Some kind of monster

I’m a huge fan of Metallica. I think its the one band that creates the type of music that matches my emotions. Its exactly me. Sometimes I find myself alone, perhaps after a lot of crying feeling that i don’t want to cry anymore even though I realize that nothing has changed. In that moment i am no longer some kind of a monster.. I am no longer angry about the things that i cant change, In that moment i settle down and accept it. No matter how painful the issue may be, you have to just accept it because this is what god wants for you.

You have no right to change what god wants for you. You have no power over god. You only have the power to ask, to wish, to feel or to want but beyond that, you have got to accept it. It is in moments like these that I think that life is beautiful. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

There is a lot going on in my body that requires to be healed. I need to pray to god. I think it will work better if I included prayers in my daily routine. Even 60 year old people struggle without a routine, I am happy. I have always believed in the things which I believe today. The only mistake I repeatedly made was to keep running after people for all the wrong reasons. I cannot call it love, I call it the greed for love. The greed for attention. No, it doesn’t work, not for me. You have got to know who you are, what you like and what you want. That’s when you can achieve it. Greed is not a good emotion, even if it were for love. God gives us exactly what we want and when we need it.

A week has passed by and I still haven’t found a perspective for what im going through. And I am searching for one. Peace is a wonderful reason to work. Peace or bliss. They both mean the same to me. I have been considering meditation but that’s not anytime before I accept the butterfly, because I am still afraid of it.

Fly away, my little butterfly. Fly so far away from my reach that I am no longer afraid of you. Lol. You know what I am most scared of in a butterfly? Its movement. But coming to think of it I think its kind of beautiful. Its gentle and feminine. Yeah… beautiful, yes. If it really was beautiful then why am I afraid of it?

Who to be and who not to be?

This fight in my mind started because of a small confusion. I had gone out to meet a friend and in all intentions, I wanted to wear traditional clothes but I ended up wearing something sexy. You should know that women don’t think sexy as a bad thing. We think sexy as just a word. A word that means nothing but I suppose its about time we realize what “sexy” in “fashion” really means. I am trying to convince my mind to choose the word decent over sexy, in the sense of “fashion”. 🙅

So it was just another evening I was invited to meet a friend at a public place and I decided to wear something a little bit sexy. In the end, I did not look good. I know it because we took some pictures and I looked a little bit on the lines of ugly. 😐 It’s been over one month since that happened and I am still not over it. I finally have convinced myself that when it comes to my fashion choices, I want to be decent. I hope this helps all women, because choice is the secret when it comes to almost all things in life and knowing how to choose fashion is kind of important.

Anyway, on further thoughts, i think it is necessary for women my age to accept who they are in all ways. Its not just about choosing to be decent in fashion. Its about everything, from words to lifestyle habits, to food. I have got to learn how to be decent with food. P:s: Its a story that I will never tell.

Acceptance is kind of like the emotion I am going through right now. I have to accept my age, my skin tone, my choices, my body, my emotions. Yes, there is a lot of acceptance that needs to happen in order for me to be happy. But on the other side I remember all the people from my past, the life that I have lived, not that I ever looked good living that life, but I was happy and its hard to accept that my life is no longer the same. 😢

Its difficult to make life changing choices and to live it. Sometimes I think of myself as a genius, at other times, I know that I am stupid for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. Failure is a pretty doomed feeling. My failures make me weak. I am not able to do my work every time I break out realizing what a failure I am.

According to the ritual of self image, one must know who they are. You can determine your self image and in fact you must. So how do you do that? You have got to know what type of person you are, are you a good person or a bad person? Are you a happy person or a sad person? What is your fashion? What are your goals? What would you like to do? What matters to you? Who are you? What do you like in food? You pretty much have to have these and more questions answered in order to live the life that you have always wanted. Are you a strong person? Or a soft person? What are your weaknesses? How would you like your appearance to be? Visualize everything, and be surprised when you see it all happen right in front of your eyes. This isn’t my theory, its the theory of self image. So that’s why it is important that one works on their own self image.

