Love never ends

It’s a strange feeling. Knowing where you are in life. This knowledge about your past and everything that you ever remember. The journey, the people that you miss, the time that you have lost. No, we are not getting any younger. I feel like I am responding to a friend who called me late at night. She unfriended me on facebook. Perhaps it means that we are no longer friends. I have always cared about her.

I’ve been on my bed this entire day and im planning on doing the same tomorrow as well. I have been tired. I imagine to be on a mini vacation inside my room.

I miss my mom. More often than ever these days I think of how little time there is left for us in this world. And I should learn to love my mother. I get angry with her because I am afraid of the pain I feel from the monstrous things she says. I am now sad that I may never get a chance to love her.

I always think of a reason to believe that she is a bad person who never appreciates what I do or who I am. Are my feelings just petty? Is my anger meaningless? I still feel that my love is misunderstood. God gives every person a struggle only when he knows that they are strong enough to face it. Perhaps there is something god wants me to understand.

You know, i’ve always thought that life was a lot like mathematics. Problems, solutions, everywhere. I know that there is a perfect solution to every problem and that all problems has solutions. My life has never been the same ever since I realized this. Perhaps it will change more.

Love solves all things unsolvable. There is a reason I have been given this light in my life. Now all that I have to do is to treat them with kindness, with patience, accept pain and not be afraid of it.

On the last year of my school we were all given a souvenir, it had a bible verse printed on it. Everytime I feel lost, I read these beautiful lines and my life would have meaning and purpose again. I have written it here so I could remember it by heart and never make the same mistakes over and over again.

Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in the wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things.
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
🌈

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Be yourself

Its difficult. You know, its difficult to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you and trying to make you different. In a world that keeps telling you what is good and what is bad, what you should do and what you should not, I think its important to learn to listen to your own heart. I think its important to stay calm and choose wisely. I must develop an aptitude to not just listen to myself but others as well. I must learn to listen to what everyone says without losing my own mind. Its not a gift I was born with, nobody is born with an ability to accept or to listen but eventually we all realize it. Children should be taught how to think while they are still young because unfortunately I had to learn in the hard way.

Last night i went to an art of living guru pooja and I am not not sure if everyone likes me there because in the end while I was talking to someone, a small kid came to me and asked “if I still haven’t left?” I felt hurt because I thought may be they didn’t want me there. I have a lot of inhibitions and fears. I hate it when people tell me that I have psychological problems. At those times I wish god will magically turn the table around and make them see how mad they are themselves. These aren’t light thoughts and I am not in a light mood.

Why do I always feel like someone hates me? Perhaps because i hate myself. I hate myself for many reasons, because i get angry, because i control people who are even older than me. I can never be free(?)

I wonder if all people have inhibitions and fears about themselves. If yes, then I wonder how they manage their lives or even themselves. I have my own method but its so difficult to impel my plans into reality and i am somewhere between giving up and giving in but I now wonder to who or to where. Its a nice world out there. Life is a good journey. One of the best journeys I have ever embarked upon. Thanks a lot jimmy, without you this aloneness may never have been possible.

Learn to let go..

When I was young I used to hold on to my mothers hair while going to sleep but it became inconvenient for her so one night she asked me to hold on to her saree. That feeling knowing that she was somewhere close by would make me feel so secure and protected from all the monsters in the world. 😊

When I started to sleep alone I used to bring both my hands together, pray to god and I would refuse to let go of my hands because I thought as long as my hands were together in prayer, god will save me from any kind of monster. I still do that sometimes. 😁

No matter how old you get there are a few things that will always scare you. Falling of a roof, ghosts, heart attacks, getting hurt, being heart broken, rejection, failures and last but not the least, butterflies. 😣

Ever since I started a journey in direction, I have been learning a lot. The monsters in my mind are no longer simple structures like ghosts but its more complicated stuff about life. The feeling that I am from a middle class family makes me sad. So I want to work hard to become successful and when its at stake I feel afraid.

I make plans. I make plans for the future and for my work but plans don’t always work and sometimes I am afraid of that.

