Character

People are different. Not everyone cares for the things you care about. Everyone is bothered about their own feelings and thoughts and that alone. Nobody cares enough to understand how or why a person feels the way they feel.

People are different. People cannot be randomly classified under good people and bad people. There are many many more kinds of people. There are happy People, sad People, I think each person tends to be dominated by a particular emotion.

I know a sad person, I know a happy person too. But the happy person is not really happy and sad person is really sad. It’s life, it’s what life does to each person and how they react to it. How they turn it around or accept it. These are the things that define a character.

An innocent mother might accept a life that she does not like and pretend to be happy. She may never be really happy in her life. She may have never achieved any of her aims or goals. Her body could have changed into something she does not relate to. She might feel that she looks ugly.

There might be a child who is lonely and wants to be loved and cared for. She might grow up into a bitch who is rude and ruthless. Or it could be a boy who was abandoned who could turn into a killer.

Circumstances. Circumstances is what makes or breaks a person. But what we choose to do is our character. Life is a wonderful journey filled with twists and turns. With each turn remember life is doing something extraordinary for you. With each twist remember god is changing your life to do something extraordinary.

You must understand what god wants you to do. You must make the best of that situation. You must excel. Life is for the people who want to change themselves, adapt and become new. Never stay stuck in a place. Learn and grow, and eventually we will all succeed.

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The fire in my heart

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got married. These few weeks have been very sweet, blissful and I have been feeling the one feeling I have desired so long for.. loved. Lately I have been thinking that I have taken this love for granted.

Coming from a place as dark as I have been, at no point can I afford to take love for granted. So i have to pull myself together, step outside of my body and understand what is going on. Meditation is a lovely way to do it, some like to meditate.. and some like to blog. I also believe that it’s always good to question yourself. That is one way to find answers you have never thought of…

So when I look into myself, when i come out of my body and try to understand myself, what do I see? What do I understand that I don’t already know??

On the overview, i see a 30 year old woman with a paunch of laziness. I have become stagnant and I have failed to come out of the tiresome feeling of wanting to be loved, even though i have already achieved it.. therefore feeling stagnant.. I constantly find myself accepting more and more things from people who care about me.. i accept gifts, love, and i don’t find myself returning these in any form.. I don’t ever see myself making a choice of love.. there is only a one way movement in my life right now and it’s going right into my womb of happiness.

So far, so good.. but lately i am worried that i have become desirous of material things, and sometimes I find myself unsatisfied and i am still looking for meaning and purpose for my life. So now.. I feel I am back to where I started from. I am where i have always been, i am at my lows seeking my “great perhaps.” Now, What if there was no “great perhaps”? What if all that you had and wanted was just right here in front of you? What would you Do?

So this is how I use my tone of acceptance.. Hmm!! Life is sometimes like a bitter stone that you bite into while you are tasting a sumptuous meal, is it not? You are right there enjoying the spicy taste of indian masala… 😂 and suddenly, you bite into a piece of bitterness and you feel like you want to throw up.. You might even wonder where that piece of bitterness came from?? And why did it come into my life right now?? That is how i feel, sometimes.. bitterly yours. There is this thought lurking around in my mind that I am desiring more than I require, that I feel greedy for material things.

I remember a friend telling me this at my darkest hour. It’s not something I could ever forget. She said.. you only get the love that you think you deserve. At many times i have learnt that this quote was actually true.. I accept only what i think i deserve…

Lately, all that I can think of is the perfect mirror that I want in the bedroom and the additional beautiful mirror that i want in our bathroom which has got to be lit up in the right direction which would make us see all of our beauty and all of our flaws. I want the perfect dining table that has a bench for kids to sit on… I want a loveseat for me and my partner to cozy around at home… the list of my wants is endless.. I am worried that I am desiring all these things out of greed and I am not even sure if my partner wants the same. Just yesterday i was telling my partner that I have seen so many beautiful homes in my life and that I admire them so much.. and naturally i want my home to be something like that.. but before I nag my husband into buying the things I desire and asking him to do the things I want, I just want to understand why I want the things I want.. i wonder why having a beautiful home is necessary and i am worried that i am looking for a beautiful home out of my desire to look beautiful?? Some.of you might think this thought is absolutely bizarre.. and it probably is.. but this thought puts me back on track.. to look beautiful is my actual quest anyway.. so if having a beautiful home is not going to make me beautiful then what is? I guess i have somewhere in my literal journeys of life, decided dedicate my life to being beautiful and that is like the thing that lights my way in all of its darkness.. “would you light my way…??” With great love #methe #audioslave

Melancholy

I still think melancholy is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It was one afternoon in school, during lunch break that I found myself hanging by the corridor, alone, in the midst of the busiest crowd of students. Every time someone passed by, they asked me if i was ok. And I nodded, even smiled. But really I felt a kind of deep sadness. The kind from which i thought there was no return.

There is something that is bothering me. I once loved a man. It was not the acceptable kind of love. He was my boy friends friend. We shared a space long enough for me to feel attracted to him. But in my mind there was a kind of fighting. A fight between me and me. I suppressed my feelings towards him. But I could no longer love my boyfriend after that. We both tried to be together for two years after this incident, but there was so much fighting, that in the end, we broke up.

Well, about the fight that happened between me and me, I realised that I’m not married and that this is what love felt like and I went after what I felt was right. I went after his friend.. I liked to talk to him. His voice attracted me the most. I thought that there was nothing more beautiful in this world, than his voice.

But after a couple of meetings he realised that I was way too short for him. He was 6 feet tall and I am 5’1. When we fell in love we were both sitting and I connected to his eyes. There was music and weed. There was Nothing more mesmerising than our love. But when reality hit us.. He realised that we were not meant to be. Our physicality’s brought us apart. The irony of life. We kissed once. It wasn’t great. It was way better when we would just look at each other and smile. When smiles were better than kisses. Doesn’t happen everyday.

Now to the thing that is bothering me, I sent him a message two days ago. I told him that I was sad.. I told that I missed him and asked him to come to my house. (Well) So we could kiss again but he didn’t reply. And I’m feeling embarrassed and hurt. Why would I ask a six feet, grown, thirty two year old man to love me. Was I just desperate for sex? If I really was then I should be sending messages to a few other men who would be interested in such an endeavour.. But I am not. Not interested.

Hmm.. So it turns out that I was desperate for sex with him. Would I call it love? Well… Ya I would. Because When I decided to send that message I thought, after this much expected kiss he would fall in love with me, and we would marry each other and spend the rest of our lives in the presence of love. What a dream. Like I said earlier, he didn’t reply. #The kind of things that happens within a mind.

I wonder what he would be going through himself. But I am feeling ashamed. I find it rather odd that my reaction to shame is anger, because really it should be acceptance, and I am going through it. Its a wonderful feeling to accept your mistakes. Acceptance brings pain, but it brings the kind of pain that transforms. When everything is over you realise that somehow everything is magically transformed into beauty. I like being beautiful.

Life is the greatest feeling there ever is. The kind of problems that comes in life and the strength we come up with to face it. The kind of fights we put up and the prayers, life is truly magical. I like life. I like to face life with a big smile on my face that says, I love you, please come to me, give me abundance in all aspects, give me happiness. Give me love, take some even from me, you deserve it. I like life at all times. I want to remember this.

2010 – 2011
@current.
The place that would blow your mind.