So why dont iI ask myself right now? Am I a failure? Or am I a successful person? Who do i want to be? Some question are worth beinganswered.

Cheers,
Mk.

The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.

Cheers,
Mk.

there is so much left unsaid… !!?

I was listening to a charles bukowski video 📼, in which he had said very clearly that if writing doesn’t come to you, don’t write. I wondered to myself if I was wrong to choose writing as a career. I don’t know, may be its not meant for me because I find it difficult to sit and transfer my thoughts into reality.

I find it difficult to stay calm and accomplish my writing goals. Its probably because I am attempting to write screenplays. I don’t know if i am fit enough to become a good writer but i truly enjoy writing while I am at it.

Because its straight from my heart. If i didn’t want to write i would think about these thoughts in my mind. I would find a comfortable position to sit and i would form each word for every thought inside my mind and smile to myself.

I’m looking for a word that means more than extraordinary. I think I have found it. “powerful”.. How powerful is a mind to draw the attention of all. A mind is all there is.

I was thinking about the life source inside our body. The soul. I have wondered very little about life after death. There is a small hope created in my mind by the Bhagavad Gita. As the Gita has promised me there is a possibility to be eternally free after death, to join the supreme consciousness of god. All I need to do is say the hare Krishna mantra. But perhaps, I need to know what it means.

My mother once told me that when a person dies they either piss, shit or vomit or there would be a spill of some bodily fluid from one of the many holes in a human body. She had proven it with a sub-story which she truly believed was true. I believed her too. Until now, because now I’m starting to feel that the soul can never be separated from the body.

There is only a conscience, in a place non-existant which we all call the mind. I am pretty sure that plants have a mind of their own. All animals have a conscience and through the years i have understood this.

I believe that when a person dies their consciousness seizes to exist. They can no longer perceive the world with any of their senses. They can no longer think.

The mind is a reflection of what exists. I simply reflect myself with words everytime i write or think. Man is an extraordinary being to have invented language and civilization. Man kind is extraordinary. I am a mind trapped inside a human body. I will always be.

The mind is a beautiful place to live. I feel courageous everytime i say things like these because i realize that it explains my surreal life.

I talk to animals and watch lizards eat rice. I can feel a divine connection with the world. Yes, I still have worldly desires. I want to be married and I want to do something in cinema.

My life is my biggest problem. I am on a journey to find the ultimate solution. Happiness must be the ultimate solution for life.. 😍

No matter how painful life seems. Remember to feel good. Remember to be true to yourself. I need a constant reminder to express my feelings because sometimes I just don’t realize it.

Searching deeply for love,
Mk.❤

The most beautiful things in the world aren’t really things at all.

I remember this line from the movie american beauty. We watched that movie at my sister’s friends place. It was one of those really fun times. My sister’s friend had working parents. In India it meant freedom. Meaning there is no way in the world the parents would come back, between 9 AM and 5 PM. There would be home cooked food and my sisters friend would invite her boy-friends. So as curious as we were, my sister used to take me along during holidays because she was afraid of the idea of men and being together in a house.

We would watch movies, listen to songs, eat lunch, spend time. I honestly had no clue about what was going on between the older people but i can be sure that they were a decent bunch.

Anyway, that is where i first saw the movie american beauty. It was quite a sensational film at that time, even in america, i heard. Anyway, In that movie the hero asks the girl if she wants to see the most beautiful thing he has ever filmed?

The hero is a lonely filmer. He makes videos of random things he sees and has a cassette collection in his shelf. So the girl agrees to see and he shows her a video of a plastic bag on the road. You can find that scene here.

I have never understood this scene and therefore it has never left my mind. The things that haunt you, haunt you because you have not understood it yet. Once you understand something, the mind changes. It starts to look for more meaningful things. It grows. The mind grows like a plant, leaf after leaf it spurts its opinion from inside of you, and thus, creating you.

I feel a lot of pain in my heart. I wonder if that’s how real pain begins. The kind that leads to heart attacks and everything. Anyway. This pain is caused by love, betrayal and rejection. Its rejection mainly. In simple words, its the lack of attention from the people i love. Yes I am 27 years old and i still need attention. This probably is a reminder for myself to look into my needs.

