Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  


More in detail about my ritual of self image

Self image is an idea about yourself. About who you think you are, who you want to be and your choices with regard to that. My confusion is here, written in bold. Do i have to choose something because it suits me or do I have to choose something because I like it. My priority is simple. I want to be beautiful, and for that I realize that im going to have to be decent. I respect my self, my age, and as the age old saying goes, we are not growing any younger. Agreed! So its time to make changes, time to choose wisely. Time to understand who you are and what you want to do.

I’ve been thinking that decency suits me. Decency in a sense of fashion, style and art. According to me decency is a fabulous choice. To clear the pain off my mind I need to understand why I am attracted to junkies, hippies or rebellious attitudes towards life. Well, first of all because its beautiful. Hippies and junkies do what they do and they are still stylish and sexy. So why cant i be like them? You can, but first you need to be yourself.

Somewhere deep down inside my heart I am still missing khaleel. My life has entirely changed and still however i don’t feel the time that is passing by. Perhaps because i am still in love with him. I also feel sorry for him because i know i will be happy and i wish he was around to feel the same. I have definitely wavered off topic but i just want to let myself know that he is happy and that is the only reason he has moved on. Why is that so difficult to understand? Because i still wonder if he loves me. !!!

I hate that he thought i am absolutely zero percent creative. I think he believes that only creative people or hippie cultured women are beautiful. I think they are sexy and to the contrary, that i am beautiful. To me that’s all that matters.

This is my life, I am simple and decent. These are my life choices. The things I want to do are films, social and animal service, take care and make a lovely family. This is my life and I am going to build myself slowly and steadily. My choices are clear, my self-image is created. In case I ever get lost or feel confused I can always come back and read this again. Writing is a culture that I totally embrace. ✌ I hope you all realize why it is important to have a self image, because that is your guideline to informed choices. Choose wisely as it gives freedom to your soul and lets you wander without a worry in the world.

So to answer that question, do i have to choose what suits me or choose what i like. I am like vicki from irobot, my logic is undeniable. So my answer is simple, Change your likes, always like what is good because being good suits you. 😁

Have a nice evening.
Work hard, play well.
Cheers. 🍻

Learn to let go..

When I was young I used to hold on to my mothers hair while going to sleep but it became inconvenient for her so one night she asked me to hold on to her saree. That feeling knowing that she was somewhere close by would make me feel so secure and protected from all the monsters in the world. 😊

When I started to sleep alone I used to bring both my hands together, pray to god and I would refuse to let go of my hands because I thought as long as my hands were together in prayer, god will save me from any kind of monster. I still do that sometimes. 😁

No matter how old you get there are a few things that will always scare you. Falling of a roof, ghosts, heart attacks, getting hurt, being heart broken, rejection, failures and last but not the least, butterflies. 😣

Ever since I started a journey in direction, I have been learning a lot. The monsters in my mind are no longer simple structures like ghosts but its more complicated stuff about life. The feeling that I am from a middle class family makes me sad. So I want to work hard to become successful and when its at stake I feel afraid.

I make plans. I make plans for the future and for my work but plans don’t always work and sometimes I am afraid of that.

When my plan is rejected I feel bummed with sadness. But now that has changed. A lot of that has changed. I know that if something doesn’t work out, I can always think of something new. I never knew that before. I also realize that its good to follow other people’s plans and ideas if its acceptable. As long as I know that im gonna be okay Life remains a joyous ride and its so awesome when I see myself smile. 😊

So… it is sometimes hard to let go of your ideas and this isn’t only about work, this equation can be applied with relationships as well. If something doesn’t work out you have to think of something new because one of the most important things to do in life is to keep on moving forward.

Mk. 💪

The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.


This thought about life and death.

A lot of people would not be interested in having this talk. The talk about death. I don’t know why, I think people are so engrossed in their life that they don’t want to think about death. May be because they are afraid, may be because they think it is not going to happen anytime soon, so why think about it?

This thought in my mind about death, started with the movie fight club. Its one of the many movies that I have enjoyed, loved and thought was delicious; soul satisfying. A part of that movie touched my soul, it reached to the inside of my subconscious mind and told me that if you want to live fearlessly, you’re going to have to know that one day you are going to die. When i heard that line, i thought it was probably true, and that was it. I still wonder if its important to know that one day i am going to die.

“Fearlessly” to me means “without being afraid of butterflies”. Because I have overcome many fears, fear of life, darkness, height, but its this fear, the fear of butterflies, that I really want to overcome because its irrational. I want to know why i am afraid of it.

So, this is crazy, i wonder, if i realize that I am going to die one day, then may be i wont be afraid of butterflies anymore. Perhaps i can see how beautiful these creatures are instead of being afraid of them. I saw one today, it was really gorgeous, it was small, and it was exactly like a paper flying in the wind but it had life. It was beautiful, I thought. Ps: I am seeing a doctor, asap, with regard to my fear.

So once again about death. My friend died, he killed himself. Life is so hard, its easier to die than to struggle, perhaps that’s what he thought before taking such a crazy decision. I don’t agree. I wish I had called him at least once in these 6 months, to check on how he is doing. Not that I could have made a difference to his life, but I just wish I had done that.

