Love, Friendship and all that crap.

I told myself its a conversation. A conversation between who? why the two of us, i told myself again.

Sometimes life is just that simple. You wake up in the morning and realize you were talking to yourself in your dream and as you sleep in your bathroom, unconsciously crapping and trying to remember, it hits you, you were responsible for your own migraine.

How difficult is it to silence that voice in your head. I almost lost my mind worrying about it. No wonder spiritual leaders mean so much. Meditation is the key to all our problems. Prayers are the key to all our worries. Are we really free?

What does freedom mean to us? To be free is to be without a worry. Is it really possible to live a worry-free life. Why do we have so many desires? Do unfulfilled desires make you angry? Oh lord, it sounds like a 90’s horror movie. The one with the doll. The doll that walks, talks and kills. It occasionally laughs too..

Do i really think that i am so heartless. That i am non-existent? That i have no life in me.. That im not real? That i am dead. That somehow i am a stupid life-less body just walking about like a robot, that hasn’t a clue of what to do. How stupid am i? Its the strangest yet most truest confession there can ever be. I don’t know myself. When did i even become real?

Say this along with me. I am a mysterious mind. and I am unique. I am powerful, kind and sweet. There is love in me. I am a listener. I understand my world, as i listen and see and feel. I watch mysterious things happen in my world. I think about great things and keep them to myself because i am afraid that people will make fun of me. I love to like.

I am not greedy. I don’t need love. I am a sugarcane juice that can melt your heart. I am soft and that is not a problem. I am not angry with anybody. I have dissolved my anger around the world because i deserve to be happy. I love my family. They deserve love because they have never experienced it.

Why do people get married when they cant love each other? Do you really think i should get married to anyone because im 27? Am i so courageous? Is it possible to move on from love? is life just one big Stockholm syndrome? How can we live the rest of our life knowing that the dream never became true? Its like the pigeon. I really thought the pigeon would fly. That it would fly off my hands, and into the sky and i would be so happy watching it happen but you know what happened right? The pigeon died.

Why am i sad? why cant i wake up from this nightmare? but sometimes my nightmare is beautiful. It rained today and the thunders remind me of god. It makes me feel like i’m inside a more meaningful being.

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Things i’ve lied about.

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I remember it so well. I was crying, i didn’t show it outside. I was sitting in front of him. He knew i wasn’t OK and yet he asked me if i was, and I said I’m fine. I haven’t been fine from ever since.

I don’t remember all of my lies. I only remember that i used to believe in them because it was easier to remember it when i believed. I would remember it visually. Its never easy to forget a visual memory. I am still afraid of butterflies and i don’t want to be.

A year ago, when i was writing, i had a strange memory. I could not tell if it was a memory or my imagination. I did not know if it happened when i was young or if it was just something i randomly created while i was writing. Anyway, the memory was cruel. It was the flapping of a broken butterfly wing stuck to a wall. I think i had imagined it. But i don’t know for real. How do you know what’s real and what is not, when the mind makes things up on its own.

There’s a child who comes home regularly. I don’t respond to her much, so sometimes she talks to herself. Sometimes i notice she imagines having conversations with her school mates. She tells them what to do. She even becomes angry and i realize/remember the times when i do it in my own privacy. Especially when i feel i have no control over myself. I think all people do that. Everyone has their own little imaginations running on their minds.

Humanity is confused i think. To awaken from that confusion, one has to dream. Isn’t it ironic that to wake up you must dream…

As soon as i came out of the room, i couldn’t feel. We were traveling. He asked me what happened,  and i told him that i was feeling cold. It was a lie. But i could never stop feeling the cold. It only got worse until i forgot about it.