A thing or two about love..

But first about how to write.. someone I used to admire once told me a little something about my writing.. And I remember it still. She said “the best thing about your writing is how you go in detail to explain everything about it.” I remember that at this moment. Because the moment I think of love I find myself looking back at my very first experience in love. And I can recollect my past experiences like a movie and tell what is wrong and what is right. It’s as if love has been the same but the people have changed. It’s as if I have been in love all 31 years of my life. (Would be nice if that were true.) And yet I make the same mistakes.

I always thought of marriage as an instituition. Perhaps because of a quote I found in my house when I grew up. My parents had this quote on a piece of wood. It used to hang in the walls of my childhood home. The quote said “marriage is a fine institution, but not everyone likes to live in an institution” and I have always wondered..

I am now married and no I don’t think marriage is an institution anymore. If anything I find marriage liberating. But I understand that marriage is love. Everything I learnt about love as a teenager or an adolescent or even an adult I am experiencing again in my marriage. The fights, the romance, the seperation, the pain, the care, everything about my marriage tells me how alike love and marriage are. I even find myself wondering why I did not marry for so many years before I actually did.

But like any relationship, and most importantly than all, a marriage requires a lot of sacrifice. This is the closest i have ever felt to realizing a fairy tale. God knows exactly what we want and gives us exactly that. But one should know how to read the signs. If you find an opportunity see it as a sign and grab it with both hands. Life is to be lived, not watched.

Advertisements

How much more should I fail? Will I ever succeed?

My husband took me to this free seminar by rohini mundra called the extra ordinary you.. I was feeling quite bored out there. Not because I was not interested in the seminar or all those great talks and lectures that were being given out there. But because these are things I already know and understand. Our time in this world is very limited. Our time in this world is to be successful. This entire seminar was about achieving success, it was as though they were rubbing it on my face. Yamini, you are a failure and if you need to succeed you need to take charge of your life. And I agree, I have failed not once but many times. I failed in every aspect of my life. I failed to become the perfect version of me. I instead became the perfect version of my nightmares. All the way through growing up I related with rebels because I was rebelling against the society. I was rebelling against my parents. Because i knew that i was good. Even though they never cared to accept it. There was something inside of me that was waiting to be accepted and appreciated. I spent all of my life feeling miserable and doing all the wrong things not knowing what to do with my life. Things when I look back feels were terribly wrong things to have done. You know the thing about the things we do right? It can never be undone. So I am at this point in my life where I need to accept it. I have to and I must accept the mistakes I have made in my past as my mistakes. And agree to move on and live a changed life. But what about my future. What about my success. This whole thought came to me because I had to share some truth about my life to a dear person. Someone who cares about me. And that person made me see all the things that I have been doing wrong. And I agree with that person. I have in fact been wrong for a really long time. I have been wrong about my parents about the way I have been conducting my life. So the question the reason I was bored at a very interesting seminar is because success to me is a very different idea from that of rohini mundra. She said in the beginning of the seminar that success means to make lots of money. Which I completely agree with. But before that, I need to be successful with my life. I need to accept my parents and my life as it is and be happy with them and it respectively. To me success at this point, is to find my own grace. Meanings often change to mean something else eventually. May be once I accept my life and become happy with it then I can think of achieving success in the definition of rohini. There is no doubt that rohini is fantastic mind shift coach and I would be ecstatic to have her as my own coach.. if I could ever afford her(!) But nevertheless I feel an enormous amount of pressure and nervousness to think of the one on one meeting with her this evening. After all she is successful in every aspect of her life and i am the exact opposite.

The fire in my heart

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got married. These few weeks have been very sweet, blissful and I have been feeling the one feeling I have desired so long for.. loved. Lately I have been thinking that I have taken this love for granted.

Coming from a place as dark as I have been, at no point can I afford to take love for granted. So i have to pull myself together, step outside of my body and understand what is going on. Meditation is a lovely way to do it, some like to meditate.. and some like to blog. I also believe that it’s always good to question yourself. That is one way to find answers you have never thought of…

So when I look into myself, when i come out of my body and try to understand myself, what do I see? What do I understand that I don’t already know??

On the overview, i see a 30 year old woman with a paunch of laziness. I have become stagnant and I have failed to come out of the tiresome feeling of wanting to be loved, even though i have already achieved it.. therefore feeling stagnant.. I constantly find myself accepting more and more things from people who care about me.. i accept gifts, love, and i don’t find myself returning these in any form.. I don’t ever see myself making a choice of love.. there is only a one way movement in my life right now and it’s going right into my womb of happiness.