I’ve been thinking a lot about money and the i feel comforted by the idea of working hard in order to live the kind of life i want. I like the idea of working. I like the idea of coming up in life but I wonder if i had leaned more towards the idea of money and forgotten to love.

It happens very easily, when life gets serious, its easy to feel stressed and not realize what you are feeling. What is life really?

Life is a gift. Life is magic. Life is the only precious thing there can ever be in this world. It is very easy to forget this and to find ourselves blended with the problems. Problems like what to do, what to wear, what to eat, how to look pretty, do they like me, do they hate me, why aren’t they happy, why are they famous, when will i ever get my break, why is life so difficult.. breathe.

The answer to all of those problems are in a single line, They are not real.

Because the truth is god is always helping us. If you have a problem, solve it. If you cant find a solution, pray to god for a solution and it will come up. If you are feeling too happy, thank god. If you are feeling too sad, experience it.

Don’t forget to pray for change. God answers prayers.

Last night i was too sad, i couldnt sleep. I couldn’t pray either because i had no idea what i was doing. So i went to my balcony and sat there. It had rained in the afternoon, and all evening, and there was some water on the concrete railing. Inside that water, i could see the reflection of a street light. I focussed my eyes like a camera and the street light was so clear that it looked like a painting. I moved forward and backward, and from left to right. The street light moved along with me. I could also see the reflection of the light on the highlights of the water. They were like small yellow dots as they were out of focus. It was beautiful. It reminded me that life is that extraordinary painting that we are meant to see and admire.

I realized how i had forgotten all about it, ever since i started worrying about my age and marriage. My parents think im too old to get married at 27. and i feel that im just as young as ever. After all 27 is just a number. And numbers don’t mean anything.

Sure, i still believe in age, because it means i have had a life for 27 years, and i have met so many people, i have had so many painful relationships and I’m still afraid of butterflies. But i also believe that life is magical, but i don’t know if love is real.

Oh mahananda Maye. Shree Krishna, the merciful. Please love me. As i am your child.

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Trippy Morning.

The sweet sound of love

There are times when i’m melancholic. Its hard to explain if melancholy was boredom or life. Lately life has been very very beautiful. I like the sight of butterflies. Its ironic that one shouldn’t care in order to be free. I always thought care makes you beautiful. I’ve been thinking a lot about fire. I saw a cow. She was sweeter than me. She walked away when she knew that i was uncomfortable eating at a roadside sandwich shop while she was watching me. She was angry and i cried when i realized  that i had embarrassed her but it didn’t matter to me when i realized that i was beautiful.

Dogs, crows and cows are inseparable parts of my life. What a wonderful thing it is this life. What a gift it is to see such beautiful things like fire. Every flame reminds me of the greatness of god. Fire is an element of the world. Being surrounded by man made things like bricks and concrete and gadgets and electricity, the very sight of fire and the knowledge that it is beyond human control makes me understand its divine nature. It looks like its not part of our world and that its part of another dimension. Something magical. I have no words to describe water, the very sound of water mesmerizes me. Every time i imagine a water stream i feel the sensation of something extremely beautiful. Some memories are unforgettable and some memories are unforgivable.

I sincerely wonder what love means. It hurts me to even think about it because everyone i loved, left me in despair. I think i may have given up on love and I am slowly falling in love with my own voice.

Nothing makes me happier than songs. I wonder if love has something to do with music. If love was a song, would we sing it everyday. If love was light, then would i shine?

I wonder what kind of a world this is. I wonder if there is any meaning at all. Beside all of those painful thoughts, i still believe in god. i believe that life is the greatest gift ever. There is god in everything we see, feel, think and hear. Looking for that makes life more and more beautiful, everyday. I think god is a universal mind. He makes us see, hear, smell, perceive, and feel everything we want to. i pray to god all the time and god always answers my prayers. I like the colours i see. I like the feelings in me. I wonder what the future holds for me.

