Guilty of not sharing

This whole thing about eating good food and not sharing it with the people and animals who are hungry, on the road, makes me feel so guilty. I feel that I should not buy expensive food and that I should help the poor instead. It’s a good thought. But is it enough? Will that make me happy? It certainly will make some other people happy. I do feel extremely sad when I see old people begging on the streets for food. Like what was their mistake? Why are they left behind on the road to beg?

Did they have a kid that left them behind to beg on the street without a bit of responsibility in his heart? Was he not provided food when he was a child by the same parents whom he does not care about anymore? How heartless has he become? Does this world create heartless people? If that is true then I will not be one of them. I love my family, my elders, my parents, my animals and then myself. It may not be in the same order always but I do love them.

This world has given me many failures but love will not be one of them. There are many things we can do in life.. We can travel, photograph, write, read, clean, be happy, and I think we should also add help the old to our list. I can’t give money.. but I can give food. It’s not going to be very expensive.. just a couple of idlys.. or some rice.

You may not always find them. But sometimes you will walk past them. You will see the horror in front of your eyes. There will be an old couple, or an old woman, selling cabbages, or begging on the street. At that point, stop, buy food and give it to her. Bring a smile on to her face and her heart. Let her know that there is someone in the world who still cares about her.

❤😢

Mk.

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Things i think about at 2 am

Lately the only thing that has been clouding my mind is my wedding. Yes. I too have decided to embark upon that giant, massive, joint journey of life, and i am beginning to wonder if i am the right person for it. I was at a shopping mall yesterday, it was quite late and my fiance called me up. My fear level shot up a little high and i even thought i needn’t answer the call but eventually i did. But Why did i have to? Anyway, I was too afraid to answer the call because i knew i did not have to be at a shopping mall at 10:00 PM.

Honestly, i have been at worse places at that hour, so a shopping mall is not a bad place to be, according to me. But in a south Indian middle class household, these things are a shocker and my fiance is not the “baby you stay out as long as you want” type, he is more of a “dear, what are you doing in the middle of the night(10:00PM), outside, what if something happens to you” type. Honestly i want to be more attracted to the second type, because that is the type that wanted to marry me. So anyway, i got angry with him because i was scared. (???)

and i know this is my pattern. i have always been angry when i do wrong things. I am also angry when i don’t get what i want. and i am angry when people make me feel insecure. also, i am angry when i don’t know what to do.. Some people might ask, why do you get so angry? that is exactly the question for which i am seeking an answer.

people always tell me.. why do i over analyze things? why do i over think? And to all those born geniuses i want to say, some people want to know why we do what we do, some people want to know the meaning of their own emotions. Some people like me! who just does things without the thought of whether it should be done or not. It reminds me of the time when i grabbed a girls boob. It was one of the worst and the most embarrassing things i have done.. I am not proud of it, i am sick of it. I want you to know that i have done sick things in my life but on the contrary to what my ex boyfriend always said I want you to know that things change, people change, Ideas change, everything about life changes and you should take full responsibility for it. People should always think about what they do. Whether it is right or wrong.. we should all take a moment to think about, analyse and even understand what we are about to do, before we do anything that might affect us emotionally. Because there are things we do and forget and then there are things we do and never forget.

Time is always waiting for us. There is always time to do everything we want. That’s the knowledge i did not have last night. Had someone told me relax buddy do the shopping tomorrow i would not have gone out at night.. or gotten angry with someone who still doesn’t know me so well. Its not his fault. I don’t know myself too well too. So, going back to my analysis. (blogging is cheaper than talking to psychiatrists)

Anyway, why do i get angry? That million dollar question.. Hm.. I don’t know dude! Its just what i do. May be because i have always seen my mother get angry and get away with it and some where i had thought, i too can get angry and get away with it. And for many years i have, except one day when my best friend walked away from my life. I could never forgive myself after that but it was a very valuable lesson. It taught me to appreciate love.

