Who to be and who not to be?

This fight in my mind started because of a small confusion. I had gone out to meet a friend and in all intentions, I wanted to wear traditional clothes but I ended up wearing something sexy. You should know that women don’t think sexy as a bad thing. We think sexy as just a word. A word that means nothing but I suppose its about time we realize what “sexy” in “fashion” really means. I am trying to convince my mind to choose the word decent over sexy, in the sense of “fashion”. 🙅

So it was just another evening I was invited to meet a friend at a public place and I decided to wear something a little bit sexy. In the end, I did not look good. I know it because we took some pictures and I looked a little bit on the lines of ugly. 😐 It’s been over one month since that happened and I am still not over it. I finally have convinced myself that when it comes to my fashion choices, I want to be decent. I hope this helps all women, because choice is the secret when it comes to almost all things in life and knowing how to choose fashion is kind of important.

Anyway, on further thoughts, i think it is necessary for women my age to accept who they are in all ways. Its not just about choosing to be decent in fashion. Its about everything, from words to lifestyle habits, to food. I have got to learn how to be decent with food. P:s: Its a story that I will never tell.

Acceptance is kind of like the emotion I am going through right now. I have to accept my age, my skin tone, my choices, my body, my emotions. Yes, there is a lot of acceptance that needs to happen in order for me to be happy. But on the other side I remember all the people from my past, the life that I have lived, not that I ever looked good living that life, but I was happy and its hard to accept that my life is no longer the same. 😢

Its difficult to make life changing choices and to live it. Sometimes I think of myself as a genius, at other times, I know that I am stupid for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. Failure is a pretty doomed feeling. My failures make me weak. I am not able to do my work every time I break out realizing what a failure I am.

According to the ritual of self image, one must know who they are. You can determine your self image and in fact you must. So how do you do that? You have got to know what type of person you are, are you a good person or a bad person? Are you a happy person or a sad person? What is your fashion? What are your goals? What would you like to do? What matters to you? Who are you? What do you like in food? You pretty much have to have these and more questions answered in order to live the life that you have always wanted. Are you a strong person? Or a soft person? What are your weaknesses? How would you like your appearance to be? Visualize everything, and be surprised when you see it all happen right in front of your eyes. This isn’t my theory, its the theory of self image. So that’s why it is important that one works on their own self image.

So why dont iI ask myself right now? Am I a failure? Or am I a successful person? Who do i want to be? Some question are worth beinganswered.



The emptiness inside my heart. I decided to fill it up with words.

Some moments in life are thick. Like waking up to an unknown chill or taking a walk by the stones on the seashore. And some moments are thin, like cleaning your room several thousand times and still finding that the dirt lurks around exactly where you always find it.

There is no attachment to neither of these worlds. Where is my morning sunshine when I wake up by 6 am? How long do I have to wait for it? I am absolutely mind blasted by having to wait for every little thing. Despite the fact that the entire universe functions at its pace, I want to be faster than it all.

I have waited long enough for most things and never received it. May be im angry and given up but that ridiculous hope inside my heart.. I don’t know if I should pity it or admire it. I am going to learn to make it my whole life.

How many times have I woken up this exact same time everyday, many many years ago. It was the most annoying thing I had to do when I had to wake up and go to school. I always looked forward for the future. Here I am, still looking forward for it. How silly of us to sometimes offer one of the most amazing parts of our life to some one or something so ridiculous.

This must be the first time I am openly regretting for all the years I spent being in love with people in the hope of forever. There is no “forever” in love. There is only work as hard as you can to keep yourself and everyone around you happy. Or give up and die.

Superwoman says there is a stage six in a break up. The stage of floating. The last and final stage where you swim back to the surface and float.. Apparently its a fun stage. I’d like to see that happen. Is that a good idea? Is it healthy? Only time will tell.

As of now, all that I can say is im catching up on my ritual of early awakening and it feels pretty damn good so far.

Cheers, Good morning,

The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.


This thought about life and death.

A lot of people would not be interested in having this talk. The talk about death. I don’t know why, I think people are so engrossed in their life that they don’t want to think about death. May be because they are afraid, may be because they think it is not going to happen anytime soon, so why think about it?