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Fear of Butterflies

butterfly hairclip

I was six or younger, may be even older, i don’t remember my age as much my memories. We were living in Chennai, the place i grew up. There used to be an annual trade fair that happened at the YMCA palace grounds. One particular year my brother, Its funny how i associate this brother as the root cause of my non-understanding of relationships and the fear of butterflies. This brother isn’t my real brother. He is a family friend. Anyway. He put up a stall at the trade fair. He sold paper butterflies.  It had a sort of mechanism, made of rubber band. If you wind the rubber band and let it go the big huge butterfly would fly so far away with a rattling plastic paper noise.   I was his assistant for this project. My job was to go pick up the butterflies and bring it back to the stall, every time he wound it to demonstrate.

This is my first memory that i associate with the fear of butterflies.

My question is, if i was scared of butterflies before this incident then there was no way i agreed to work with him on this project. I don’t remember exactly since when i’ve been scared of it, because if i knew then i would know what the reason is. This fear isn’t small or simple or as many people have told me, Irrational. I understand that it is an irrational fear, but nevertheless it is true, to me. I can tell you  what scares me in a butterfly. You may try to make some sense out if it and it might help me understand this so called, irrational fear.

I don’t remember who told me this, but i think its my mom. We were younger and we were discussing something in our old house, when someone, i’m not sure if its my mom or my uncle because she says that she doesn’t remember saying this, so.. someone told me that the butterfly’s wings are so fragile that if you touched it, you will leave behind a hole on its wing and the colour will stick on you. For some reason this is a very scary idea for me. If you need to know why, let me tell you, it makes extreme sense to me. How do i elaborate, if i did it would reveal my true nature. I will feel naked, to myself if i told you what sense it makes to me.  Nevertheless, i assure you, sense keeps changing, and so there is no reason why i should believe the sense it just made to me.

This is something i feel ashamed to say, i don’t think butterflies are beautiful.   I’ll tell you why i feel ashamed. I am a photographer, the only reason i started doing photography is because i believe in beauty. I believe in harmony, i believe that when everything is in harmony, it is beautiful. The problem with the butterfly is that its colours or patterns on its wings are not even. I mean its like a fractal art rip-off.  Its too uncoordinated, its harsh and the dark spots. God, those are eyes, i used to think that that was the eye of a butterfly. But, later i found out that the actual creature is somewhere in between these giant scary wings.

I have a lot of stories to tell about how embarrassed i’ve felt at the sight of a butterfly. I don’t want to run through it, but in short they are all extremely embarrassing situations. If you need to know, i wouldn’t care what i have to do, in order to escape a butterfly. Be it jumping of a building or running on thorns. In that immediate position, my brain will quickly calculate the easiest way out and i will run for my life. Even if i were sitting in a coffee shop or relaxing and if i notice a butterfly far away in my sight. I will not be able to look at anything else, except be aware of which direction the next wind would take it. For some reason, when i care so much about it, and when i pray to god, asking him to take it away, it will always come closer to me.

Its like, i feel negative. I feel that my mind always wishes for what i don’t want.  Does that make sense?

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Trust

Death is part of life and living. In fact death, completes life. Death makes our life valuable. We live in an ever changing world as emotionally attached souls. We believe we are meant to be here and we work hard towards our goals. This world makes us believe we are purposeless if we are not playing an important role.  Reasons are plenty to be put down in this world, where all that we are meant to be, is loyal to our soul.

Only when a person dies, do we really notice the strangeness of his existence. Until then, we are busy worried about many things that concern ourselves and our own lives. Only when a person dies, do we realize, there is absolutely NOTHING we can do, to be with them again. Nothing hits us like death. When we know someone close to our heart is gone and will never return again.

My friend’s father died. Its been so many years since i met him or my friend. When i got a call from my classmate who informed me about the death of an uncle, i thought i would not go to his funeral. After all, i had transformed into a stone. Water cannot penetrate through a stone, but strangely, it did.

