But only if you dared to dream.

There are a million opportunities in life, to be successful, to be happy, to be true, to be faithful, to be anything that you desire. I think sometimes we take that for granted. Sometimes we get carried away, by fear, by thoughtfulness, by desire, by love. We do things that we are not meant to do. Its a crime to not realize this.

Sometimes i get depressed for the silliest of reasons. I don’t have enough clothes, im not pretty enough for that boy(which is impossible, btw) , this boy doesn’t love me, I don’t have as much money as others, I want this, I cant buy that, My mother doesn’t show much love to me, my dad doesn’t smile at me (?)… I mean, there are plenty more reasons to be sad in life but the single, most amazing reason in life to not be sad is life itself. Life is a gift and the minute you start seeing it like that life changes.

Sometimes after a break up I wonder of all the people in the world why did i have to meet him in my life. But now I think im selfish.. How could i restrict that thought to just my boyfriend. I mean to say, its not just strange that I met my ex in this life… But every single person, especially my mom and my dad. I must have been the luckiest person in this world to have my mom and my dad, as parents because they are the best that I could have ever imagined for myself. I wonder why god meant for all of us to meet??

I believe that god has a greater plan for all of us. We just don’t know it yet. Every one of us is going through a struggle to create a perfect life that we desire, and that is impossible without god. When we acknowledge the presence of god in our lives we become awakened to love. When you awaken to love, there is nothing more beautiful than life, no matter how simple it is.

Gratitude is one of the easiest ways to get closer to god. When you learn to say thank you to god you realize how much of things you have received, physically and emotionally. There is no positive energy like the energy you feel when in gratitude.

And above all, one must know and realize this.. God helps those who help themselves. This world encourages people who dare to dream and even dares to achieve it. This road of life is not for losers, there are no losers in life, only people who give up and accept things the way it is.

Life is not a fight to struggle with nobody wants you to fight but life is an eternal flow of everything you desire. It is a river of possibilities. And to climb the ladder to success one must dare to dream. You will be surprised how much god provides when you work hard for yourself.


How to deal with growing up.

I’ve decided to write every week about something meaningful, something that sums up the emotions I have about the things that I keep inside my heart.

This week its about growing up and how to deal with it. I was in my 7th or 8th standard when I had this thought which I am about to explain.

It was just another day in school, I was half awake and half dreaming. I remember this so well, my head was on the writing desk. I was probably too tired and trying to sleep. Maybe i have thought of about this longer than i know, but this is where it all started from.

That day, I thought that when I grow up i will magically change. That one day, one morning, may years from now, I will wake up and that I would have become fair, magically, like in the fairy tales. I have the normal south indian wheatish skin.

After all this time and at 28, I realize, that this thought of mine has in fact become true. I have transformed physically and mentally.

It didn’t happen overnight as I thought it would but it happened over a period of time. I want to believe that it happened after my boyfriend broke up with me. I have had many break ups, so being heartbroken is not new to me. But being heartbroken and strong is new to me.

Not having him in my life was making me feel weak and lonely and i slowly started working on the promises I had to keep and I kept rebuilding myself as well. I realized my mistakes, i knew where i had gone wrong. I learnt not one but many lessons, above all i learnt to value love.

Slowly and eventually, i realized something that I never knew about myself. I realized that i was beautiful. I think it makes a lot of sense to say that im 28 years old and I have spent many years of my life being ugly. I would look into the mirror and I would not be able to recognize the person that I saw. After school I kind of became ugly. I didn’t know why but it made me sad. I started hating myself. I spent my entire life hating myself and fell in love just to boost my confidence. I never realized that being single was a fun thing to be.

But all of that has changed. I like life. I am happy. I love people. I love work.

Beauty is illusional. The world is illusional. Beauty is like the reflection you see on a lake. It only exists as long as the objects of reflection are there. My objects of reflection are love, acceptance and patience. To me being beautiful is a choice. When the world threw its shit upon me, i chose to be beautiful.

I think there is beauty in acceptance. There is beauty in patience and love. There is beauty in kindness and affection. There is beauty in elegance. I am a photographer I find beauty in almost everything.

