Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

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What is the point of it all? 

The secret to any story is that there is no story at all. It’s all in the mind. There is no such thing as meaning it’s all in what we believe. Similarly, The meaning of life is to give life a meaning. So go out there and change the meaning.

A few weeks ago I wanted to meet new people. I thought meeting new people was going to make my life more interesting. And I met someone, now I realize that meeting this person is the most painful thing I ever had to do to myself. 

At four am in the morning I find myself wondering why i have to always fall in love and move on? I wonder if pain is an evident part of everybody’s life or just mine. How ridiculous of me, I am sure everybody experiences pain. 

When I was younger I used to avoid pain because I thought it made life easier. But the truth is it’s important to learn from pain. And you cannot learn from pain until you accept it. 

Today after all that I’ve been through, i learnt that its easy to love people than to hate. It hurts me to know that after all these years of fighting back I am still unable to be the person I want to be. I still cannot do the things that I want and only because I care too much about the happiness of the people in my life. 

I guess God always gives us only the things we can handle. And whatever is the pain that we are going through right now, I believe it is all going to be ok. 

So here I am thinking about the point of it all. These thoughts, these memories.. What am I supposed to do with these memories? Why meet someone so perfect only to say goodbye? Why love? Why part? Why should we let go of the things we’d like to own? 

The truth is i cannot erase the past nor can i write the future the way i want. So All that i can do is change my mind. It’s not going to be easy but it’s important that i do it. The most important thing to remember is that being happy also means to let go of the things that make you sad. 

#staystrongespeciallywhenyouareweak #loveislife #lovemeanstoacceptitthewayitis #keeploving #loveneverhurtnobody #itsallgonnabeok #neverregret #learnfromyourmistakes