Nothing scares me like the thought that i am not beautiful. So, i want myself to know that anger makes me ugly. Love makes me beautiful and it is simply my choice to choose how i want to be. Stories within stories dude.. nice awakening.

Have a great day y’all.

 

 

Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

What is the point of it all? 

The secret to any story is that there is no story at all. It’s all in the mind. There is no such thing as meaning it’s all in what we believe. Similarly, The meaning of life is to give life a meaning. So go out there and change the meaning.

A few weeks ago I wanted to meet new people. I thought meeting new people was going to make my life more interesting. And I met someone, now I realize that meeting this person is the most painful thing I ever had to do to myself. 

At four am in the morning I find myself wondering why i have to always fall in love and move on? I wonder if pain is an evident part of everybody’s life or just mine. How ridiculous of me, I am sure everybody experiences pain. 

When I was younger I used to avoid pain because I thought it made life easier. But the truth is it’s important to learn from pain. And you cannot learn from pain until you accept it. 

Today after all that I’ve been through, i learnt that its easy to love people than to hate. It hurts me to know that after all these years of fighting back I am still unable to be the person I want to be. I still cannot do the things that I want and only because I care too much about the happiness of the people in my life. 

I guess God always gives us only the things we can handle. And whatever is the pain that we are going through right now, I believe it is all going to be ok. 

So here I am thinking about the point of it all. These thoughts, these memories.. What am I supposed to do with these memories? Why meet someone so perfect only to say goodbye? Why love? Why part? Why should we let go of the things we’d like to own? 

The truth is i cannot erase the past nor can i write the future the way i want. So All that i can do is change my mind. It’s not going to be easy but it’s important that i do it. The most important thing to remember is that being happy also means to let go of the things that make you sad. 

#staystrongespeciallywhenyouareweak #loveislife #lovemeanstoacceptitthewayitis #keeploving #loveneverhurtnobody #itsallgonnabeok #neverregret #learnfromyourmistakes  

Cracks me up.

When you create things, there is an incredible amount of energy and flow which you witness. Sometimes I find myself wonder where all that knowledge came from. People always consider me stupid. It’s probably the faces i make or the endless jokes I crack for no reason. I like to be funny because I like to laugh. And it makes me happy to know that people are laughing because of me. 

I have always wondered if people were laughing at me or because of me. I still don’t know for sure. I think people like my jokes but they don’t realize that they are laughing because they understood something I cracked. I think people are slow but my trainer and my coworkers believe that I am slow. 

It is true. Sometimes I am so involved with myself that I take more time than others to understand things. But if you think about It, everybody takes time to understand things depending upon their interest. But people always point at others mistakes. Like I just did. Again, if you think about it, what a funny world. I find happiness when I laugh at the serious aspects of life. It makes the whole world light. It makes it easier to accept life when you choose to be funny. 

So the real question is should I be ashamed of myself because I am funny? Or should I be proud? Because those are the only two ways I know to be. People learn things. Learning never stops till the end of time because inside each and every one of us there is a voice. And this voice is constantly asking us what to do. Should we be happy? Or sad? Or funny? Or smart? Should we laugh or smile or cry? Should we be envious or kind? What should I be? What should I do? This voice can never be silenced. It’s hungry and beautiful. 
So I say i must accept it. I must accept the fact that i am funny. I also think I must make use of my funny nature or thoughts but in a respectable way. But that’s only my first idea. There are plenty more ideas to choose from. I think I should accept that I am funny and be serious about it. I should not laugh at myself because I am my first critic. And if I don’t love myself nobody else will. 

I was out yesterday meeting some people and I felt respected when they told me that it’s very bold of me to be writing this blog. I feel that I am headed in a direction that’s going to be pretty good. 

Good morning. Have a nice day. 

Mk. 

There is so much pain in the heart which the mind does not know.