Life is hard, i agree. Each person with their own fight but I think that’s what is awesome about life. Anyway, its just weird knowing how different people think differently.

There is more to life my dear, did it not strike you that there is so much more to do? How could you put an end to what you didn’t begin?

What did he think? He was just smart enough to escape old age? I still think it was one of the most stupid decisions he has ever made. God helps those who help themselves. You have to work hard to make a life for yourself. Its not easy, but its not difficult either. My father says life is pre written. Things happen the way it does because that’s how its meant to be. God creates your destiny even before you step feet into this world. I wonder if its true.

Love you a lot chandroo, i will always miss you now.


Life unfolds like a story, revealing every character for who they are, slowly and steadily life does its job. I have asked a friend this question, many times, what do you think of life and he always laughed thinking I was funny, perhaps.

I was just watching a video about swathi, the girl who was murdered in the railway station and i was wondering what significance swathi’s life has in the bigger picture.

There is “always” a bigger picture. One that we are not aware of. I call it history and i suppose that is the truth. I recently saw a picture on 9gag that says Andromeda galaxy is going to collide with milky way galaxy one day. Believe me, one day we are all going to die. It is a little bit strange to say so but its true and i am not going to live my life hoping in a forever.

I am not going to exist one day. One day I will no longer be able to think for myself. One day, I will no longer own my body, I will not be able to see, smell or hear everything that I love in this world. There may not be anymore meaning left to decipher and in fact there will be no more world to look for a meaning. 😔

This brings me back to that thought about stories. How does one create stories? How does one give meaning to a situation? How does meaning arrive or come into existence? In Bhagavad Gita, it is told that there is a way to understand Krishna but you cannot do so by using the power of your imagination. Those were the words, but the word I am looking for over here is Imagination. Imagination is my little craziness, the fun that lies within every mind.

So I was wondering if swathis death was probably the most significant part of her life because it became a news. I wondered if she had to die for us, people, to understand that we must learn to help people when they are in danger. But it feels wrongs even as these words come out of my mouth.

No one’s death should be the most significant part of their life. Everyone’s life is important. Everybody has people in their lives who cares about them, who love them and people they want to care about and love. Above all, everyone has a story in their mind about themselves, where they are warriors, and heroes, and saviours to their soul. Everyone is important. Every single life is unique. Life, I think is a magical journey through heaven and hell and our job is to make the best out of it. Tomorrow when you wake up, something new is going to come into your board. You are going to think of a new idea. You are going to wake up and continue where you left off. I only have one thing to say tonight. Life is very short.

Even then, if life had to be compared to a story, it would not do justice. Because there are so many moments in life, exciting ones, slow ones, fast ones, painful ones, beautiful ones. So therefore, I’d like to change my idea that life is a story, and rather create a new one, that stories can be created from life and Not just my own. .


there is so much left unsaid… !!?

I was listening to a charles bukowski video 📼, in which he had said very clearly that if writing doesn’t come to you, don’t write. I wondered to myself if I was wrong to choose writing as a career. I don’t know, may be its not meant for me because I find it difficult to sit and transfer my thoughts into reality.

I find it difficult to stay calm and accomplish my writing goals. Its probably because I am attempting to write screenplays. I don’t know if i am fit enough to become a good writer but i truly enjoy writing while I am at it.

Because its straight from my heart. If i didn’t want to write i would think about these thoughts in my mind. I would find a comfortable position to sit and i would form each word for every thought inside my mind and smile to myself.

I’m looking for a word that means more than extraordinary. I think I have found it. “powerful”.. How powerful is a mind to draw the attention of all. A mind is all there is.

I was thinking about the life source inside our body. The soul. I have wondered very little about life after death. There is a small hope created in my mind by the Bhagavad Gita. As the Gita has promised me there is a possibility to be eternally free after death, to join the supreme consciousness of god. All I need to do is say the hare Krishna mantra. But perhaps, I need to know what it means.

My mother once told me that when a person dies they either piss, shit or vomit or there would be a spill of some bodily fluid from one of the many holes in a human body. She had proven it with a sub-story which she truly believed was true. I believed her too. Until now, because now I’m starting to feel that the soul can never be separated from the body.

There is only a conscience, in a place non-existant which we all call the mind. I am pretty sure that plants have a mind of their own. All animals have a conscience and through the years i have understood this.

I believe that when a person dies their consciousness seizes to exist. They can no longer perceive the world with any of their senses. They can no longer think.

The mind is a reflection of what exists. I simply reflect myself with words everytime i write or think. Man is an extraordinary being to have invented language and civilization. Man kind is extraordinary. I am a mind trapped inside a human body. I will always be.

The mind is a beautiful place to live. I feel courageous everytime i say things like these because i realize that it explains my surreal life.

I talk to animals and watch lizards eat rice. I can feel a divine connection with the world. Yes, I still have worldly desires. I want to be married and I want to do something in cinema.

My life is my biggest problem. I am on a journey to find the ultimate solution. Happiness must be the ultimate solution for life.. 😍

No matter how painful life seems. Remember to feel good. Remember to be true to yourself. I need a constant reminder to express my feelings because sometimes I just don’t realize it.

Searching deeply for love,