I am not like that. I cannot be alone for even a short period of time. I get lonely. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Its okay to be alone but its never ok to feel lonely. Loneliness can make you feel unwanted, it can give you depression. It may even take you to a place from where you may never want to return again.
Sometimes I find it impossible to say the words inside my mind. I have more conversations inside my mind than I ever do in reality. How did this even begin? Where did i get lost? Why am I struggling to get back to being normal? Being normal, how do people define that?
I don’t feel normal at times. I feel like I live in a different world. A world in a higher reality. Is that bad? It does give me a superiority complex. Its funny because i normally suffer from an inferiority complex. Am I looking for a balance between these two states of mind? I really don’t know what I am going through.
I feel lonely because i know that there is no one else other than me, in my higher reality. People are having fun living in the real world while I have been living alone for a long time. It was all fun till I was 25. I don’t mean to regret. I had the best times doing what I did but you have to change your habits if you are looking for a transformation. Transformations don’t happen on their own. You make them happen. You struggle for it. You fight for it, even when no one understands what you are going through. You may even lose your closest friends when you make these changes.
Its amazing how much time you have in your hand when you get organized. Its also amazing how much work I still have, to do. Its more tiring than amazing at this point. I don’t want to complain but i don’t know what else to do. Do I like this life? Do I enjoy it? I am not sure if i do but I know I want to. I want to like the life I am creating for myself. I want to enjoy the peace, after all that’s why all this began.
I guess it helps to listen to the world sometimes. I calm down to listen, to feel, to understand, because otherwise I am so busy I don’t have the time to do any of this.
Wakemeupstory: There was once a boy who smelt a rose and couldn’t stop till he found it. But in the end he could never find that rose because it never existed.
The thing that I am doing is a little bit like that rose story. The things i run behind like success and money, they are not real. They are only things i need to have a more happy and comfortable life. They are not always necessary. Its important to know your goals. Its important to understand what you want. You need to have a vision if you want to lead your life. You have to know what you really want. Otherwise you are simply running behind something for no reason.
My childhood friend once said that she will become an actress when she grows up. I still remember that moment. We were in her room and she was confident and sure about her future. She said that an astrologer whom her mother meets regularly has told that she will become an actress when she grows up. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I remember always thinking that i wish I was her. It was at that moment that I wondered if I would ever get a chance to become an actress like her.
No. I could never act. I am a ridiculous actor but my desire is still alive. I am trying to become a director. Its been nothing less of hard work and I am not sure about what is going on with my body anymore. I am worried. My hair is a mess, my skin is patchy and dark, thankfully, my exercise routine is ok. So at least my body is in control. I am tired and for heavens sake, I feel old. What I really want at this point is to be kind and beautiful towards everyone I love. I want to be happy. I want people in my life. People to love and care about.
I feel miserable knowing that I have been using my body and killing its desires to fulfill the dreams of my own.