There is so much pain in the heart which the mind does not know.

It was just another regular morning and I was coming back home, from work, the body and mind was tired and i just wanted to reach home fast and crash on my bed. But there was music playing inside my cab and I had laid my eyes on the rustic morning view outside. As the songs went on to describe how much the hero was in love with the heroine, i started to think about my own stories of love and hate. Soon there was so much depression in my mind and I couldn’t help but feel lonely and cry. I had realised how love was a promise we made to each other and how he could leave me and find someone else to share the same feelings with. To think of it, I find it silly, but it wasn’t less than a week when I could recover from that depression I had fallen into.

Sometimes I think of life as a rough course made for running, and while you are at it you climb barriers or fall into pits. The time it takes to move on from each task is enormous. As time passes by, these tasks seem to take more time than ever. But it’s this knowledge of knowing that life is just a run, which keeps me going happily. No matter how many times I fall, I always wake up with that silly smile on my face which I don’t relate with.

So, after a week I told myself that it’s only in movies that men can fall madly in love with women. But I was wrong, if men could only fall in love with women in movies, then why was the whole world married? I think there is so much peace a man attains when he marries a woman he loves and I think it brings him greater peace to do it everyday. Love is magical when it’s shared, everyday, every minute, even for a time as long as the rest of your life. Iย appreciate love, but it’s so easy for me to take it for granted and no one should be allowed to take love for granted.

I wish I had more peace than I am at now. I wanted friends because I had none at one point and this desire had made me somewhat loose. Now I have found some friends whom I love and respect and some whom I hate. It sounds really silly to me but there is nothing else in life than love and hate. You have got to be really careful to see through the thick and thin to realise this. There is nothing more in this world than love, like and hate. After all we are humans and we are designed to emote and understand. So somewhat loose means that I have fallen out of my own barriers and doors of limit to talk. I have spoken too much than required. I am feeling embarrassed. I have failed to understand the opposite side. Some people are not worth loving.

We are all selfish and that’s okay, because our hearts can still melt at the sight of pain. But being selfish and blind is the worst way to be and some people I know are selfish and blind. I can’t help but hate them. Which I know is wrong, I should not hate them, I should just distance myself from them. It’s easier to do that than to hate. Great minds talk about ideas, silly minds about people, and small minds about events. I realise that this person I hate/want to distance myself from is probably just a reflection of myself. It is possible that I am selfish and blind when it comes to the people I love. Everybody and everything else becomes a big blur. May be this is an opportunity for me to realize that there is a lot more going on out there which I don’t see or don’t understand. May be its time for me to focus on different things.

 

 

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Why I will continue to write on WordPress and publish on facebook.

A lot of people asked me to stop publishing my blog on facebook. They asked me if i was trying to establish my character or if im trying to self publicize… I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop publishing on eff-bee. But now it turns out the only reason I blog is by knowing that a lot of people read it on fb.

Without facebook, I don’t feel like writing, and when I don’t write I feel that a lot of my emotions are being bottled up. Bottled up emotions aren’t good. Like a bottle of aerated soda, one day it might just pop.

Some people asked me to talk to people who would care about me and listen to my feelings and probably even give me advice. (P:s: It is required to attain a certain age to find the ability in oneself to accept advice) Sure. But I haven’t met anyone so far who would selflessly listen or genuinely care. So until then I am going to write and publish on facebook. And if anyone feels annoyed or burdened and does not want to listen. You don’t have to read. You can go watch porn or something.

Love never ends

It’s a strange feeling. Knowing where you are in life. This knowledge about your past and everything that you ever remember. The journey, the people that you miss, the time that you have lost. No, we are not getting any younger. I feel like I am responding to a friend who called me late at night. She unfriended me on facebook. Perhaps it means that we are no longer friends. I have always cared about her.

I’ve been on my bed this entire day and im planning on doing the same tomorrow as well. I have been tired. I imagine to be on a mini vacation inside my room.

I miss my mom. More often than ever these days I think of how little time there is left for us in this world. And I should learn to love my mother. I get angry with her because I am afraid of the pain I feel from the monstrous things she says. I am now sad that I may never get a chance to love her.

I always think of a reason to believe that she is a bad person who never appreciates what I do or who I am. Are my feelings just petty? Is my anger meaningless? I still feel that my love is misunderstood. God gives every person a struggle only when he knows that they are strong enough to face it. Perhaps there is something god wants me to understand.

You know, i’ve always thought that life was a lot like mathematics. Problems, solutions, everywhere. I know that there is a perfect solution to every problem and that all problems has solutions. My life has never been the same ever since I realized this. Perhaps it will change more.

Love solves all things unsolvable. There is a reason I have been given this light in my life. Now all that I have to do is to treat them with kindness, with patience, accept pain and not be afraid of it.

On the last year of my school we were all given a souvenir, it had a bible verse printed on it. Everytime I feel lost, I read these beautiful lines and my life would have meaning and purpose again. I have written it here so I could remember it by heart and never make the same mistakes over and over again.

Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in the wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things.
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
๐ŸŒˆ

Choose your friends wisely.

I have never chosen anything wisely in my life, let alone choosing friends. When i was young.. I liked people who were rich and clean. And that’s how I chose the best friends of my childhood. They are all scattered around the city and some settled abroad with kids and some occupied with work. After my boyfriend broke up with me, I tried so hard to find my friends inside these people, but they were all changed. Perhaps, so had I.

I think it is foolish to keep looking for things in the wrong places. I have lived a few years without friends. It has been tough, which is why I realize that I need friends. So here is a check list I am making for friends in my life.

First of all, I must start adding girlfriends into my life because girls are necessary for girls. Just like how boys are necessary for boys. You need a girlfriend to share your girl problems with. Guys don’t always listen.. Second, it should be a girl who is decent, stylish and modern at the same time. Third, she has to be young because i am sick of older women friends.

And last but not the least, she must like me. I am also sick of having a million friends since childhood, whom I like. It will be an interesting transformation for me and for my life, to have some one who would like me rather than me being absolutely in love with them.

So.. That’s about it. It was an interesting check list to make. My tough life is about to begin and I am going to watch how things unfold.

Wish me luck.
Mk. ๐Ÿ’•

Youngistaan is in my blood

I remember how much I used to hate “free advice” when I was younger but I don’t anymore. Not because im old, but because im mature enough to realize that its important to understand what other people think and to take my own decisions based on what I feel is right.

This is one of the most important things I wish I had done as a youngster or a youngistaan as I like to call it these days. I read it somewhere that children should be taught how to think on their own and that its one of the most important education one must go through.. And… I agree and I also add… One must be taught how to analyze things. How to accept things. How to choose things, how to take decisions, how to care for themselves, how to study and understand, how to excel at being themselves. One must be discovered while they are young. I think inside every grown man and woman there is a child that wishes it had started on its work really early. Because no matter how hard you work it just seems that there is no time left.

As you grow older you would realize how important a career is. A career is something that defines your life. It defines your existence even after you have gone. Your work will speak for you. On the other hand, my religion tells me that whatever work i do, i must dedicate it to god. I must know, accept and realize that everything that i do is only done to fulfill the wishes of my god and therefore i have no right over it myself. Its like I only experience life as it comes, and swim ๐ŸŠ through it.

So at this point I am confused. I wonder if it is necessary to work hard towards my dreams and goals or to let go of it all and stay at home to enjoy the fruits of life. That sounds like so much fun.๐Ÿ’ƒ But… there is a part of me that kind of wants to get up and succeed. I wonder if that raging power in me should be silenced or accepted.

Should I or should I not? To be or not to be. I made my decision long ago that I will only do things that will make me beautiful. Its a simple matter of seeing whether this is good for me or not. I am driven by a force to prove myself to people who are no longer in my life. Its almost as if I am doing these things for no reason. Perhaps if I found a reason..

With love,
Miss.Angry bird.

P:s: I feel my earth shake like an earthquake, its hard to see clear, is it me or is it fear?

No darling, I wonder why you are doing what you are doing.

Smartphone syndrome and pain

I cannot stop looking at my smartphone. Like all users I am also a victim of the smartphone syndrome. There is so much to look for. Facebook, instagram, google, poetry, videos, WhatsApp.. Chat with people, spend time understanding different lives, do something on our own, create. But no matter how long I do that, a part of me is still looking for the people I can never find again in my life.

At those times, I simply feel disappointed. As though I have been left out from a crowd. As though someone took me to a fair and let go of my hands. I want to cry but im not able to break into tears in the morning. It is only in the night, when there is complete darkness and nowhere to go, and nothing to do but sleep that I break down and cry. To cry is a great thing, because everytime you cry, you accept your reality more and more.

Why do we keep missing the people who have moved on from us? Are we too attached to understand that life is a passing cloud? I guess that is it. I am too silly to not realize that its impossible to live the same moment again. There are a lot of people out there who are always waiting to do the same thing for the rest of their life and that is the most boring thing one can ever imagine to do. Life is a fascinating journey, and one must experience everything. Good times, bad times, happiness, sorrow, flowers, food, travelling, conversations, jobs, future, one must always be ready to experiment with their life. It may seem scary initially but eventually we realize that life is meant to be experimented with.

Cheers,
Yamini. โค

The constant fight between who you are and who you want to be.

I have always been rebellious. I have a rebellious mind and in fact I have a rebellious soul. But like most youngsters I have never known what to rebel against. I had no idea who I was or what I should do so I simply did everything that I liked. I am no longer a child and I have no interest in being a rebel. I know who I am and what I should do. I appreciate the system because the system is perfect.

The carefree and arrogant nature that some people are born with is one of the most powerful things one can ever acquire. If you have a soul that will stand up for yourself and fight for everything you believe in then you have everything you need to not only survive this life but to create a life which you desire.

