Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  


Choose your friends wisely.

I have never chosen anything wisely in my life, let alone choosing friends. When i was young.. I liked people who were rich and clean. And that’s how I chose the best friends of my childhood. They are all scattered around the city and some settled abroad with kids and some occupied with work. After my boyfriend broke up with me, I tried so hard to find my friends inside these people, but they were all changed. Perhaps, so had I.

I think it is foolish to keep looking for things in the wrong places. I have lived a few years without friends. It has been tough, which is why I realize that I need friends. So here is a check list I am making for friends in my life.

First of all, I must start adding girlfriends into my life because girls are necessary for girls. Just like how boys are necessary for boys. You need a girlfriend to share your girl problems with. Guys don’t always listen.. Second, it should be a girl who is decent, stylish and modern at the same time. Third, she has to be young because i am sick of older women friends.

And last but not the least, she must like me. I am also sick of having a million friends since childhood, whom I like. It will be an interesting transformation for me and for my life, to have some one who would like me rather than me being absolutely in love with them.

So.. That’s about it. It was an interesting check list to make. My tough life is about to begin and I am going to watch how things unfold.

Wish me luck.
Mk. 💕

This thought about life and death.

A lot of people would not be interested in having this talk. The talk about death. I don’t know why, I think people are so engrossed in their life that they don’t want to think about death. May be because they are afraid, may be because they think it is not going to happen anytime soon, so why think about it?

This thought in my mind about death, started with the movie fight club. Its one of the many movies that I have enjoyed, loved and thought was delicious; soul satisfying. A part of that movie touched my soul, it reached to the inside of my subconscious mind and told me that if you want to live fearlessly, you’re going to have to know that one day you are going to die. When i heard that line, i thought it was probably true, and that was it. I still wonder if its important to know that one day i am going to die.

“Fearlessly” to me means “without being afraid of butterflies”. Because I have overcome many fears, fear of life, darkness, height, but its this fear, the fear of butterflies, that I really want to overcome because its irrational. I want to know why i am afraid of it.

So, this is crazy, i wonder, if i realize that I am going to die one day, then may be i wont be afraid of butterflies anymore. Perhaps i can see how beautiful these creatures are instead of being afraid of them. I saw one today, it was really gorgeous, it was small, and it was exactly like a paper flying in the wind but it had life. It was beautiful, I thought. Ps: I am seeing a doctor, asap, with regard to my fear.

So once again about death. My friend died, he killed himself. Life is so hard, its easier to die than to struggle, perhaps that’s what he thought before taking such a crazy decision. I don’t agree. I wish I had called him at least once in these 6 months, to check on how he is doing. Not that I could have made a difference to his life, but I just wish I had done that.

Life is hard, i agree. Each person with their own fight but I think that’s what is awesome about life. Anyway, its just weird knowing how different people think differently.

There is more to life my dear, did it not strike you that there is so much more to do? How could you put an end to what you didn’t begin?

What did he think? He was just smart enough to escape old age? I still think it was one of the most stupid decisions he has ever made. God helps those who help themselves. You have to work hard to make a life for yourself. Its not easy, but its not difficult either. My father says life is pre written. Things happen the way it does because that’s how its meant to be. God creates your destiny even before you step feet into this world. I wonder if its true.

Love you a lot chandroo, i will always miss you now.


Death is part of life and living. In fact death, completes life. Death makes our life valuable. We live in an ever changing world as emotionally attached souls. We believe we are meant to be here and we work hard towards our goals. This world makes us believe we are purposeless if we are not playing an important role.  Reasons are plenty to be put down in this world, where all that we are meant to be, is loyal to our soul.

Only when a person dies, do we really notice the strangeness of his existence. Until then, we are busy worried about many things that concern ourselves and our own lives. Only when a person dies, do we realize, there is absolutely NOTHING we can do, to be with them again. Nothing hits us like death. When we know someone close to our heart is gone and will never return again.

My friend’s father died. Its been so many years since i met him or my friend. When i got a call from my classmate who informed me about the death of an uncle, i thought i would not go to his funeral. After all, i had transformed into a stone. Water cannot penetrate through a stone, but strangely, it did.

