I still think melancholy is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It was one afternoon in school, during lunch break that I found myself hanging by the corridor, alone, in the midst of the busiest crowd of students. Every time someone passed by, they asked me if i was ok. And I nodded, even smiled. But really I felt a kind of deep sadness. The kind from which i thought there was no return.
There is something that is bothering me. I once loved a man. It was not the acceptable kind of love. He was my boy friends friend. We shared a space long enough for me to feel attracted to him. But in my mind there was a kind of fighting. A fight between me and me. I suppressed my feelings towards him. But I could no longer love my boyfriend after that. We both tried to be together for two years after this incident, but there was so much fighting, that in the end, we broke up.
Well, about the fight that happened between me and me, I realised that I’m not married and that this is what love felt like and I went after what I felt was right. I went after his friend.. I liked to talk to him. His voice attracted me the most. I thought that there was nothing more beautiful in this world, than his voice.
But after a couple of meetings he realised that I was way too short for him. He was 6 feet tall and I am 5’1. When we fell in love we were both sitting and I connected to his eyes. There was music and weed. There was Nothing more mesmerising than our love. But when reality hit us.. He realised that we were not meant to be. Our physicality’s brought us apart. The irony of life. We kissed once. It wasn’t great. It was way better when we would just look at each other and smile. When smiles were better than kisses. Doesn’t happen everyday.
Now to the thing that is bothering me, I sent him a message two days ago. I told him that I was sad.. I told that I missed him and asked him to come to my house. (Well) So we could kiss again but he didn’t reply. And I’m feeling embarrassed and hurt. Why would I ask a six feet, grown, thirty two year old man to love me. Was I just desperate for sex? If I really was then I should be sending messages to a few other men who would be interested in such an endeavour.. But I am not. Not interested.
Hmm.. So it turns out that I was desperate for sex with him. Would I call it love? Well… Ya I would. Because When I decided to send that message I thought, after this much expected kiss he would fall in love with me, and we would marry each other and spend the rest of our lives in the presence of love. What a dream. Like I said earlier, he didn’t reply. #The kind of things that happens within a mind.
I wonder what he would be going through himself. But I am feeling ashamed. I find it rather odd that my reaction to shame is anger, because really it should be acceptance, and I am going through it. Its a wonderful feeling to accept your mistakes. Acceptance brings pain, but it brings the kind of pain that transforms. When everything is over you realise that somehow everything is magically transformed into beauty. I like being beautiful.
Life is the greatest feeling there ever is. The kind of problems that comes in life and the strength we come up with to face it. The kind of fights we put up and the prayers, life is truly magical. I like life. I like to face life with a big smile on my face that says, I love you, please come to me, give me abundance in all aspects, give me happiness. Give me love, take some even from me, you deserve it. I like life at all times. I want to remember this.
2010 – 2011
The place that would blow your mind.