So far, so good.. but lately i am worried that i have become desirous of material things, and sometimes I find myself unsatisfied and i am still looking for meaning and purpose for my life. So now.. I feel I am back to where I started from. I am where i have always been, i am at my lows seeking my “great perhaps.” Now, What if there was no “great perhaps”? What if all that you had and wanted was just right here in front of you? What would you Do?

So this is how I use my tone of acceptance.. Hmm!! Life is sometimes like a bitter stone that you bite into while you are tasting a sumptuous meal, is it not? You are right there enjoying the spicy taste of indian masala… 😂 and suddenly, you bite into a piece of bitterness and you feel like you want to throw up.. You might even wonder where that piece of bitterness came from?? And why did it come into my life right now?? That is how i feel, sometimes.. bitterly yours. There is this thought lurking around in my mind that I am desiring more than I require, that I feel greedy for material things.

I remember a friend telling me this at my darkest hour. It’s not something I could ever forget. She said.. you only get the love that you think you deserve. At many times i have learnt that this quote was actually true.. I accept only what i think i deserve…

Lately, all that I can think of is the perfect mirror that I want in the bedroom and the additional beautiful mirror that i want in our bathroom which has got to be lit up in the right direction which would make us see all of our beauty and all of our flaws. I want the perfect dining table that has a bench for kids to sit on… I want a loveseat for me and my partner to cozy around at home… the list of my wants is endless.. I am worried that I am desiring all these things out of greed and I am not even sure if my partner wants the same. Just yesterday i was telling my partner that I have seen so many beautiful homes in my life and that I admire them so much.. and naturally i want my home to be something like that.. but before I nag my husband into buying the things I desire and asking him to do the things I want, I just want to understand why I want the things I want.. i wonder why having a beautiful home is necessary and i am worried that i am looking for a beautiful home out of my desire to look beautiful?? Some.of you might think this thought is absolutely bizarre.. and it probably is.. but this thought puts me back on track.. to look beautiful is my actual quest anyway.. so if having a beautiful home is not going to make me beautiful then what is? I guess i have somewhere in my literal journeys of life, decided dedicate my life to being beautiful and that is like the thing that lights my way in all of its darkness.. “would you light my way…??” With great love #methe #audioslave

Guilty of not sharing

This whole thing about eating good food and not sharing it with the people and animals who are hungry, on the road, makes me feel so guilty. I feel that I should not buy expensive food and that I should help the poor instead. It’s a good thought. But is it enough? Will that make me happy? It certainly will make some other people happy. I do feel extremely sad when I see old people begging on the streets for food. Like what was their mistake? Why are they left behind on the road to beg?

Did they have a kid that left them behind to beg on the street without a bit of responsibility in his heart? Was he not provided food when he was a child by the same parents whom he does not care about anymore? How heartless has he become? Does this world create heartless people? If that is true then I will not be one of them. I love my family, my elders, my parents, my animals and then myself. It may not be in the same order always but I do love them.

This world has given me many failures but love will not be one of them. There are many things we can do in life.. We can travel, photograph, write, read, clean, be happy, and I think we should also add help the old to our list. I can’t give money.. but I can give food. It’s not going to be very expensive.. just a couple of idlys.. or some rice.

You may not always find them. But sometimes you will walk past them. You will see the horror in front of your eyes. There will be an old couple, or an old woman, selling cabbages, or begging on the street. At that point, stop, buy food and give it to her. Bring a smile on to her face and her heart. Let her know that there is someone in the world who still cares about her.

❤😢

Mk.

Things i think about at 2 am

Lately the only thing that has been clouding my mind is my wedding. Yes. I too have decided to embark upon that giant, massive, joint journey of life, and i am beginning to wonder if i am the right person for it. I was at a shopping mall yesterday, it was quite late and my fiance called me up. My fear level shot up a little high and i even thought i needn’t answer the call but eventually i did. But Why did i have to? Anyway, I was too afraid to answer the call because i knew i did not have to be at a shopping mall at 10:00 PM.

