Fear of Butterflies

butterfly hairclip

I was six or younger, may be even older, i don’t remember my age as much my memories. We were living in Chennai, the place i grew up. There used to be an annual trade fair that happened at the YMCA palace grounds. One particular year my brother, Its funny how i associate this brother as the root cause of my non-understanding of relationships and the fear of butterflies. This brother isn’t my real brother. He is a family friend. Anyway. He put up a stall at the trade fair. He sold paper butterflies.  It had a sort of mechanism, made of rubber band. If you wind the rubber band and let it go the big huge butterfly would fly so far away with a rattling plastic paper noise.   I was his assistant for this project. My job was to go pick up the butterflies and bring it back to the stall, every time he wound it to demonstrate.

This is my first memory that i associate with the fear of butterflies.

My question is, if i was scared of butterflies before this incident then there was no way i agreed to work with him on this project. I don’t remember exactly since when i’ve been scared of it, because if i knew then i would know what the reason is. This fear isn’t small or simple or as many people have told me, Irrational. I understand that it is an irrational fear, but nevertheless it is true, to me. I can tell you  what scares me in a butterfly. You may try to make some sense out if it and it might help me understand this so called, irrational fear.

I don’t remember who told me this, but i think its my mom. We were younger and we were discussing something in our old house, when someone, i’m not sure if its my mom or my uncle because she says that she doesn’t remember saying this, so.. someone told me that the butterfly’s wings are so fragile that if you touched it, you will leave behind a hole on its wing and the colour will stick on you. For some reason this is a very scary idea for me. If you need to know why, let me tell you, it makes extreme sense to me. How do i elaborate, if i did it would reveal my true nature. I will feel naked, to myself if i told you what sense it makes to me.  Nevertheless, i assure you, sense keeps changing, and so there is no reason why i should believe the sense it just made to me.

This is something i feel ashamed to say, i don’t think butterflies are beautiful.   I’ll tell you why i feel ashamed. I am a photographer, the only reason i started doing photography is because i believe in beauty. I believe in harmony, i believe that when everything is in harmony, it is beautiful. The problem with the butterfly is that its colours or patterns on its wings are not even. I mean its like a fractal art rip-off.  Its too uncoordinated, its harsh and the dark spots. God, those are eyes, i used to think that that was the eye of a butterfly. But, later i found out that the actual creature is somewhere in between these giant scary wings.

I have a lot of stories to tell about how embarrassed i’ve felt at the sight of a butterfly. I don’t want to run through it, but in short they are all extremely embarrassing situations. If you need to know, i wouldn’t care what i have to do, in order to escape a butterfly. Be it jumping of a building or running on thorns. In that immediate position, my brain will quickly calculate the easiest way out and i will run for my life. Even if i were sitting in a coffee shop or relaxing and if i notice a butterfly far away in my sight. I will not be able to look at anything else, except be aware of which direction the next wind would take it. For some reason, when i care so much about it, and when i pray to god, asking him to take it away, it will always come closer to me.

Its like, i feel negative. I feel that my mind always wishes for what i don’t want.  Does that make sense?




I was watching the movie Rango sometime ago, there was something very unique about the film. Sense depends on what you think. I’ve probably been thinking a lot about conversations and the effect a conversation has on a person, because i noticed that the movie rango was all about a scared willy sheriff who takes control of a dirt mob by doing nothing but speaking in a language they listen to. When i say listen i mean the kind when you not only hear what you’re being told but you do what you’re being told.

So, i’ve been thinking or rather been lost in wonder trying to understand the nature of that language. What is the secret that we need to know about it? What is the language that has the magical power to mesmerize the busiest mind and to make the most stubborn person do what you want him to do. What does taking control have anything to do with language?

Human beings think. We think in words. We think in images. Most importantly we think to understand. Understanding or to make sense is mans everyday task. Its his every minute task. Its a task so important that every single task that he needs to do, depends on his ability to make sense. He makes sense of what is going on around him, he makes sense of what is going on within him, and only then he realizes what he must do in order to be part of this world.

Now the secret of this unapproachable part of his mind is his raging need to do something. To keep himself occupied, to not be controlled by his instincts. He has to do something in this world in order to survive, to live, even to think freely and what he does depends on his motive. The motive is different for each of us. For some people its money, for some people its family, it could be love, it could be sex… acceptance, fame, future, cars, bikes, to win, to feel secure, to change, to find something new, to buy, to spend, to feel free… The amount of motives that exist in the overall spread of people is in-numerous.