So I tell myself that growing up is the best kind of beautiful there ever is. The mind never gets exhausted from learning. Life is a fascinating play ground. 😡

I have many times noticed myself staring at the playground in my school. Because outside the playground was a big white house with black windows and my mother told me that the house belonged to an actress. Everytime I was playing sometimes I would look at that house and realize that I am inside a school and that the real world was outside, somewhere else. The school is over long ago and the child in me is still alive. I still stare at everything around me in awe and tell myself that the real world is outside.

So.. Life is a fascinating play ground and I find myself lazy to play, which I have been since I was a child. I am moody, stubborn, lazy and depressed. Sometimes I tell myself that I like being that way but that is only because i am hopelessly depressed. There is another side to me where I am amazingly enthused. 😫

Finding a Balance between these two states is what growing up is going to be like for me. Finding a balance between hopelessly depressed and amazingly enthused. I wonder what that would be…

I will keep observing this world as lng as I can.. I also notice that growing up has an effect on people. Each persons choice defines and shapes their character. I am extremely interested in this subject of study for which I still haven’t even found a name. Human analysis? Life histories? Character sketch? Friendship? Love?
Its always about love isn’t it? 😜

Cheers. 🍻
Much love.

The thing about fear.

I am sure we are all familiar with fear. Everyone in this world would have experienced fear. Like all feelings its a very natural thing. If I was writing my own story then I would’ve killed fear in the beginning. I would not have let it grow. Because fear is a horrible thing. Its like Being able to see it but you cant do anything about it, as if its out of your reach. As if its beyond your control.

What is fear? How does fear come into existence? Its never just a feeling, there is always a reason behind every feeling. So when I say my fear of butterflies is beyond my control, clearly, I am wrong.

Because, for the record, call me an egoist it does not matter, but I have to say that there is nothing beyond our control. ! Ps: Because we are a mind, we are the ultimate truth of life. We are the thing in everything.. 😜

If I am the first person who talks about the divine sleep, then let me be, but i’d like to say sometimes the divine sleep of life makes us unable to reason, which allows fearful thoughts to grow. Which in turn facilitates fear. To explore divine sleep, one must explore the human condition. Even to the most knowledgeable yogi, fearful thoughts might enter effortlessly.

The things that cause fearful thoughts are: Overthinking and negativity.

My cousin once told me that my core was negative. It was the first time someone had brought to my notice about negativity. Its true, I am negative in my thoughts, in my worries. Sometimes I think of my mind as a clock that can go in reverse. My positive attitude somehow gets shifted to negativity. Its not easy for me to realize it. Even though I try hard to understand how and what has happened. It still takes me a while, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes even a month, to realize it.

The mind is amazing. Positive or negative, its equally extraordinary. But what we need to realize here is that the mind is also powerful. It draws close what you wish, whatever you wish. Which is why techniques like the #secretofthelake and #meditation is necessary for life. Taking ten minutes out of your busy day for meditation and #secretofthelake technique can transform your life and purify your thoughts.

Fear, like any emotion has no control over you, unless you allow yourself to be controlled by it. Fear is a sign of weakness. Never be afraid of anything. If you are afraid then figure out a way to understand that you are not.

#work hard for what you want. #achieve your goals #when its over you will know it was the easiest thing you had to do.

With love
Mk. ❀

Why do we keep falling in love?

I don’t know much about love and its influence upon oneself which is why I write as much as I can about my past. When i say past I mean some incomprehensible moments like the story of Steve brooks.

Something’s in life are like that. You have to take the time, may be even slow down to understand it. Slowing down doesn’t mean you’re gonna have low blood pressure and die. It just means that you care enough to understand a situation.

Anyway, if you really had to wonder about why we keep falling in love over and over again, I’d say its because of boredom or in simple words having nothing to do.

Having nothing to do makes you want to fall in love? Really? Hmm.. I disagree. 😜 Actually having nothing to do or boredom attracts you to someone you like.. but love? Love is something magical that just happens. Love is the one thing which I think, nobody has the power to control. Its like a numbness that enters your heart, through your senses. To me its probably through a person’s voice. I am attracted to some voices and some words. Sometimes I lose interest in people when I don’t hear the right things.