Honestly, i have been at worse places at that hour, so a shopping mall is not a bad place to be, according to me. But in a south Indian middle class household, these things are a shocker and my fiance is not the “baby you stay out as long as you want” type, he is more of a “dear, what are you doing in the middle of the night(10:00PM), outside, what if something happens to you” type. Honestly i want to be more attracted to the second type, because that is the type that wanted to marry me. So anyway, i got angry with him because i was scared. (???)

and i know this is my pattern. i have always been angry when i do wrong things. I am also angry when i don’t get what i want. and i am angry when people make me feel insecure. also, i am angry when i don’t know what to do.. Some people might ask, why do you get so angry? that is exactly the question for which i am seeking an answer.

people always tell me.. why do i over analyze things? why do i over think? And to all those born geniuses i want to say, some people want to know why we do what we do, some people want to know the meaning of their own emotions. Some people like me! who just does things without the thought of whether it should be done or not. It reminds me of the time when i grabbed a girls boob. It was one of the worst and the most embarrassing things i have done.. I am not proud of it, i am sick of it. I want you to know that i have done sick things in my life but on the contrary to what my ex boyfriend always said I want you to know that things change, people change, Ideas change, everything about life changes and you should take full responsibility for it. People should always think about what they do. Whether it is right or wrong.. we should all take a moment to think about, analyse and even understand what we are about to do, before we do anything that might affect us emotionally. Because there are things we do and forget and then there are things we do and never forget.

Time is always waiting for us. There is always time to do everything we want. That’s the knowledge i did not have last night. Had someone told me relax buddy do the shopping tomorrow i would not have gone out at night.. or gotten angry with someone who still doesn’t know me so well. Its not his fault. I don’t know myself too well too. So, going back to my analysis. (blogging is cheaper than talking to psychiatrists)

Anyway, why do i get angry? That million dollar question.. Hm.. I don’t know dude! Its just what i do. May be because i have always seen my mother get angry and get away with it and some where i had thought, i too can get angry and get away with it. And for many years i have, except one day when my best friend walked away from my life. I could never forgive myself after that but it was a very valuable lesson. It taught me to appreciate love.

Nothing scares me like the thought that i am not beautiful. So, i want myself to know that anger makes me ugly. Love makes me beautiful and it is simply my choice to choose how i want to be. Stories within stories dude.. nice awakening.

Have a great day y’all.

 

 

Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

What is the point of it all? 

The secret to any story is that there is no story at all. It’s all in the mind. There is no such thing as meaning it’s all in what we believe. Similarly, The meaning of life is to give life a meaning. So go out there and change the meaning.

A few weeks ago I wanted to meet new people. I thought meeting new people was going to make my life more interesting. And I met someone, now I realize that meeting this person is the most painful thing I ever had to do to myself. 

At four am in the morning I find myself wondering why i have to always fall in love and move on? I wonder if pain is an evident part of everybody’s life or just mine. How ridiculous of me, I am sure everybody experiences pain. 

When I was younger I used to avoid pain because I thought it made life easier. But the truth is it’s important to learn from pain. And you cannot learn from pain until you accept it. 

Today after all that I’ve been through, i learnt that its easy to love people than to hate. It hurts me to know that after all these years of fighting back I am still unable to be the person I want to be. I still cannot do the things that I want and only because I care too much about the happiness of the people in my life. 

I guess God always gives us only the things we can handle. And whatever is the pain that we are going through right now, I believe it is all going to be ok. 

So here I am thinking about the point of it all. These thoughts, these memories.. What am I supposed to do with these memories? Why meet someone so perfect only to say goodbye? Why love? Why part? Why should we let go of the things we’d like to own? 

The truth is i cannot erase the past nor can i write the future the way i want. So All that i can do is change my mind. It’s not going to be easy but it’s important that i do it. The most important thing to remember is that being happy also means to let go of the things that make you sad. 

#staystrongespeciallywhenyouareweak #loveislife #lovemeanstoacceptitthewayitis #keeploving #loveneverhurtnobody #itsallgonnabeok #neverregret #learnfromyourmistakes  

Cracks me up.

When you create things, there is an incredible amount of energy and flow which you witness. Sometimes I find myself wonder where all that knowledge came from. People always consider me stupid. It’s probably the faces i make or the endless jokes I crack for no reason. I like to be funny because I like to laugh. And it makes me happy to know that people are laughing because of me. 

I have always wondered if people were laughing at me or because of me. I still don’t know for sure. I think people like my jokes but they don’t realize that they are laughing because they understood something I cracked. I think people are slow but my trainer and my coworkers believe that I am slow. 

It is true. Sometimes I am so involved with myself that I take more time than others to understand things. But if you think about It, everybody takes time to understand things depending upon their interest. But people always point at others mistakes. Like I just did. Again, if you think about it, what a funny world. I find happiness when I laugh at the serious aspects of life. It makes the whole world light. It makes it easier to accept life when you choose to be funny. 