Each person’s mind is different, each person’s desire is different. Each person’s will and wants are different. But there is something very common amongst all of us. It is the need to do something, as we all have time and most of us are aimless. We don’t know what to do, we don’t know where to head, we don’t how to change our lives, but we all want to. Now, some people may be immensely satisfied with their lives, even they have to do something in order to satisfy the chaos within their mind. The oldest of the old, and weakest of the weak also has this need. All they need is a little motivation, a pat on their back, a pat of wisdom. A dream for the future. An aim, a pathway. Somewhere to go. If they are told what they need to do, and if they do Where they will go, and if that place is part of their motive, then we all follow like a dirt mob. This is the secret we need to know.

We are all lazy people, we cannot think on our own. We may have dreams, but we cannot be sure if its possible. We believe in what people say, we have an attitude that feels like, if it is told it is true. We are all believers, we believe in what we see, what we hear and only what we know. We cannot take that leap of faith on our own, unless we have some friends to die along with. We are social. Its not our fault. We look up for leaders, leaders who will take the responsibility to be blamed when the plan does not work out.

Great leaders like hitler or gandhi or anyone who was able to achieve the love of the world by being a leader were all motivational speakers. The secret language of control is motivation.


WHen you’re told you can do something, and if this is something that you want to do, then you begin to think.. Can i really do it? hm.. and if this leader tells you this is what you need to be able to achieve this… then you secretly begin to wonder… do i have this? oh god… i don’t have that.. but if i do this, then i can have that.. great.. my checklist is over.. i got it all.. now i can do that something that i never thought i could.. So cool, i love my leader. I love him so much i will give my life for him, after all, he made me understand my true potential. Believe me, if you’ve had a leader you love, think for a while please.. Think and let me know why you love him so much. DO you really love him or do you love what he does for you?

There is a leader within you. It is your job to realize that you are your own leader, and to speak to yourself and motivate. When you do, you will watch yourself grow, to the optimum level you promised you will be, and then.. and then what, you’ve already sailed to the other side. Its just about time for a new dream.



Like all mankind, i have a need to speak. To speak out in the open and to be heard. I shut myself from talking to people because i did not understand what was going on. What was going on in the world. In the world outside of me. I don’t remember when the last time was when i forgot to notice the world. I keep getting confused between the world i live in to the world we share. I feel happy to be clear that there are two worlds that exist, and to be able to say that i know the difference.

I’ve been looking outside my window for as long as i remember, I’ve been looking outside for what i cannot find within. So what is it? I asked myself. Is it a person, or a space, or some love? Is love the beginning of happiness? If so when will i find it? I don’t have time anymore. I can’t tell u where i lost it. But i can tell you that i chose to leave it. I chose to leave it behind and walk away.

I walked out of time. Will u believe me if i said its possible. Will you believe me if i said how. I left time in a place i remember and walked away. A place that was owned by someone else. I took time to realize what i had done to my life, because it was a complicated achievement. To leave behind time, to think of it as a person and to believe and accept that love wasn’t real. I’m not proud of my achievement. It was the beginning of my disastrous life. I’ve been confused from ever since. It took time to obtain clarity in what i was doing, and to understand what exactly i had done to my life. It took about three years.

Three years later here i am, in a place where no one can see. By no one i mean there is someone beyond my reach. But this post isn’t about time, it isn’t about how i lost myself but it’s about anger. It’s about the role anger plays in people’s lives.

What is anger? Its nothing but an emotion. Of all explainable emotions anger is the one that has the most destructive power when in control. To understand anger, we must first explore the role of emotions in our life. Emotion is the state of existence. We must all speak to live. It’s a need. Its a need for mankind to speak and to believe in what he does. To believe in the world we share. To believe in his life, his surroundings, his relationships, his people, himself, his very existence in this world as a person with a name and a life.

We speak because we cannot realize what we think. When we think out loudly we don’t realize that we are changing from one state of emotion to another. This change depends on what happens around you, to you and within you. It depends on what happens to your life. It depends on who you speak to, and what they mean to you. Emotions control your life. It controls the way you speak, what you think, and therefore, takes you forward into the future, it creates your life. It is a known saying that You create your life, but it must be changed to, what you speak changes your life.

If something you expect happens to your life, you feel happy, you feel excited, you walk around the world, jumping with joy, you sing, you rejoice the feeling that you are contained with. If something that you don’t expect happens, and in particular if it is something that you cannot accept, then you feel angry. The emotion always takes control. It determines your action. It determines your word. It determines what you do in reality. You lose control. Most insane people are angry and all angry people are insane. I’ve always known that i was insane. It’s probably because I’ve always been angry. Can you imagine 20 years or more of anger. Where did it rise from? What is the reason behind all that anger that is still left within.

I need to explore more. I need to know more, about myself. About my secrets. About the truth hidden behind a name. I will keep writing. As u know, so will i. Keep you posted.