I have always had memories of my own thoughts. I don’t know how many of you have patiently been observing your own thoughts since childhood, most of you would be intelligent enough to recognize your self thinking while some of you could have been like me, probably never paid attention to one self, just had fleeting memories of having recognized themselves at thought, strangely i only remember myself thinking a very few times in my childhood.
I don’t blame myself. I was too busy talking and i had no idea that it was the exact same person who was thinking as well. I always thought that life is what happened to me. I was a very negative person, often i would blame myself for every thing that happened to me, especially when it was something bad that happened. And what is worse? I didn’t know how to come out of it. I didn’t know what was causing me to feel bad, to feel depressed, to feel so compelled to lie to my teachers that a doctor had told me that i was clinically depressed.
I wanted a reason, to be sympathized with. I always knew that something was wrong with me. As i write this i wondered what could possibly be wrong with me? And i know the answer. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that is wrong with me. I just want to believe that there is something. Welcome to my mind. I find myself amazing because i realize this. Because i know i don’t want to believe everything that my mind says.
You see, i did not have this knowledge when i was younger. I always tried to understand what the meaning was for everything. I’ve looked for the meaning of songs that i liked. I’ve loved every poetry that made sense to me. I’ve spent a fair amount of time in life to understand what was love and what it meant to me. I have been a photographer for the longest time trying to understand the meaning of beauty. Well, things got worse, in the end of a ten year long narcotic binge i definitely wanted to understand the meaning of life and believe it or not, i did.
I found the absolute meaning of life on a very happy night i spent with a bunch of friends, who are all strangers now. I realized that the ultimate meaning of life is that life had no meaning. My whole life flashed in my head, as though i had misunderstood everything since my youngest days. I realized that language was completely man made, and that language was unnecessary for humans to communicate. I am not saying that language is not helping us communicate better, but i am just saying that language has distanced us from the closeness we once shared with everyone when we were children. We are not limited by language, but in all ways we believe that we are. Don’t we?
So, ever since i realized the power of the mind and the deep confusion that man faces, which i’d like to call the human condition, my life has not been the same. Well, i haven’t done much from ever since but i have not been able to go back in time and change this experience and i don’t wish to either. I still don’t know how to make a positive change that would bring a difference to my life but i do know that the next step is forward.
Life is not what happens to us, one of the biggest lies of my generation is this phrase that i’ve always heard people say, “Just go with the flow” I disagree. There is no flow. There is only stillness. There is no flow, there is only calculative people, manipulating your life. if you don’t have a dream, you will definitely find yourself working for someone else who does or else your life will not make any sense. That is not a flow, that is business. I am not breaking your bubble here but there is no such thing called the flow. If you want success to be part of your life then you must first dream of something that would make you feel successful, and then come up with a plan to actually do it, and brick by brick you must build this bridge which is going to take you from now to anywhere you want to go. This my friend is just the very opposite of flow, its called growth.
The moment never changes, time remains still, it is we who is changing it and it is you who dreams. So wake up every morning, wake yourself up from that meaningless dream you were busy thinking about while you were asleep, and now that you are awake you must remind yourself of the things you need to do, you must remind yourself of the bridge you need to build while you are in this life which is also a dream but the one that truly matters to you.
mkyamini 