Guilt

falseguilt
This happened two years ago, but im still not over it. I am a murderer and i always will be in memory of that pigeon. Some moments are unforgettable, some images from life are unerasable. The death of that pigeon is something like that. I know I murdered that pigeon.

Technically, i didn’t murder the pigeon but is it not murder when you dont care to help? Even when you know that you may be the only person who can save someone’s life? Anyway, i let a pigeon die because i didn’t care enough. I cannot forgive myself for what i did, or rather for what i did not do. Time never turns around. This incident will always remind me of that.

Two years ago, my friend and i were sitting at a coffee shop talking about some useless facts and enjoying our cup of coffee. Suddenly there was this flapping noise from somewhere. It was a disturbing noise. We looked around and noticed what the noise was all about. A poor little pigeon was caught in the AC vent of the opposite building and it was struggling to free itself. Till this date i wish i had realized the seriousness of this situation.

Honestly, we thought it was just a pigeon. We spoke about pigeons and AC’s and how small and simple their lives were unlike our complicated realities. We drank our coffee, we decided to forget about the pigeon and told ourselves we are not movie stars who jump buildings to save the life of a pigeon. We left the coffee shop without a word. I turned around to give that pigeon one last look and walked away.

The next day, mind you 24 hours later, i went back to the same coffee shop. To my horror that poor little pigeon was still struggling to free itself from that wretched AC vent. I couldnt believe what i was seeing. For some reason i felt so proud of that pigeon, as if it was gandhi fighting for the freedom of a country. Suddenly i had this “ONLY I CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT” feeling. I decided to save that pigeon. We called the owners of the flat, my other very outgoing friend agreed to jump into the neighbourhood and became the hero of the day.

The flat owners found that the feet of the pigeon was tangled in a bunch of old and messy thread that was somehow there in the back vent of their WINDOW AC. The sweet lady asked her son to bring a scissor to cut open the thread in order to set the bird free. I was so happy watching all this happen from the coffee shop. I almost felt like the god who was saving the poor pigeons life, in a world where no one stops to care.

The lady freed the pigeon held it high in her hands and let go from her balcony. That was the most amazing moment we were all waiting for. We all hoped that the pigeon would flap its wings and fly away. But then she came down falling flat from the three storey high building and fell down helplessly on the road. None of us understood what just happened. My friend ran to the road and brought her back to me. We gave her water but she refused to drink.

She looked very angry. It was the first time i ever held a bird in my hands. I am scared of flying creatures but it was a matter of my goal. My goal to save someone’s life. None of us knew what to do.. my friend put her down on the floor and realized that she couldnt walk anymore. People adviced me to leave her right there and go away, they promised me that she can take care of herself, but i felt guilty, and i believed i could save her life. I brought her back with me to my house.

What happened after, in short, was a nightmare. When i took her to the vet, they discovered that the hip had come off from her hip socket after the really long struggle of trying to free herself. The chief Ortho simply put the hip back into the socket, tied her up and handed her to me saying that she would start walking  in a week or two.

I believe in dreams. I believe that dreams come true. So i dreamt that i would take her back to the coffee shop and that i would let her go. I still remember that dream. It was a beautiful vision. To let go of a bird that flies into the sky.. with an accomplished smile on my face.. I believed everything would be ok.

She stayed alive in my house for five days. On the last day, i woke up to see she was standing on one foot. I still wish i had stayed home that day. I went out as usual and returned back home to say hello to my little darling bird and saw that she was frozen sitting inside a small room i built for her. I picked her up in my hands and she felt like a stuffed toy. Apparently she was dead. I am still angry with her that she left me.. I just dont understand why.

pigeon eye