This thought in my mind about death, started with the movie fight club. Its one of the many movies that I have enjoyed, loved and thought was delicious; soul satisfying. A part of that movie touched my soul, it reached to the inside of my subconscious mind and told me that if you want to live fearlessly, you’re going to have to know that one day you are going to die. When i heard that line, i thought it was probably true, and that was it. I still wonder if its important to know that one day i am going to die.

“Fearlessly” to me means “without being afraid of butterflies”. Because I have overcome many fears, fear of life, darkness, height, but its this fear, the fear of butterflies, that I really want to overcome because its irrational. I want to know why i am afraid of it.

So, this is crazy, i wonder, if i realize that I am going to die one day, then may be i wont be afraid of butterflies anymore. Perhaps i can see how beautiful these creatures are instead of being afraid of them. I saw one today, it was really gorgeous, it was small, and it was exactly like a paper flying in the wind but it had life. It was beautiful, I thought. Ps: I am seeing a doctor, asap, with regard to my fear.

So once again about death. My friend died, he killed himself. Life is so hard, its easier to die than to struggle, perhaps that’s what he thought before taking such a crazy decision. I don’t agree. I wish I had called him at least once in these 6 months, to check on how he is doing. Not that I could have made a difference to his life, but I just wish I had done that.

Life is hard, i agree. Each person with their own fight but I think that’s what is awesome about life. Anyway, its just weird knowing how different people think differently.

There is more to life my dear, did it not strike you that there is so much more to do? How could you put an end to what you didn’t begin?

What did he think? He was just smart enough to escape old age? I still think it was one of the most stupid decisions he has ever made. God helps those who help themselves. You have to work hard to make a life for yourself. Its not easy, but its not difficult either. My father says life is pre written. Things happen the way it does because that’s how its meant to be. God creates your destiny even before you step feet into this world. I wonder if its true.

Love you a lot chandroo, i will always miss you now.

Learn to be happy alone.

I am not like that. I cannot be alone for even a short period of time. I get lonely. There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Its okay to be alone but its never ok to feel lonely. Loneliness can make you feel unwanted, it can give you depression. It may even take you to a place from where you may never want to return again.

Sometimes I find it impossible to say the words inside my mind. I have more conversations inside my mind than I ever do in reality. How did this even begin? Where did i get lost? Why am I struggling to get back to being normal? Being normal, how do people define that?

I don’t feel normal at times. I feel like I live in a different world. A world in a higher reality. Is that bad? It does give me a superiority complex. Its funny because i normally suffer from an inferiority complex. Am I looking for a balance between these two states of mind? I really don’t know what I am going through.

I feel lonely because i know that there is no one else other than me, in my higher reality. People are having fun living in the real world while I have been living alone for a long time. It was all fun till I was 25. I don’t mean to regret. I had the best times doing what I did but you have to change your habits if you are looking for a transformation. Transformations don’t happen on their own. You make them happen. You struggle for it. You fight for it, even when no one understands what you are going through. You may even lose your closest friends when you make these changes.

Its amazing how much time you have in your hand when you get organized. Its also amazing how much work I still have, to do. Its more tiring than amazing at this point. I don’t want to complain but i don’t know what else to do. Do I like this life? Do I enjoy it? I am not sure if i do but I know I want to. I want to like the life I am creating for myself. I want to enjoy the peace, after all that’s why all this began.

I guess it helps to listen to the world sometimes. I calm down to listen, to feel, to understand, because otherwise I am so busy I don’t have the time to do any of this.

Wakemeupstory: There was once a boy who smelt a rose and couldn’t stop till he found it. But in the end he could never find that rose because it never existed.

The thing that I am doing is a little bit like that rose story. The things i run behind like success and money, they are not real. They are only things i need to have a more happy and comfortable life. They are not always necessary. Its important to know your goals. Its important to understand what you want. You need to have a vision if you want to lead your life. You have to know what you really want. Otherwise you are simply running behind something for no reason.