When my plan is rejected I feel bummed with sadness. But now that has changed. A lot of that has changed. I know that if something doesn’t work out, I can always think of something new. I never knew that before. I also realize that its good to follow other people’s plans and ideas if its acceptable. As long as I know that im gonna be okay Life remains a joyous ride and its so awesome when I see myself smile. 😊

So… it is sometimes hard to let go of your ideas and this isn’t only about work, this equation can be applied with relationships as well. If something doesn’t work out you have to think of something new because one of the most important things to do in life is to keep on moving forward.

Cheers,
Mk. 💪

The most beautiful things in the world aren’t really things at all.

I remember this line from the movie american beauty. We watched that movie at my sister’s friends place. It was one of those really fun times. My sister’s friend had working parents. In India it meant freedom. Meaning there is no way in the world the parents would come back, between 9 AM and 5 PM. There would be home cooked food and my sisters friend would invite her boy-friends. So as curious as we were, my sister used to take me along during holidays because she was afraid of the idea of men and being together in a house.

We would watch movies, listen to songs, eat lunch, spend time. I honestly had no clue about what was going on between the older people but i can be sure that they were a decent bunch.

Anyway, that is where i first saw the movie american beauty. It was quite a sensational film at that time, even in america, i heard. Anyway, In that movie the hero asks the girl if she wants to see the most beautiful thing he has ever filmed?

The hero is a lonely filmer. He makes videos of random things he sees and has a cassette collection in his shelf. So the girl agrees to see and he shows her a video of a plastic bag on the road. You can find that scene here.

I have never understood this scene and therefore it has never left my mind. The things that haunt you, haunt you because you have not understood it yet. Once you understand something, the mind changes. It starts to look for more meaningful things. It grows. The mind grows like a plant, leaf after leaf it spurts its opinion from inside of you, and thus, creating you.

I feel a lot of pain in my heart. I wonder if that’s how real pain begins. The kind that leads to heart attacks and everything. Anyway. This pain is caused by love, betrayal and rejection. Its rejection mainly. In simple words, its the lack of attention from the people i love. Yes I am 27 years old and i still need attention. This probably is a reminder for myself to look into my needs.

I’ve been thinking a lot about money and the i feel comforted by the idea of working hard in order to live the kind of life i want. I like the idea of working. I like the idea of coming up in life but I wonder if i had leaned more towards the idea of money and forgotten to love.

It happens very easily, when life gets serious, its easy to feel stressed and not realize what you are feeling. What is life really?

Life is a gift. Life is magic. Life is the only precious thing there can ever be in this world. It is very easy to forget this and to find ourselves blended with the problems. Problems like what to do, what to wear, what to eat, how to look pretty, do they like me, do they hate me, why aren’t they happy, why are they famous, when will i ever get my break, why is life so difficult.. breathe.

The answer to all of those problems are in a single line, They are not real.

Because the truth is god is always helping us. If you have a problem, solve it. If you cant find a solution, pray to god for a solution and it will come up. If you are feeling too happy, thank god. If you are feeling too sad, experience it.

Don’t forget to pray for change. God answers prayers.

Last night i was too sad, i couldnt sleep. I couldn’t pray either because i had no idea what i was doing. So i went to my balcony and sat there. It had rained in the afternoon, and all evening, and there was some water on the concrete railing. Inside that water, i could see the reflection of a street light. I focussed my eyes like a camera and the street light was so clear that it looked like a painting. I moved forward and backward, and from left to right. The street light moved along with me. I could also see the reflection of the light on the highlights of the water. They were like small yellow dots as they were out of focus. It was beautiful. It reminded me that life is that extraordinary painting that we are meant to see and admire.

I realized how i had forgotten all about it, ever since i started worrying about my age and marriage. My parents think im too old to get married at 27. and i feel that im just as young as ever. After all 27 is just a number. And numbers don’t mean anything.

Sure, i still believe in age, because it means i have had a life for 27 years, and i have met so many people, i have had so many painful relationships and I’m still afraid of butterflies. But i also believe that life is magical, but i don’t know if love is real.

Oh mahananda Maye. Shree Krishna, the merciful. Please love me. As i am your child.

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Trippy Morning.