So the real question is should I be ashamed of myself because I am funny? Or should I be proud? Because those are the only two ways I know to be. People learn things. Learning never stops till the end of time because inside each and every one of us there is a voice. And this voice is constantly asking us what to do. Should we be happy? Or sad? Or funny? Or smart? Should we laugh or smile or cry? Should we be envious or kind? What should I be? What should I do? This voice can never be silenced. It’s hungry and beautiful. 
So I say i must accept it. I must accept the fact that i am funny. I also think I must make use of my funny nature or thoughts but in a respectable way. But that’s only my first idea. There are plenty more ideas to choose from. I think I should accept that I am funny and be serious about it. I should not laugh at myself because I am my first critic. And if I don’t love myself nobody else will. 

I was out yesterday meeting some people and I felt respected when they told me that it’s very bold of me to be writing this blog. I feel that I am headed in a direction that’s going to be pretty good. 

Good morning. Have a nice day. 

Mk. 

There is so much pain in the heart which the mind does not know.

It was just another regular morning and I was coming back home, from work, the body and mind was tired and i just wanted to reach home fast and crash on my bed. But there was music playing inside my cab and I had laid my eyes on the rustic morning view outside. As the songs went on to describe how much the hero was in love with the heroine, i started to think about my own stories of love and hate. Soon there was so much depression in my mind and I couldn’t help but feel lonely and cry. I had realised how love was a promise we made to each other and how he could leave me and find someone else to share the same feelings with. To think of it, I find it silly, but it wasn’t less than a week when I could recover from that depression I had fallen into.

Sometimes I think of life as a rough course made for running, and while you are at it you climb barriers or fall into pits. The time it takes to move on from each task is enormous. As time passes by, these tasks seem to take more time than ever. But it’s this knowledge of knowing that life is just a run, which keeps me going happily. No matter how many times I fall, I always wake up with that silly smile on my face which I don’t relate with.

So, after a week I told myself that it’s only in movies that men can fall madly in love with women. But I was wrong, if men could only fall in love with women in movies, then why was the whole world married? I think there is so much peace a man attains when he marries a woman he loves and I think it brings him greater peace to do it everyday. Love is magical when it’s shared, everyday, every minute, even for a time as long as the rest of your life. I appreciate love, but it’s so easy for me to take it for granted and no one should be allowed to take love for granted.

I wish I had more peace than I am at now. I wanted friends because I had none at one point and this desire had made me somewhat loose. Now I have found some friends whom I love and respect and some whom I hate. It sounds really silly to me but there is nothing else in life than love and hate. You have got to be really careful to see through the thick and thin to realise this. There is nothing more in this world than love, like and hate. After all we are humans and we are designed to emote and understand. So somewhat loose means that I have fallen out of my own barriers and doors of limit to talk. I have spoken too much than required. I am feeling embarrassed. I have failed to understand the opposite side. Some people are not worth loving.

We are all selfish and that’s okay, because our hearts can still melt at the sight of pain. But being selfish and blind is the worst way to be and some people I know are selfish and blind. I can’t help but hate them. Which I know is wrong, I should not hate them, I should just distance myself from them. It’s easier to do that than to hate. Great minds talk about ideas, silly minds about people, and small minds about events. I realise that this person I hate/want to distance myself from is probably just a reflection of myself. It is possible that I am selfish and blind when it comes to the people I love. Everybody and everything else becomes a big blur. May be this is an opportunity for me to realize that there is a lot more going on out there which I don’t see or don’t understand. May be its time for me to focus on different things.

 

 

Why I will continue to write on WordPress and publish on facebook.

A lot of people asked me to stop publishing my blog on facebook. They asked me if i was trying to establish my character or if im trying to self publicize… I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop publishing on eff-bee. But now it turns out the only reason I blog is by knowing that a lot of people read it on fb.

Without facebook, I don’t feel like writing, and when I don’t write I feel that a lot of my emotions are being bottled up. Bottled up emotions aren’t good. Like a bottle of aerated soda, one day it might just pop.

Some people asked me to talk to people who would care about me and listen to my feelings and probably even give me advice. (P:s: It is required to attain a certain age to find the ability in oneself to accept advice) Sure. But I haven’t met anyone so far who would selflessly listen or genuinely care. So until then I am going to write and publish on facebook. And if anyone feels annoyed or burdened and does not want to listen. You don’t have to read. You can go watch porn or something.