Some kind of monster

I’m a huge fan of Metallica. I think its the one band that creates the type of music that matches my emotions. Its exactly me. Sometimes I find myself alone, perhaps after a lot of crying feeling that i don’t want to cry anymore even though I realize that nothing has changed. In that moment i am no longer some kind of a monster.. I am no longer angry about the things that i cant change, In that moment i settle down and accept it. No matter how painful the issue may be, you have to just accept it because this is what god wants for you.

You have no right to change what god wants for you. You have no power over god. You only have the power to ask, to wish, to feel or to want but beyond that, you have got to accept it. It is in moments like these that I think that life is beautiful. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

There is a lot going on in my body that requires to be healed. I need to pray to god. I think it will work better if I included prayers in my daily routine. Even 60 year old people struggle without a routine, I am happy. I have always believed in the things which I believe today. The only mistake I repeatedly made was to keep running after people for all the wrong reasons. I cannot call it love, I call it the greed for love. The greed for attention. No, it doesn’t work, not for me. You have got to know who you are, what you like and what you want. That’s when you can achieve it. Greed is not a good emotion, even if it were for love. God gives us exactly what we want and when we need it.

A week has passed by and I still haven’t found a perspective for what im going through. And I am searching for one. Peace is a wonderful reason to work. Peace or bliss. They both mean the same to me. I have been considering meditation but that’s not anytime before I accept the butterfly, because I am still afraid of it.

Fly away, my little butterfly. Fly so far away from my reach that I am no longer afraid of you. Lol. You know what I am most scared of in a butterfly? Its movement. But coming to think of it I think its kind of beautiful. Its gentle and feminine. Yeah… beautiful, yes. If it really was beautiful then why am I afraid of it?

Trust

Death is part of life and living. In fact death, completes life. Death makes our life valuable. We live in an ever changing world as emotionally attached souls. We believe we are meant to be here and we work hard towards our goals. This world makes us believe we are purposeless if we are not playing an important role.  Reasons are plenty to be put down in this world, where all that we are meant to be, is loyal to our soul.

Only when a person dies, do we really notice the strangeness of his existence. Until then, we are busy worried about many things that concern ourselves and our own lives. Only when a person dies, do we realize, there is absolutely NOTHING we can do, to be with them again. Nothing hits us like death. When we know someone close to our heart is gone and will never return again.

My friend’s father died. Its been so many years since i met him or my friend. When i got a call from my classmate who informed me about the death of an uncle, i thought i would not go to his funeral. After all, i had transformed into a stone. Water cannot penetrate through a stone, but strangely, it did.

There was a part of me who was astounded at this news. I loved him for a reason i cannot understand. I began to feel guilty for not having seen him all along. I realized if i don’t see him now, i will never see him again. I was pushed out of my bed and before i knew, i was running to say goodbye.

On my way back to this old place, many memories were flashing in front of my eyes. Memories of a man who we were very fond of. When he had a choice to do something in this world, for some reason he chose to make us smile. He would always do every little thing to make us all happy, to makes us feel together. He never saw a difference between his daughter and us. He treated us all alike, we were happy to be around him.

I reached their house. I saw the most liveliest man, life-less inside a coffin box, his feet tied together with a piece of cloth, with a faint smile on his face. I’ve always known that smile. My heart began to feel heavy, there were tears in my eyes. I could hear his voice in my head. His jokes and smiles. How strange is life? Its been so many years and yet, these memories are fresh on my mind.

My friend has always been a strong girl. I’ve respected her mother because she always seemed serious, i was secretly scared of her because of all the seriousness. She was still serious, but in a state of mind only she could understand. I wanted to touch her feet, there was no reason to it, i just wanted to.

I could understand what was going on. She has lost her soul-mate. She was as life-less as him, only, she was still conscious. Her eyes were moving. They were moving towards me. She said something that i couldn’t understand. I leaned forward to hear her better and i heard her say, “He always asked about you. He wanted to see you.” What could i say? I cried.

I knew the truth. The truth behind my hiding and running away from friends and family. I was emotionally closed to this world. I had locked myself in a glass box and never wanted to get out of there. I wanted to make it big in a fancy world. I wanted to become a Director and come back out and meet them all.

When i was young, Xavier uncle encouraged me in my photography. He was proud of me. He was my favorite father. He loved me in a way i was meant to be loved, and i loved him back too. But i wanted to make it big in this hopeless world. By the end of this unknown goodbye, i realized i was wrong. How can i apologize to him now that he is gone? How can i make him smile? How can i ever talk to him again, tell him all my jokes and all. It is never going to happen, it was all just a dream. I am a dreamer, and i have let life pass me by.

I met my best friends there at his funeral house. Faces i had imprinted in my heart. The five of us ended up in the kitchen, which officially is our place of worship. We stayed in there for a while. Its been seven years since we met, and all that we could think was, how much he wanted us to be together. He always said it. “Always stay together, Take care of Jennifer” We the stone hearted five, were still hanging out in the kitchen talking about life. We never took care of Jennifer, we always left her behind. It was harshly strange, that it was her father’s death that reunited us again.

By the end of it all, aunty said her prayers, it was more of a goodbye to her husband. She said “He has always taken care of me like a child, no other woman would ever find a husband like him. His body lies here, he lives in my heart.” She thanked him with all her heart and all that words could express. It was the most beautiful goodbye ever. We cried. We cried all that we can. I touched his feet to say goodbye. I wished he was alive.

They changed aunty’s clothes, they put slippers onto her feet. She neither hesitated to participate, nor was part of it. She was lost somewhere within herself. We were hanging by the gate, as we watched them leave. It was as though aunty was returning to reality. Jennifer was so kind hearted, even at this stage, she was making people feel comfortable. My heart was guilty of love untold and unexpressed. I returned back to my childhood when it was easy to laugh and smile. When it was easy to trust people and love them the way they were.

I used to trust people blindly. There was never a reason to trust anyone. I blindly trusted them because i wanted to. Jennifer and her father trusted us like that and we trusted them back too. That is why our relationship was special. This is what i could not follow or understand, anymore. Life had taken me through unsustainable turns, and along the way i had lost faith in people. I had lost the trust i had. This goodbye, reminded me that there are still people in this world, who are worthy to be trusted and loved. This world is still a beautiful place and happiness changes it all.

Xavier uncle’s death enlightened me, it opened my heart again. A place that has been shut down for many years. My face was frozen with hatred and anger. There was nothing more that could bring back love into my heart. Today, my heart is filled with love, and i will not hesitate to express it. Nothing is worth not being happy. This world is a happy place and it always should be. Xavier uncle brought back light into my heart, and unfortunately, all that i can do is remember him by.