There was a part of me who was astounded at this news. I loved him for a reason i cannot understand. I began to feel guilty for not having seen him all along. I realized if i don’t see him now, i will never see him again. I was pushed out of my bed and before i knew, i was running to say goodbye.

On my way back to this old place, many memories were flashing in front of my eyes. Memories of a man who we were very fond of. When he had a choice to do something in this world, for some reason he chose to make us smile. He would always do every little thing to make us all happy, to makes us feel together. He never saw a difference between his daughter and us. He treated us all alike, we were happy to be around him.

I reached their house. I saw the most liveliest man, life-less inside a coffin box, his feet tied together with a piece of cloth, with a faint smile on his face. I’ve always known that smile. My heart began to feel heavy, there were tears in my eyes. I could hear his voice in my head. His jokes and smiles. How strange is life? Its been so many years and yet, these memories are fresh on my mind.

My friend has always been a strong girl. I’ve respected her mother because she always seemed serious, i was secretly scared of her because of all the seriousness. She was still serious, but in a state of mind only she could understand. I wanted to touch her feet, there was no reason to it, i just wanted to.

I could understand what was going on. She has lost her soul-mate. She was as life-less as him, only, she was still conscious. Her eyes were moving. They were moving towards me. She said something that i couldn’t understand. I leaned forward to hear her better and i heard her say, “He always asked about you. He wanted to see you.” What could i say? I cried.

I knew the truth. The truth behind my hiding and running away from friends and family. I was emotionally closed to this world. I had locked myself in a glass box and never wanted to get out of there. I wanted to make it big in a fancy world. I wanted to become a Director and come back out and meet them all.

When i was young, Xavier uncle encouraged me in my photography. He was proud of me. He was my favorite father. He loved me in a way i was meant to be loved, and i loved him back too. But i wanted to make it big in this hopeless world. By the end of this unknown goodbye, i realized i was wrong. How can i apologize to him now that he is gone? How can i make him smile? How can i ever talk to him again, tell him all my jokes and all. It is never going to happen, it was all just a dream. I am a dreamer, and i have let life pass me by.

I met my best friends there at his funeral house. Faces i had imprinted in my heart. The five of us ended up in the kitchen, which officially is our place of worship. We stayed in there for a while. Its been seven years since we met, and all that we could think was, how much he wanted us to be together. He always said it. “Always stay together, Take care of Jennifer” We the stone hearted five, were still hanging out in the kitchen talking about life. We never took care of Jennifer, we always left her behind. It was harshly strange, that it was her father’s death that reunited us again.

By the end of it all, aunty said her prayers, it was more of a goodbye to her husband. She said “He has always taken care of me like a child, no other woman would ever find a husband like him. His body lies here, he lives in my heart.” She thanked him with all her heart and all that words could express. It was the most beautiful goodbye ever. We cried. We cried all that we can. I touched his feet to say goodbye. I wished he was alive.

They changed aunty’s clothes, they put slippers onto her feet. She neither hesitated to participate, nor was part of it. She was lost somewhere within herself. We were hanging by the gate, as we watched them leave. It was as though aunty was returning to reality. Jennifer was so kind hearted, even at this stage, she was making people feel comfortable. My heart was guilty of love untold and unexpressed. I returned back to my childhood when it was easy to laugh and smile. When it was easy to trust people and love them the way they were.

I used to trust people blindly. There was never a reason to trust anyone. I blindly trusted them because i wanted to. Jennifer and her father trusted us like that and we trusted them back too. That is why our relationship was special. This is what i could not follow or understand, anymore. Life had taken me through unsustainable turns, and along the way i had lost faith in people. I had lost the trust i had. This goodbye, reminded me that there are still people in this world, who are worthy to be trusted and loved. This world is still a beautiful place and happiness changes it all.

Xavier uncle’s death enlightened me, it opened my heart again. A place that has been shut down for many years. My face was frozen with hatred and anger. There was nothing more that could bring back love into my heart. Today, my heart is filled with love, and i will not hesitate to express it. Nothing is worth not being happy. This world is a happy place and it always should be. Xavier uncle brought back light into my heart, and unfortunately, all that i can do is remember him by.