A thing or two about love..

But first about how to write.. someone I used to admire once told me a little something about my writing.. And I remember it still. She said “the best thing about your writing is how you go in detail to explain everything about it.” I remember that at this moment. Because the moment I think of love I find myself looking back at my very first experience in love. And I can recollect my past experiences like a movie and tell what is wrong and what is right. It’s as if love has been the same but the people have changed. It’s as if I have been in love all 31 years of my life. (Would be nice if that were true.) And yet I make the same mistakes.

I always thought of marriage as an instituition. Perhaps because of a quote I found in my house when I grew up. My parents had this quote on a piece of wood. It used to hang in the walls of my childhood home. The quote said “marriage is a fine institution, but not everyone likes to live in an institution” and I have always wondered..

I am now married and no I don’t think marriage is an institution anymore. If anything I find marriage liberating. But I understand that marriage is love. Everything I learnt about love as a teenager or an adolescent or even an adult I am experiencing again in my marriage. The fights, the romance, the seperation, the pain, the care, everything about my marriage tells me how alike love and marriage are. I even find myself wondering why I did not marry for so many years before I actually did.

But like any relationship, and most importantly than all, a marriage requires a lot of sacrifice. This is the closest i have ever felt to realizing a fairy tale. God knows exactly what we want and gives us exactly that. But one should know how to read the signs. If you find an opportunity see it as a sign and grab it with both hands. Life is to be lived, not watched.

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How much more should I fail? Will I ever succeed?

My husband took me to this free seminar by rohini mundra called the extra ordinary you.. I was feeling quite bored out there. Not because I was not interested in the seminar or all those great talks and lectures that were being given out there. But because these are things I already know and understand. Our time in this world is very limited. Our time in this world is to be successful. This entire seminar was about achieving success, it was as though they were rubbing it on my face. Yamini, you are a failure and if you need to succeed you need to take charge of your life. And I agree, I have failed not once but many times. I failed in every aspect of my life. I failed to become the perfect version of me. I instead became the perfect version of my nightmares. All the way through growing up I related with rebels because I was rebelling against the society. I was rebelling against my parents. Because i knew that i was good. Even though they never cared to accept it. There was something inside of me that was waiting to be accepted and appreciated. I spent all of my life feeling miserable and doing all the wrong things not knowing what to do with my life. Things when I look back feels were terribly wrong things to have done. You know the thing about the things we do right? It can never be undone. So I am at this point in my life where I need to accept it. I have to and I must accept the mistakes I have made in my past as my mistakes. And agree to move on and live a changed life. But what about my future. What about my success. This whole thought came to me because I had to share some truth about my life to a dear person. Someone who cares about me. And that person made me see all the things that I have been doing wrong. And I agree with that person. I have in fact been wrong for a really long time. I have been wrong about my parents about the way I have been conducting my life. So the question the reason I was bored at a very interesting seminar is because success to me is a very different idea from that of rohini mundra. She said in the beginning of the seminar that success means to make lots of money. Which I completely agree with. But before that, I need to be successful with my life. I need to accept my parents and my life as it is and be happy with them and it respectively. To me success at this point, is to find my own grace. Meanings often change to mean something else eventually. May be once I accept my life and become happy with it then I can think of achieving success in the definition of rohini. There is no doubt that rohini is fantastic mind shift coach and I would be ecstatic to have her as my own coach.. if I could ever afford her(!) But nevertheless I feel an enormous amount of pressure and nervousness to think of the one on one meeting with her this evening. After all she is successful in every aspect of her life and i am the exact opposite.