There are a million stories of love which will tell us the reasons for which one loses their mind over love. Its like a movie ticket that you’ve bought and you just cannot miss. Its like a craving you get for a special food, on special occasions and you’re always going to want it until you get done with the craving or move on. Love is like that craving inside your heart.

Lastly we should all be thankful for our ancestral men, the ones who invented language because language strengthens love. Language sweetens the journey. Language gives meaning beyond love. Obviously communication is the bridge that binds two people forever, or more so than nature or love can ever do.

So all that said, the question, “why do we keep falling in love?” “why is love necessary in our lives?” Because we want it. We make mistakes in our relationships, we learn, we get better and we try to love again. Because love is beautiful.

To love someone and to care for them is an amazing journey. Its best explained in religion. The apple you shouldn’t bite. Maya. Love is an elated sensation cast upon my ears. And I value every second of my existence in this world because this is where I can experience and share this wonderful feeling of life.

Cheers to positive thinking.
Have a nice morning. Love you a lot.

Exploring trust and other issues.

I am not able to understand the idea of trust and I think its necessary that I do. I cant remember when I lost my trust on people but i am sure that i have. And I feel that its important I learn to trust people again.

That brings me to the knowledge of what trust might be. Isn’t it amazing that people have the choice to do? Ever since I realized this I have seen the world differently. The world has never been the same. The world suddenly became a magical place where everyone was gifted and powerful, where everyone had the choice to do whatever they wanted to do and at that point I told myself that I was enlightened.

The world is truly magical. This life is magical and what we do with it matters. So I have a lot of dreams and hopes for my future. But ever since my best friend/boyfriend left me, my ego has been so damaged and broken that I find myself fallen into a deep pit and its seems almost impossible to rise back up again.

But life is all about falling, rising back up and remembering to never fall again. Me.. AKA The BOSS!! πŸ‘

Honestly, my life has never been the same ever since he left me. Everyday is a new journey. It took me a while to get a grip and its taking me forever to stabilize. But I am getting there. I find relationships to be the most important education in life. I find myself happy to have been torn and hurt to receive the light that I enjoy today. So i am happy that he found it important to move on. I am totally fascinated by art. Having considered photography as an art form has changed my life. I find that being slow is a gift in life. It is only In patience that you can see the real magic of beauty. Curiosity and having nothing to go for has made me realize, admire and enjoy the endless beauty of nature.

But its getting late. The marriable time has passed.. When will you get married? My mother constantly asks me.. I don’t know…

Ok? I don’t know. Until I find the right match? Is that too long? I think, a marriage should be an amazing journey for two people Together.. Not a bus ride from ayanavaram to villivakkam. I don’t want to settle for some mediocre bullock cart man just because im 28 or because im gonna be 29 this November. I’d definitely identify the right man when he comes around in my life. He need not sweep me off my feet, but I would know that he is the one.

Wish me good luck.

What a nice morning it is…

There’s something about life that feels amazing which I think should be written. It must be the rain or that I no longer have the strength to fight and that I’ve given it a rest. There’s a kind of an extraordinary peace that comes when you leave your problems to god. In other words, life feels beautiful when you accept it.

I have been working so hard for a goal, and I know I am close to achieving it. I wont give up my dreams just because I am a little tired. Infact I am refreshing myself with yoga, pranayama and sudharshan kriya. Sudharshan kriya is the act of purifying action. It is taught by the art of living foundation and I feel very lucky to have learnt it. The practice leaves me feeling peaceful.

The journey to become a director has been truly one of a kind. I have never experienced anything like it in my life and I know wherever it takes me, its going to be beautiful.

I am in this place in life where I have no unfulfilled desires or reason to worry. I feel really lucky to be where I am. I am happy that I am single. I am not worried about marriage. I realized that marriage is not to be done for the sake of doing it but to be done only because you want to. I should be really thankful to god for bringing me to this point. All the pain seems worth it.

Good morning.
Have a great day.

What happened when I first fell in love? (cont’d)

I don’t know. I was insecure and a little buzzed out from play time, Angela asked me questions and I lied. I said Steve held me by my hand and proposed to me. “propose” πŸ˜‚ lol at my choice of words.

