This is a story i feel very painful to admit, but i am being forced to accept it, as it is the truth. There’s a funny thing about the truth, as i know, it is that difference between what is real and what is not.
What is real is what happens, and what is not is what you imagine.
Can you believe someone could possibly not know the difference?
Well, its my story. I am that person who didn’t know the difference and that’s how i lost my love. My lover, the only man i truly wanted, a person i thought i would get married to.
Anyway, enough feeling sad, on to the funny part.
So i met this guy, who is not my lover and infact was my lover’s friend. to make things simple, i’ll give you names. “K” is the guy i wanted to marry and “S” was his friend…
Its a very confusing story really, at least to me, because for three years i didn’t realize that K could actually love me, because i was worried that he thinks that i love S.
There was a time when we all knew each other and i sort of was bored and started imagining that S loves me…I guess i liked him a lot, and we were in his place and i wasn’t allowed to talk. Imagination can be funny.
I never wanted anyone to know about this problem of mine, especially not K, so i never spoke about it to him. The minute i hid the truth, i couldn’t talk to him anymore and i couldn’t believe that he loved me. Its probably because i was always guilty of not letting him know the truth. It killed me. It killed my need to live, to smile, to be happy, to reason and to see.
I lived with this guilt long enough to hurt him and eventually i began to doubt myself. I couldn’t understand that this entire thing was only imaginary, and i started to think that i was guilty of being in love with S. What followed was that i forgot what the truth was, and i was simply becoming a victim of my imagination.
I hope that explains how lost i was in a world that doesn’t exist. I wish i had remembered all the decisions i made to have trusted myself, but i did not. Its easy to forget what you’ve been through in the routine of everyday.
Its easy to forget who you are. Its easy to forget when you don’t care. I should have remembered to remember that i was right, if i did, i would have never thought that i lied.
Bottom-line, there is a need for mankind to speak, do not shut yourself for anything, the consequences will be called irrational.
Whatever be your truth just believe in it. Each person’s truth is different and yours is worth it. I lost K because i didn’t believe that i was right. There was a doubt lurking in my heart that I may have loved S. Its what kept me blind from accepting myself. Only when i lost K, basically he moved on and found someone else.., so.. only when i lost K i realized that K loved me and i that and this whole S relationship in my head was imaginary. I had no reason to fear K but i did so because i thought i was guilty. I was guilty of a crime i never committed.. well within my mind, yes. So basically, my loyalty towards K and my need to speak the truth, together destroyed me. And i destroyed a truly unique relationship with an amazing man, my best friend, because i couldn’t believe myself.