My childhood friend once said that she will become an actress when she grows up. I still remember that moment. We were in her room and she was confident and sure about her future. She said that an astrologer whom her mother meets regularly has told that she will become an actress when she grows up. She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I remember always thinking that i wish I was her. It was at that moment that I wondered if I would ever get a chance to become an actress like her.

No. I could never act. I am a ridiculous actor but my desire is still alive. I am trying to become a director. Its been nothing less of hard work and I am not sure about what is going on with my body anymore. I am worried. My hair is a mess, my skin is patchy and dark, thankfully, my exercise routine is ok. So at least my body is in control. I am tired and for heavens sake, I feel old. What I really want at this point is to be kind and beautiful towards everyone I love. I want to be happy. I want people in my life. People to love and care about.

I feel miserable knowing that I have been using my body and killing its desires to fulfill the dreams of my own.


Happiness is a journey (part 2)

Man’s search through all time, from when he has been to when he will ever be, is the eternal understanding of happiness. We all want to be happy. We like being happy. I believe that happiness is beautiful. But just because I believe so doesn’t mean that I must be smiling all the time.

There is a small difference between reality and fake. Reality is real, fake isn’t. And my philosophy of happiness begins and ends there. You have to be happy for real because that is when its beautiful. I like my mind, Its stubborn, its angry for all the right reasons and it deserves to be loved. Its good, more than anything its good. And I love it because it is good. I think its beautiful, because it is good.

If you want to be honest, who is the one person you would choose to be honest with? Just a thought… Think about it… I guess, being honest with god is one of the best way to be… All the time.

So… There are lots of times that you would curse god asking him why you are not happy. I’ve done that a lot and even in those most painful times, god has given me happiness. My point here is not about god. Its about happiness. Its about being okay with pain.

Sometimes a lot of people, my friends, have thought that its wrong that i have a liking to be sad. But really nobody likes to be sad, and neither do i. But i just think that its important to be sad. There was a time in my life, when I would do anything to avoid feeling pain. But that did not help me. Because i had failed to understand why I was in a situation that gave me pain. Accepting pain is probably one of the best things we can ever do. Because when we do so, we learn that pain is only temporary. If you just held on to it, things would change.

My friend always said “nothing is going to change” it made me feel sad, may be I should’ve told him that it would. Because you got to be your own saviour, nobody else is going to do that job for you.

Things always change. Your pain would go away for ever, if you learn to accept it and eventually you will become happy. Everything you wish for comes around. Life is this. Its simple. Its a wave after a wave after another wave. And it is wise to learn that these waves lead you, to happiness.

Mk. ❤


Life unfolds like a story, revealing every character for who they are, slowly and steadily life does its job. I have asked a friend this question, many times, what do you think of life and he always laughed thinking I was funny, perhaps.

I was just watching a video about swathi, the girl who was murdered in the railway station and i was wondering what significance swathi’s life has in the bigger picture.

There is “always” a bigger picture. One that we are not aware of. I call it history and i suppose that is the truth. I recently saw a picture on 9gag that says Andromeda galaxy is going to collide with milky way galaxy one day. Believe me, one day we are all going to die. It is a little bit strange to say so but its true and i am not going to live my life hoping in a forever.

I am not going to exist one day. One day I will no longer be able to think for myself. One day, I will no longer own my body, I will not be able to see, smell or hear everything that I love in this world. There may not be anymore meaning left to decipher and in fact there will be no more world to look for a meaning. 😔

This brings me back to that thought about stories. How does one create stories? How does one give meaning to a situation? How does meaning arrive or come into existence? In Bhagavad Gita, it is told that there is a way to understand Krishna but you cannot do so by using the power of your imagination. Those were the words, but the word I am looking for over here is Imagination. Imagination is my little craziness, the fun that lies within every mind.

So I was wondering if swathis death was probably the most significant part of her life because it became a news. I wondered if she had to die for us, people, to understand that we must learn to help people when they are in danger. But it feels wrongs even as these words come out of my mouth.