Going back to the previous thought, why it is wrong to rebel. I was also like you, I thought that the system is wrong. When I say system, I mean the government, our civilisation, what we have been doing for thousands of years as a human race but i no longer think so. I now understand that the system is right. Even though it was not intentionally made and even though it is simply a result of chaos, I still believe that it is perfect. Because, after all these years, here we are, living in democracy. By the people, for the people and to the people. I have always been fascinated by politics and I will always be.

The system is so perfect that it leaves every man to himself. Every individual has the right to defend for himself. Everybody has the privilege to do what the want, which is why I believe that we must not rebel against the society but enjoy it.

We must work hard and come out of the misery and create a new world for ourself. This is what we are born for. This is why we struggled all our life. This is what we want to rebel against, if we must. We want to rebel against poverty and we want to rebel in the right way. We want to be the people who will create significant changes to our society. We want to write a new future. We want to celebrate this life and say thanks to god for enlightening us while we are still alive. We want to embrace everything around as and spread happiness and love. We want to.

Be yourself

Its difficult. You know, its difficult to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you and trying to make you different. In a world that keeps telling you what is good and what is bad, what you should do and what you should not, I think its important to learn to listen to your own heart. I think its important to stay calm and choose wisely. I must develop an aptitude to not just listen to myself but others as well. I must learn to listen to what everyone says without losing my own mind. Its not a gift I was born with, nobody is born with an ability to accept or to listen but eventually we all realize it. Children should be taught how to think while they are still young because unfortunately I had to learn in the hard way.

Last night i went to an art of living guru pooja and I am not not sure if everyone likes me there because in the end while I was talking to someone, a small kid came to me and asked “if I still haven’t left?” I felt hurt because I thought may be they didn’t want me there. I have a lot of inhibitions and fears. I hate it when people tell me that I have psychological problems. At those times I wish god will magically turn the table around and make them see how mad they are themselves. These aren’t light thoughts and I am not in a light mood.

Why do I always feel like someone hates me? Perhaps because i hate myself. I hate myself for many reasons, because i get angry, because i control people who are even older than me. I can never be free(?)

I wonder if all people have inhibitions and fears about themselves. If yes, then I wonder how they manage their lives or even themselves. I have my own method but its so difficult to impel my plans into reality and i am somewhere between giving up and giving in but I now wonder to who or to where. Its a nice world out there. Life is a good journey. One of the best journeys I have ever embarked upon. Thanks a lot jimmy, without you this aloneness may never have been possible.

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

They say life is but a dream, I wonder if dreams will do it’s job on its own. I am too young to die and too tired to live. I am in that place where i wish there was a somewhere else. I dreamed about a world in which I was granted wings to fly. If I could flyโ€ฆ What a world that would be? Would be something, wouldn’t it be?

I would no longer be a prisoner to my dreams. The fears inside my heart wouldn’t last for over a moment.. Life will never be the same ever. How long do fears really last, I wonder. Im afraid It could for even a lifetime. I have to do this and I have to do this quick, for there is no more time, says my broken self.

If I could fly, I’d be the only one, and I’d be super. I’d no longer be tied to earth, after all, I’d have important things to seek up above.

If I could fly I’d never come back down to earth, because there’d be nothing left for me to do here. I might look for answers to many questions, perhaps in a wind I find from inside the grey clouds. Perhaps a wind that is waiting to pour. I’d fly just as fast as the wind, and just as slow. I’d ride on rainbows and feel the clouds. I would be one step closer to being a child forever, one step closer to god, and just one step away from everything else.

Last but not the least, if I could fly.. I’d not give up that life for anything. It may not be the best thing that could have happened to me, but it will be.

Weird attempts at poetry

Too tired to live, too tired to die,
If there was a place somewhere else, or perhaps if I could fly. If I could fly… What a world this would be? A woman with wings.. Flying over the roof and into the sky… Hm.. May be a lot of us born with a tiny small wing? Huh? Evolution has done strange things, it made us.. Didn’t ut? It could make these angel like creatures too..

Imagine a world where some girls are born with tiny wing that would grow as they do… ๐Ÿ˜ yes, there would be angels in the world. It would be an era to remember. Perhaps an era that would change the world forever.

Hm.. ๐Ÿ˜ซ What else can flying women do apart from free-flying? We can carry someone but that will be a just a burdenous task. May be we could have flying jobs. Like carry messages? Like pigeons from the medieval period? May be women born with wings should have a superpower like.. They can heal diseases by their touch, or their hair could transform into a magical potion that can cure any disease and ailment.
That’ll be awesome.

So, its nice to imagine that these angels could one day be born into this world and transform our world into a magical field. You know this should be the future. There is magic and its happening right before your eyes.
Btw, I suck at poetry..

Cheers have a good day.
Mk. ๐Ÿป ๐Ÿ‘