Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

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The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.

Cheers,
Mk.

Learn to be happy alone.

I am not like that. I cannot be alone for even a short period of time. I get lonely. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Its okay to be alone but its never ok to feel lonely. Loneliness can make you feel unwanted, it can give you depression. It may even take you to a place from where you may never want to return again.

Sometimes I find it impossible to say the words inside my mind. I have more conversations inside my mind than I ever do in reality. How did this even begin? Where did i get lost? Why am I struggling to get back to being normal? Being normal, how do people define that?

I don’t feel normal at times. I feel like I live in a different world. A world in a higher reality. Is that bad? It does give me a superiority complex. Its funny because i normally suffer from an inferiority complex. Am I looking for a balance between these two states of mind? I really don’t know what I am going through.

I feel lonely because i know that there is no one else other than me, in my higher reality. People are having fun living in the real world while I have been living alone for a long time. It was all fun till I was 25. I don’t mean to regret. I had the best times doing what I did but you have to change your habits if you are looking for a transformation. Transformations don’t happen on their own. You make them happen. You struggle for it. You fight for it, even when no one understands what you are going through. You may even lose your closest friends when you make these changes.

Its amazing how much time you have in your hand when you get organized. Its also amazing how much work I still have, to do. Its more tiring than amazing at this point. I don’t want to complain but i don’t know what else to do. Do I like this life? Do I enjoy it? I am not sure if i do but I know I want to. I want to like the life I am creating for myself. I want to enjoy the peace, after all that’s why all this began.

I guess it helps to listen to the world sometimes. I calm down to listen, to feel, to understand, because otherwise I am so busy I don’t have the time to do any of this.

Wakemeupstory: There was once a boy who smelt a rose and couldn’t stop till he found it. But in the end he could never find that rose because it never existed.

The thing that I am doing is a little bit like that rose story. The things i run behind like success and money, they are not real. They are only things i need to have a more happy and comfortable life. They are not always necessary. Its important to know your goals. Its important to understand what you want. You need to have a vision if you want to lead your life. You have to know what you really want. Otherwise you are simply running behind something for no reason.

My childhood friend once said that she will become an actress when she grows up. I still remember that moment. We were in her room and she was confident and sure about her future. She said that an astrologer whom her mother meets regularly has told that she will become an actress when she grows up. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I remember always thinking that i wish I was her. It was at that moment that I wondered if I would ever get a chance to become an actress like her.

No. I could never act. I am a ridiculous actor but my desire is still alive. I am trying to become a director. Its been nothing less of hard work and I am not sure about what is going on with my body anymore. I am worried. My hair is a mess, my skin is patchy and dark, thankfully, my exercise routine is ok. So at least my body is in control. I am tired and for heavens sake, I feel old. What I really want at this point is to be kind and beautiful towards everyone I love. I want to be happy. I want people in my life. People to love and care about.

I feel miserable knowing that I have been using my body and killing its desires to fulfill the dreams of my own.

Sadly,
Mk.