Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

More in detail about my ritual of self image

Self image is an idea about yourself. About who you think you are, who you want to be and your choices with regard to that. My confusion is here, written in bold. Do i have to choose something because it suits me or do I have to choose something because I like it. My priority is simple. I want to be beautiful, and for that I realize that im going to have to be decent. I respect my self, my age, and as the age old saying goes, we are not growing any younger. Agreed! So its time to make changes, time to choose wisely. Time to understand who you are and what you want to do.

I’ve been thinking that decency suits me. Decency in a sense of fashion, style and art. According to me decency is a fabulous choice. To clear the pain off my mind I need to understand why I am attracted to junkies, hippies or rebellious attitudes towards life. Well, first of all because its beautiful. Hippies and junkies do what they do and they are still stylish and sexy. So why cant i be like them? You can, but first you need to be yourself.

Somewhere deep down inside my heart I am still missing khaleel. My life has entirely changed and still however i don’t feel the time that is passing by. Perhaps because i am still in love with him. I also feel sorry for him because i know i will be happy and i wish he was around to feel the same. I have definitely wavered off topic but i just want to let myself know that he is happy and that is the only reason he has moved on. Why is that so difficult to understand? Because i still wonder if he loves me. !!!

I hate that he thought i am absolutely zero percent creative. I think he believes that only creative people or hippie cultured women are beautiful. I think they are sexy and to the contrary, that i am beautiful. To me that’s all that matters.

This is my life, I am simple and decent. These are my life choices. The things I want to do are films, social and animal service, take care and make a lovely family. This is my life and I am going to build myself slowly and steadily. My choices are clear, my self-image is created. In case I ever get lost or feel confused I can always come back and read this again. Writing is a culture that I totally embrace. ✌ I hope you all realize why it is important to have a self image, because that is your guideline to informed choices. Choose wisely as it gives freedom to your soul and lets you wander without a worry in the world.

So to answer that question, do i have to choose what suits me or choose what i like. I am like vicki from irobot, my logic is undeniable. So my answer is simple, Change your likes, always like what is good because being good suits you. 😁

Have a nice evening.
Work hard, play well.
Cheers. 🍻