There was a part of me who was astounded at this news. I loved him for a reason i cannot understand. I began to feel guilty for not having seen him all along. I realized if i don’t see him now, i will never see him again. I was pushed out of my bed and before i knew, i was running to say goodbye.

On my way back to this old place, many memories were flashing in front of my eyes. Memories of a man who we were very fond of. When he had a choice to do something in this world, for some reason he chose to make us smile. He would always do every little thing to make us all happy, to makes us feel together. He never saw a difference between his daughter and us. He treated us all alike, we were happy to be around him.

I reached their house. I saw the most liveliest man, life-less inside a coffin box, his feet tied together with a piece of cloth, with a faint smile on his face. I’ve always known that smile. My heart began to feel heavy, there were tears in my eyes. I could hear his voice in my head. His jokes and smiles. How strange is life? Its been so many years and yet, these memories are fresh on my mind.

My friend has always been a strong girl. I’ve respected her mother because she always seemed serious, i was secretly scared of her because of all the seriousness. She was still serious, but in a state of mind only she could understand. I wanted to touch her feet, there was no reason to it, i just wanted to.

I could understand what was going on. She has lost her soul-mate. She was as life-less as him, only, she was still conscious. Her eyes were moving. They were moving towards me. She said something that i couldn’t understand. I leaned forward to hear her better and i heard her say, “He always asked about you. He wanted to see you.” What could i say? I cried.

I knew the truth. The truth behind my hiding and running away from friends and family. I was emotionally closed to this world. I had locked myself in a glass box and never wanted to get out of there. I wanted to make it big in a fancy world. I wanted to become a Director and come back out and meet them all.

When i was young, Xavier uncle encouraged me in my photography. He was proud of me. He was my favorite father. He loved me in a way i was meant to be loved, and i loved him back too. But i wanted to make it big in this hopeless world. By the end of this unknown goodbye, i realized i was wrong. How can i apologize to him now that he is gone? How can i make him smile? How can i ever talk to him again, tell him all my jokes and all. It is never going to happen, it was all just a dream. I am a dreamer, and i have let life pass me by.

I met my best friends there at his funeral house. Faces i had imprinted in my heart. The five of us ended up in the kitchen, which officially is our place of worship. We stayed in there for a while. Its been seven years since we met, and all that we could think was, how much he wanted us to be together. He always said it. “Always stay together, Take care of Jennifer” We the stone hearted five, were still hanging out in the kitchen talking about life. We never took care of Jennifer, we always left her behind. It was harshly strange, that it was her father’s death that reunited us again.

By the end of it all, aunty said her prayers, it was more of a goodbye to her husband. She said “He has always taken care of me like a child, no other woman would ever find a husband like him. His body lies here, he lives in my heart.” She thanked him with all her heart and all that words could express. It was the most beautiful goodbye ever. We cried. We cried all that we can. I touched his feet to say goodbye. I wished he was alive.

They changed aunty’s clothes, they put slippers onto her feet. She neither hesitated to participate, nor was part of it. She was lost somewhere within herself. We were hanging by the gate, as we watched them leave. It was as though aunty was returning to reality. Jennifer was so kind hearted, even at this stage, she was making people feel comfortable. My heart was guilty of love untold and unexpressed. I returned back to my childhood when it was easy to laugh and smile. When it was easy to trust people and love them the way they were.

I used to trust people blindly. There was never a reason to trust anyone. I blindly trusted them because i wanted to. Jennifer and her father trusted us like that and we trusted them back too. That is why our relationship was special. This is what i could not follow or understand, anymore. Life had taken me through unsustainable turns, and along the way i had lost faith in people. I had lost the trust i had. This goodbye, reminded me that there are still people in this world, who are worthy to be trusted and loved. This world is still a beautiful place and happiness changes it all.

Xavier uncle’s death enlightened me, it opened my heart again. A place that has been shut down for many years. My face was frozen with hatred and anger. There was nothing more that could bring back love into my heart. Today, my heart is filled with love, and i will not hesitate to express it. Nothing is worth not being happy. This world is a happy place and it always should be. Xavier uncle brought back light into my heart, and unfortunately, all that i can do is remember him by.