Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

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Choose your friends wisely.

I have never chosen anything wisely in my life, let alone choosing friends. When i was young.. I liked people who were rich and clean. And that’s how I chose the best friends of my childhood. They are all scattered around the city and some settled abroad with kids and some occupied with work. After my boyfriend broke up with me, I tried so hard to find my friends inside these people, but they were all changed. Perhaps, so had I.

I think it is foolish to keep looking for things in the wrong places. I have lived a few years without friends. It has been tough, which is why I realize that I need friends. So here is a check list I am making for friends in my life.

First of all, I must start adding girlfriends into my life because girls are necessary for girls. Just like how boys are necessary for boys. You need a girlfriend to share your girl problems with. Guys don’t always listen.. Second, it should be a girl who is decent, stylish and modern at the same time. Third, she has to be young because i am sick of older women friends.

And last but not the least, she must like me. I am also sick of having a million friends since childhood, whom I like. It will be an interesting transformation for me and for my life, to have some one who would like me rather than me being absolutely in love with them.

So.. That’s about it. It was an interesting check list to make. My tough life is about to begin and I am going to watch how things unfold.

Wish me luck.
Mk. 💕