The fire in my heart

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got married. These few weeks have been very sweet, blissful and I have been feeling the one feeling I have desired so long for.. loved. Lately I have been thinking that I have taken this love for granted.

Coming from a place as dark as I have been, at no point can I afford to take love for granted. So i have to pull myself together, step outside of my body and understand what is going on. Meditation is a lovely way to do it, some like to meditate.. and some like to blog. I also believe that it’s always good to question yourself. That is one way to find answers you have never thought of…

So when I look into myself, when i come out of my body and try to understand myself, what do I see? What do I understand that I don’t already know??

On the overview, i see a 30 year old woman with a paunch of laziness. I have become stagnant and I have failed to come out of the tiresome feeling of wanting to be loved, even though i have already achieved it.. therefore feeling stagnant.. I constantly find myself accepting more and more things from people who care about me.. i accept gifts, love, and i don’t find myself returning these in any form.. I don’t ever see myself making a choice of love.. there is only a one way movement in my life right now and it’s going right into my womb of happiness.

So far, so good.. but lately i am worried that i have become desirous of material things, and sometimes I find myself unsatisfied and i am still looking for meaning and purpose for my life. So now.. I feel I am back to where I started from. I am where i have always been, i am at my lows seeking my “great perhaps.” Now, What if there was no “great perhaps”? What if all that you had and wanted was just right here in front of you? What would you Do?

So this is how I use my tone of acceptance.. Hmm!! Life is sometimes like a bitter stone that you bite into while you are tasting a sumptuous meal, is it not? You are right there enjoying the spicy taste of indian masala… 😂 and suddenly, you bite into a piece of bitterness and you feel like you want to throw up.. You might even wonder where that piece of bitterness came from?? And why did it come into my life right now?? That is how i feel, sometimes.. bitterly yours. There is this thought lurking around in my mind that I am desiring more than I require, that I feel greedy for material things.

I remember a friend telling me this at my darkest hour. It’s not something I could ever forget. She said.. you only get the love that you think you deserve. At many times i have learnt that this quote was actually true.. I accept only what i think i deserve…

Lately, all that I can think of is the perfect mirror that I want in the bedroom and the additional beautiful mirror that i want in our bathroom which has got to be lit up in the right direction which would make us see all of our beauty and all of our flaws. I want the perfect dining table that has a bench for kids to sit on… I want a loveseat for me and my partner to cozy around at home… the list of my wants is endless.. I am worried that I am desiring all these things out of greed and I am not even sure if my partner wants the same. Just yesterday i was telling my partner that I have seen so many beautiful homes in my life and that I admire them so much.. and naturally i want my home to be something like that.. but before I nag my husband into buying the things I desire and asking him to do the things I want, I just want to understand why I want the things I want.. i wonder why having a beautiful home is necessary and i am worried that i am looking for a beautiful home out of my desire to look beautiful?? Some.of you might think this thought is absolutely bizarre.. and it probably is.. but this thought puts me back on track.. to look beautiful is my actual quest anyway.. so if having a beautiful home is not going to make me beautiful then what is? I guess i have somewhere in my literal journeys of life, decided dedicate my life to being beautiful and that is like the thing that lights my way in all of its darkness.. “would you light my way…??” With great love #methe #audioslave

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Love is ridiculous

How can love, a feeling so pure, begin and end with your eyes? How can it all be about beauty? If people, values, sentiments and thoughts play a role in judging a person’s character, then how can we still believe that beautiful things are made of gold? If it does, then is love pure after all? 

Take me for instance. I fall in love only for the most beautiful men in my world.  It started with Steve brooks. Steve was white, he was an Australian. My standard of beauty was someone who was white. I was not white, I have never, in all my life, believed, that I was beautiful. I have always looked outside for beautiful things and beautiful people.

I have always been attracted to beautiful men. I think that is what I want to understand first. To be attracted is natural. But it matters what we are attracted to. Why should I be attracted to beauty? Why can I not be attracted to knowledge? Or intelligence?

The second guy I felt that I wanted was someone I don’t want to name. But he was rich. I wanted him because I thought he was beautiful. No I cannot explain why Because I don’t know why I thought He was beautiful. He was sexy, he was young, he looked like a star from a bollywood film. When he walked down the stairs i thought he was beautiful. There was a smell I associate with him. I have sensed this smell a few times in my life afterward. It always reminded me of him.

I think when you want someone, its pure desire. There is no love in it. There is just a goal to achieve. It’s what you feel when you look at food. You want it. You’ve tasted it, you know you want to consume it. You feel hungry for it. You enjoy the sense of taste. Even though its a sense so temporary, even though it means nothing, you still enjoy it mindlessly. As far as life goes till now, love to me is a feeling like that. Its a goal i want to achieve to make myself believe that i am beautiful. Getting a beautiful man means that I am beautiful.

But thats what i do, it is not who i am. I believe that people who fall in love are the most foolish of all. Because like a moth caught in a spider’s web, people who fall in love suffer. They don’t know what brought them into it and they don’t know how to get out of it. They only get consumed by the brutal feelings of it, often caused by the most silliest attraction. My heart is so cruel to be in love with something so illusory. But like my good friend once said, fool me once Shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I just mean to say that any knowledgeable person would not allow themselves to be fooled twice by the same situation.

Because we learn. Learning is the secret to life. We learn and we grow and we become the person that we are on the inside. You are not what you look like. You are, an idea. And it is your responsibility to shape your idea as you wish.

And so tonight I got to thinking about love. I have these unresolved thoughts which I could take back with me into the abyss of my silence. Am I shallow to fall in love with beauty? Or Am I silly to not realize my own beauty? And do I still need a man to let myself know that i am beautiful?  

The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.

Cheers,
Mk.