But that was not the disturbing thought. As my good friend joyston had pointed out, I never get embarrassed. *true* *embarrassed about never being embarrassed* but, the most disturbing thought to me was why I was saying that unbelievable god damned story.

Only when you stop to think, you realize. I cannot believe or forgive myself for taking not less than 25 years to understand why. I said that story because i loved him.

Yes. Now I am embarrassed. *lie*


Ps: When I first fell in love I told my teachers that he proposed to me. *shame* *guilt* *vomit*

What happened when I first fell in love?

Love seems to be the most important thought on my mind and it is ruling my life. So when I ask myself why I keep falling in love.. It is not just a question to think about but a life changing thought because i often find myself caught helpless in the pain of love.

Love. How mysterious and beautiful. I only have one problem with it. I don’t like to be in it because I never win in life when I am in love. I am one of those people who just cannot wake up from the call of love or desire. But I am getting better at picking myself up and moving on. Love has become an ongoing problem to me. So I’d like to solve it.

Why do we keep falling in love? I was in my first standard when I first remember falling in love, then again at fourth, then again at different times of life and the story still goes on.  ✌

My first love was a mysterious moment. Like I said, I was in my first standard and we were walking in a long line, following each other, coming back from the games field and headed to our classroom. It was a long line, we must have been 50 in number. There was this guyΒ  called Steve brooks. Steve was an anglo indian, who was rumoured to be originally from Australia.. I am a south indian and i thought he was cute. He was gross in an adorable way. Everybody hated him in class, which is probably why i liked him. There was also Angela vas. The most beautiful girl in class. She also had a liking for Steve.

Angela vas, was also the class bully, well according to me. She made fun of people’s appearances. And there was a gang of Anglo indian girls who would laugh at her jokes, making her seem like some kind of a boss. Sometimes I thought she was sweet and sometimes I thought she was rude.

So back to my mysterious moment.. we were walking back from PT, to the classroom in a long line, and I “imagined” Steve pull Angela by her hand and talk to her by the stone.. Β There was a huge stone, that I have noticed in the play ground, by which I thought, they stood and talked.. I can still see that moment from my memory. However, I know that it was imaginary.

I don’t know exactly how or why I had imagined that but when we reached the class room, angela talked to me. And I usually didn’t like to Talk back to anyone. But she was the class bully.. So for some reason I told her that Steve told me that he loved me and she bursted out laughing. She told the entire class that Steve loved me and everyone laughed with her. I had no idea what I had done. It escalated to my teacher, Sister Leena.

Sister Leena asked me if this was true. And I said yes, It was Infact, and also that he told me that he’d take me to Australia when his parents come down to visit him. Sister Leena was amused. I guess people don’t expect first standard kids to fall in love.

I’m sure they all knew that I lied. They called my parents and told them that I’ve cooked up a story like this. She took me to the staff room and had me say the entire story again and again.. I even told the story to my parents. My parents believed me but I don’t think sister Leena did.. And Infact i think she wanted to know why I was cooking this story..

I think perhaps we all know why.. I cared a lot about Steve. I can say that it was in this moment that I fell in love with him. This may sound hilarious, but it isn’t.

Because I have been carrying this thought since the first standard and I am able to understand it only now. I have seen Steve’s photograph many times on facebook. He is currently married and has a child. I’ve tried looking for Angela vas. And I don’t think she is in India. I also think the reason I made up that story was because I believed that Angela and Steve were together. How insecure of me.

I have many such stories of these type of moments.. Moments of confusion or ecstasy, unforgettable because of its mysterious nature.

I have never been in a peaceful relationship. Most times my relationships turned out to be painful or nightmarish..
Because of the lack of understanding or that the feelings were not mutual.

I have gone a great deal to realize how important it is to understand these things. But sometimes I still remain stuck on a boat in the middle of a sea and find it impossible to move forward. I wonder if im not brave enough or if I am just too closed a mind. It hurts me to think that I have to move on from the people I love. I get too attached to people and memories. But life is not just about one person or one moment. Life is a series of moments.

To be continued…