No one’s death should be the most significant part of their life. Everyone’s life is important. Everybody has people in their lives who cares about them, who love them and people they want to care about and love. Above all, everyone has a story in their mind about themselves, where they are warriors, and heroes, and saviours to their soul. Everyone is important. Every single life is unique. Life, I think is a magical journey through heaven and hell and our job is to make the best out of it. Tomorrow when you wake up, something new is going to come into your board. You are going to think of a new idea. You are going to wake up and continue where you left off. I only have one thing to say tonight. Life is very short.

Even then, if life had to be compared to a story, it would not do justice. Because there are so many moments in life, exciting ones, slow ones, fast ones, painful ones, beautiful ones. So therefore, I’d like to change my idea that life is a story, and rather create a new one, that stories can be created from life and Not just my own. .


The most beautiful visions of my life.

I decided to put down in words all of the most beautiful things that I have seen, so far. I am inspired by the clouds I saw today. It felt like it was the most beautiful thing there ever was in the world. As though there was a world beyond the clouds. It felt that lord Krishna was somewhere out there roaming in his chariot of justice and that he might just pop out and say hello through that mighty whole that I was staring at. It had a sort of divine beauty that could only be understood when seen. Sometimes when I stare at clouds like those or anything as beautiful i wonder why it looked so divine. Moving on.

It takes a while to notice all the birds in a tree but once you begin to see them, you’ll notice how beautiful bird life is. Their flight is a marvellous sight. Its like a whole different world. A world where flying is possible. You have to notice the arrogance in birds when they fall, because they can fly. If you are an obsessive animal watcher you’ll notice that we all share a universal language.

Trees and nature in general is not only beautiful but just radical. You have to think about it to really understand how gifted we are to be present among the strangest beauty of nature. Nature by itself has no harmony or balance but still its harmonious and there’s a sacred geometry to it. The balance like colours, are created by our mind. No two trees are the same, but all trees look the same to us. The same logic applies to asians as well. 😁 If you took every object as an individual you would notice there are only so many objects in nature itself. Rocks, sand, trees, sky, clouds, fire, wind, water. When you separate man made from nature you would see how intelligent humans are.. And that’s kind of beautiful.

Next, vision itself. The very ability to see and experience this extraordinary life is a gift. That’s why I think every single day of life is beautiful. And its almost wrong if I wouldn’t mention the different sounds I hear and enjoy. Some sounds in nature is just amazing. Starting from the sound of breeze, to voices, there are sounds that please, sounds that distract and of course, sounds that attract.

Cheers, 🍻
Much love.
Good night,

I am simply running behind a butterfly.

I am running behind a butterfly and there were days when I was running away from it. I collect stones because my mother collects stones. She collects beautiful ones. Ones that shine, gem stones, she recently bought a marble because the ones who sold it said that it was a divine stone. I don’t know why she collects stones. I don’t think that even she knows why. I am not sure she even realizes it. But I do. I not only collect stones but I paint on them.

Life is this amazing thing. I am confused which way to go. I am not sure what I want to do. I am always left with two options. I can either be an artist or I can make movies. I am always left with two options. I don’t know why I believe that. Perhaps because i haven’t thought of more. I like animals. I like wild life. I like to be part of wild life. Sometimes I think the greatest thing a woman can do is to clean the house and be beautiful. Honestly to me, its a huge task. I like to take care of everyone in my family. I guess its the best thing a woman can be.

It’s really a debatable thought. Do you have to be a homemaker? Can’t homes be made on their own? How difficult is it to make homes? Its all just a matter of time management. I am thinking of getting married. Probably to the right person. I am looking for an unforgettable, unforgettable.

So stones, confusion, marriage. If I am playing my cards right, I guess I am headed for something and I am not even sure of what it is.

I have decided that marriage is the appropriate thing to do. Right, interesting. Its like Narada’s story of Maya. Its no wonder I am not tired anymore. I am not being rude to myself. I am simply taking control. Because after all, I am chasing butterflies and it is not the other way around. I mean, im going after something beautiful, because beauty didn’t come after me. May be because I never gave it the opportunity to do so. I don’t want to be tired. I just want to beautiful.