It was just another regular morning and I was coming back home, from work, the body and mind was tired and i just wanted to reach home fast and crash on my bed. But there was music playing inside my cab and I had laid my eyes on the rustic morning view outside. As the songs went on to describe how much the hero was in love with the heroine, i started to think about my own stories of love and hate. Soon there was so much depression in my mind and I couldn’t help but feel lonely and cry. I had realised how love was a promise we made to each other and how he could leave me and find someone else to share the same feelings with. To think of it, I find it silly, but it wasn’t less than a week when I could recover from that depression I had fallen into.

Sometimes I think of life as a rough course made for running, and while you are at it you climb barriers or fall into pits. The time it takes to move on from each task is enormous. As time passes by, these tasks seem to take more time than ever. But it’s this knowledge of knowing that life is just a run, which keeps me going happily. No matter how many times I fall, I always wake up with that silly smile on my face which I don’t relate with.

So, after a week I told myself that it’s only in movies that men can fall madly in love with women. But I was wrong, if men could only fall in love with women in movies, then why was the whole world married? I think there is so much peace a man attains when he marries a woman he loves and I think it brings him greater peace to do it everyday. Love is magical when it’s shared, everyday, every minute, even for a time as long as the rest of your life. I appreciate love, but it’s so easy for me to take it for granted and no one should be allowed to take love for granted.

I wish I had more peace than I am at now. I wanted friends because I had none at one point and this desire had made me somewhat loose. Now I have found some friends whom I love and respect and some whom I hate. It sounds really silly to me but there is nothing else in life than love and hate. You have got to be really careful to see through the thick and thin to realise this. There is nothing more in this world than love, like and hate. After all we are humans and we are designed to emote and understand. So somewhat loose means that I have fallen out of my own barriers and doors of limit to talk. I have spoken too much than required. I am feeling embarrassed. I have failed to understand the opposite side. Some people are not worth loving.

We are all selfish and that’s okay, because our hearts can still melt at the sight of pain. But being selfish and blind is the worst way to be and some people I know are selfish and blind. I can’t help but hate them. Which I know is wrong, I should not hate them, I should just distance myself from them. It’s easier to do that than to hate. Great minds talk about ideas, silly minds about people, and small minds about events. I realise that this person I hate/want to distance myself from is probably just a reflection of myself. It is possible that I am selfish and blind when it comes to the people I love. Everybody and everything else becomes a big blur. May be this is an opportunity for me to realize that there is a lot more going on out there which I don’t see or don’t understand. May be its time for me to focus on different things.

 

 

Why I will continue to write on WordPress and publish on facebook.

A lot of people asked me to stop publishing my blog on facebook. They asked me if i was trying to establish my character or if im trying to self publicize… I felt embarrassed. I decided to stop publishing on eff-bee. But now it turns out the only reason I blog is by knowing that a lot of people read it on fb.

Without facebook, I don’t feel like writing, and when I don’t write I feel that a lot of my emotions are being bottled up. Bottled up emotions aren’t good. Like a bottle of aerated soda, one day it might just pop.

Some people asked me to talk to people who would care about me and listen to my feelings and probably even give me advice. (P:s: It is required to attain a certain age to find the ability in oneself to accept advice) Sure. But I haven’t met anyone so far who would selflessly listen or genuinely care. So until then I am going to write and publish on facebook. And if anyone feels annoyed or burdened and does not want to listen. You don’t have to read. You can go watch porn or something.

Love never ends

It’s a strange feeling. Knowing where you are in life. This knowledge about your past and everything that you ever remember. The journey, the people that you miss, the time that you have lost. No, we are not getting any younger. I feel like I am responding to a friend who called me late at night. She unfriended me on facebook. Perhaps it means that we are no longer friends. I have always cared about her.

I’ve been on my bed this entire day and im planning on doing the same tomorrow as well. I have been tired. I imagine to be on a mini vacation inside my room.

I miss my mom. More often than ever these days I think of how little time there is left for us in this world. And I should learn to love my mother. I get angry with her because I am afraid of the pain I feel from the monstrous things she says. I am now sad that I may never get a chance to love her.

