The most beautiful things in the world aren’t really things at all.

I remember this line from the movie american beauty. We watched that movie at my sister’s friends place. It was one of those really fun times. My sister’s friend had working parents. In India it meant freedom. Meaning there is no way in the world the parents would come back, between 9 AM and 5 PM. There would be home cooked food and my sisters friend would invite her boy-friends. So as curious as we were, my sister used to take me along during holidays because she was afraid of the idea of men and being together in a house.

We would watch movies, listen to songs, eat lunch, spend time. I honestly had no clue about what was going on between the older people but i can be sure that they were a decent bunch.

Anyway, that is where i first saw the movie american beauty. It was quite a sensational film at that time, even in america, i heard. Anyway, In that movie the hero asks the girl if she wants to see the most beautiful thing he has ever filmed?

The hero is a lonely filmer. He makes videos of random things he sees and has a cassette collection in his shelf. So the girl agrees to see and he shows her a video of a plastic bag on the road. You can find that scene here.

I have never understood this scene and therefore it has never left my mind. The things that haunt you, haunt you because you have not understood it yet. Once you understand something, the mind changes. It starts to look for more meaningful things. It grows. The mind grows like a plant, leaf after leaf it spurts its opinion from inside of you, and thus, creating you.

I feel a lot of pain in my heart. I wonder if that’s how real pain begins. The kind that leads to heart attacks and everything. Anyway. This pain is caused by love, betrayal and rejection. Its rejection mainly. In simple words, its the lack of attention from the people i love. Yes I am 27 years old and i still need attention. This probably is a reminder for myself to look into my needs.

I’ve been thinking a lot about money and the i feel comforted by the idea of working hard in order to live the kind of life i want. I like the idea of working. I like the idea of coming up in life but I wonder if i had leaned more towards the idea of money and forgotten to love.

It happens very easily, when life gets serious, its easy to feel stressed and not realize what you are feeling. What is life really?

Life is a gift. Life is magic. Life is the only precious thing there can ever be in this world. It is very easy to forget this and to find ourselves blended with the problems. Problems like what to do, what to wear, what to eat, how to look pretty, do they like me, do they hate me, why aren’t they happy, why are they famous, when will i ever get my break, why is life so difficult.. breathe.

The answer to all of those problems are in a single line, They are not real.

Because the truth is god is always helping us. If you have a problem, solve it. If you cant find a solution, pray to god for a solution and it will come up. If you are feeling too happy, thank god. If you are feeling too sad, experience it.

Don’t forget to pray for change. God answers prayers.

Last night i was too sad, i couldnt sleep. I couldn’t pray either because i had no idea what i was doing. So i went to my balcony and sat there. It had rained in the afternoon, and all evening, and there was some water on the concrete railing. Inside that water, i could see the reflection of a street light. I focussed my eyes like a camera and the street light was so clear that it looked like a painting. I moved forward and backward, and from left to right. The street light moved along with me. I could also see the reflection of the light on the highlights of the water. They were like small yellow dots as they were out of focus. It was beautiful. It reminded me that life is that extraordinary painting that we are meant to see and admire.

I realized how i had forgotten all about it, ever since i started worrying about my age and marriage. My parents think im too old to get married at 27. and i feel that im just as young as ever. After all 27 is just a number. And numbers don’t mean anything.

Sure, i still believe in age, because it means i have had a life for 27 years, and i have met so many people, i have had so many painful relationships and I’m still afraid of butterflies. But i also believe that life is magical, but i don’t know if love is real.

Oh mahananda Maye. Shree Krishna, the merciful. Please love me. As i am your child.

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Trippy Morning.

Weird Memories.

This is and will always be a stark memory. We were sitting by the infamous generator room of a coffee shop in the heart of the city and we were happy. Which never happens with me because I’m perennially sad. Moving on.

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One strange day while i was sitting alone and waiting for this stranger/best friend, he arrived with a foot ball in his hand. For a 29 year old it was weird to hang out with a foot ball i thought. Anyway that day, unlike all the other days, i had a camera in my hand and we ended up taking selfies of each other (the word had not-yet been invented).

Now that we broke up, every time i look at those pictures, i realize that those were the only few pictures i have of us together and i feel a weird kind of sad. The kind when i don’t know that i’m happy. I feel so burdened when i realize our friendship. I feel the need to write this down because its hard to remember that story.

Our relationship was like a motor-cycle ride. A really long motorcycle ride. Say you had to travel from goa to chennai on a bike and you were out of cash and all you had was fuel and an olden-type motorcycle that is a lion by the winds of the sun.

I’m going to tell you a story now. We started our journey thinking that it would be extraordinary, but inside his heart he was afraid, because he had no idea how this ride was going to be, and i was just excited because i was with him.

He rolled his bike into the highway, the wind and the dry heat were slowly making its presence felt, the sun was scorching my back and a few miles later our engine seized. We were abused by the on-going traffic, he was confused and we hadn’t a clue about what was going on.

God bless his strong mind i thought but i was still pissed off because all that i wanted to do was relax. I would have preferred staying at goa itself. Anyway, he fixed the bike and we were out rolling on fire and on the last day it began to rain and he rode like he didn’t care.

The ride went on for three days, it rained every two hours, and occasionally the sun came out and tanned my skin. I did not even know that bike-rides had pit-stops. 

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Love is unexplainable. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand it and i now realize that love is a conversation. Its an endless conversation between two people, two minds, that truly care for each other. 

Is it a sin to move on? Because as long as we were together i had no such emotional feelings towards him and i only felt insecure around him and suddenly when i know that he is gone i miss him. I also have questions like, there are one million people in this city and we need not have met at all but we did and now its over, what was all that time supposed to mean?

Was it a lesson? Or was it something that i created for myself? Did i want him to leave me and go? If i wanted all of this to happen, then why does it hurt?

I have almost forgotten him. When i see him somewhere, i feel scared. I don’t know why. It brings me back to that age-old thought about love. Cant live with someone and cant live without.

Sometimes i think feelings are the same for all of us, especially when we’re in love. I think, i feel so far away from him that seeing him makes me realize how close we really are. Is it possible that he knows how i feel? Or is he just wandering about aimlessly without a care in the world about what I’m thinking. I really think i should just forget him and move on, but in my heart i know all our struggles were for each other and for one purpose. Why would i want to hurt or destroy something so pure?

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