Things i think about at 2 am

Lately the only thing that has been clouding my mind is my wedding. Yes. I too have decided to embark upon that giant, massive, joint journey of life, and i am beginning to wonder if i am the right person for it. I was at a shopping mall yesterday, it was quite late and my fiance called me up. My fear level shot up a little high and i even thought i needn’t answer the call but eventually i did. But Why did i have to? Anyway, I was too afraid to answer the call because i knew i did not have to be at a shopping mall at 10:00 PM.

Honestly, i have been at worse places at that hour, so a shopping mall is not a bad place to be, according to me. But in a south Indian middle class household, these things are a shocker and my fiance is not the “baby you stay out as long as you want” type, he is more of a “dear, what are you doing in the middle of the night(10:00PM), outside, what if something happens to you” type. Honestly i want to be more attracted to the second type, because that is the type that wanted to marry me. So anyway, i got angry with him because i was scared. (???)

and i know this is my pattern. i have always been angry when i do wrong things. I am also angry when i don’t get what i want. and i am angry when people make me feel insecure. also, i am angry when i don’t know what to do.. Some people might ask, why do you get so angry? that is exactly the question for which i am seeking an answer.

people always tell me.. why do i over analyze things? why do i over think? And to all those born geniuses i want to say, some people want to know why we do what we do, some people want to know the meaning of their own emotions. Some people like me! who just does things without the thought of whether it should be done or not. It reminds me of the time when i grabbed a girls boob. It was one of the worst and the most embarrassing things i have done.. I am not proud of it, i am sick of it. I want you to know that i have done sick things in my life but on the contrary to what my ex boyfriend always said I want you to know that things change, people change, Ideas change, everything about life changes and you should take full responsibility for it. People should always think about what they do. Whether it is right or wrong.. we should all take a moment to think about, analyse and even understand what we are about to do, before we do anything that might affect us emotionally. Because there are things we do and forget and then there are things we do and never forget.

Time is always waiting for us. There is always time to do everything we want. That’s the knowledge i did not have last night. Had someone told me relax buddy do the shopping tomorrow i would not have gone out at night.. or gotten angry with someone who still doesn’t know me so well. Its not his fault. I don’t know myself too well too. So, going back to my analysis. (blogging is cheaper than talking to psychiatrists)

Anyway, why do i get angry? That million dollar question.. Hm.. I don’t know dude! Its just what i do. May be because i have always seen my mother get angry and get away with it and some where i had thought, i too can get angry and get away with it. And for many years i have, except one day when my best friend walked away from my life. I could never forgive myself after that but it was a very valuable lesson. It taught me to appreciate love.

Nothing scares me like the thought that i am not beautiful. So, i want myself to know that anger makes me ugly. Love makes me beautiful and it is simply my choice to choose how i want to be. Stories within stories dude.. nice awakening.

Have a great day y’all.