I always think of a reason to believe that she is a bad person who never appreciates what I do or who I am. Are my feelings just petty? Is my anger meaningless? I still feel that my love is misunderstood. God gives every person a struggle only when he knows that they are strong enough to face it. Perhaps there is something god wants me to understand.

You know, i’ve always thought that life was a lot like mathematics. Problems, solutions, everywhere. I know that there is a perfect solution to every problem and that all problems has solutions. My life has never been the same ever since I realized this. Perhaps it will change more.

Love solves all things unsolvable. There is a reason I have been given this light in my life. Now all that I have to do is to treat them with kindness, with patience, accept pain and not be afraid of it.

On the last year of my school we were all given a souvenir, it had a bible verse printed on it. Everytime I feel lost, I read these beautiful lines and my life would have meaning and purpose again. I have written it here so I could remember it by heart and never make the same mistakes over and over again.

Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in the wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things.
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
🌈

Choose your friends wisely.

I have never chosen anything wisely in my life, let alone choosing friends. When i was young.. I liked people who were rich and clean. And that’s how I chose the best friends of my childhood. They are all scattered around the city and some settled abroad with kids and some occupied with work. After my boyfriend broke up with me, I tried so hard to find my friends inside these people, but they were all changed. Perhaps, so had I.

I think it is foolish to keep looking for things in the wrong places. I have lived a few years without friends. It has been tough, which is why I realize that I need friends. So here is a check list I am making for friends in my life.

First of all, I must start adding girlfriends into my life because girls are necessary for girls. Just like how boys are necessary for boys. You need a girlfriend to share your girl problems with. Guys don’t always listen.. Second, it should be a girl who is decent, stylish and modern at the same time. Third, she has to be young because i am sick of older women friends.

And last but not the least, she must like me. I am also sick of having a million friends since childhood, whom I like. It will be an interesting transformation for me and for my life, to have some one who would like me rather than me being absolutely in love with them.

So.. That’s about it. It was an interesting check list to make. My tough life is about to begin and I am going to watch how things unfold.

Wish me luck.
Mk. 💕

Youngistaan is in my blood

I remember how much I used to hate “free advice” when I was younger but I don’t anymore. Not because im old, but because im mature enough to realize that its important to understand what other people think and to take my own decisions based on what I feel is right.

This is one of the most important things I wish I had done as a youngster or a youngistaan as I like to call it these days. I read it somewhere that children should be taught how to think on their own and that its one of the most important education one must go through.. And… I agree and I also add… One must be taught how to analyze things. How to accept things. How to choose things, how to take decisions, how to care for themselves, how to study and understand, how to excel at being themselves. One must be discovered while they are young. I think inside every grown man and woman there is a child that wishes it had started on its work really early. Because no matter how hard you work it just seems that there is no time left.

As you grow older you would realize how important a career is. A career is something that defines your life. It defines your existence even after you have gone. Your work will speak for you. On the other hand, my religion tells me that whatever work i do, i must dedicate it to god. I must know, accept and realize that everything that i do is only done to fulfill the wishes of my god and therefore i have no right over it myself. Its like I only experience life as it comes, and swim 🏊 through it.

So at this point I am confused. I wonder if it is necessary to work hard towards my dreams and goals or to let go of it all and stay at home to enjoy the fruits of life. That sounds like so much fun.💃 But… there is a part of me that kind of wants to get up and succeed. I wonder if that raging power in me should be silenced or accepted.

Should I or should I not? To be or not to be. I made my decision long ago that I will only do things that will make me beautiful. Its a simple matter of seeing whether this is good for me or not. I am driven by a force to prove myself to people who are no longer in my life. Its almost as if I am doing these things for no reason. Perhaps if I found a reason..

With love,
Miss.Angry bird.

P:s: I feel my earth shake like an earthquake, its hard to see clear, is it me or is it fear?

No darling, I wonder why you are doing what you are doing.