Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

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Youngistaan is in my blood

I remember how much I used to hate “free advice” when I was younger but I don’t anymore. Not because im old, but because im mature enough to realize that its important to understand what other people think and to take my own decisions based on what I feel is right.

This is one of the most important things I wish I had done as a youngster or a youngistaan as I like to call it these days. I read it somewhere that children should be taught how to think on their own and that its one of the most important education one must go through.. And… I agree and I also add… One must be taught how to analyze things. How to accept things. How to choose things, how to take decisions, how to care for themselves, how to study and understand, how to excel at being themselves. One must be discovered while they are young. I think inside every grown man and woman there is a child that wishes it had started on its work really early. Because no matter how hard you work it just seems that there is no time left.

As you grow older you would realize how important a career is. A career is something that defines your life. It defines your existence even after you have gone. Your work will speak for you. On the other hand, my religion tells me that whatever work i do, i must dedicate it to god. I must know, accept and realize that everything that i do is only done to fulfill the wishes of my god and therefore i have no right over it myself. Its like I only experience life as it comes, and swim 🏊 through it.

So at this point I am confused. I wonder if it is necessary to work hard towards my dreams and goals or to let go of it all and stay at home to enjoy the fruits of life. That sounds like so much fun.💃 But… there is a part of me that kind of wants to get up and succeed. I wonder if that raging power in me should be silenced or accepted.

Should I or should I not? To be or not to be. I made my decision long ago that I will only do things that will make me beautiful. Its a simple matter of seeing whether this is good for me or not. I am driven by a force to prove myself to people who are no longer in my life. Its almost as if I am doing these things for no reason. Perhaps if I found a reason..

With love,
Miss.Angry bird.

P:s: I feel my earth shake like an earthquake, its hard to see clear, is it me or is it fear?

No darling, I wonder why you are doing what you are doing.