Love never ends

It’s a strange feeling. Knowing where you are in life. This knowledge about your past and everything that you ever remember. The journey, the people that you miss, the time that you have lost. No, we are not getting any younger. I feel like I am responding to a friend who called me late at night. She unfriended me on facebook. Perhaps it means that we are no longer friends. I have always cared about her.

I’ve been on my bed this entire day and im planning on doing the same tomorrow as well. I have been tired. I imagine to be on a mini vacation inside my room.

I miss my mom. More often than ever these days I think of how little time there is left for us in this world. And I should learn to love my mother. I get angry with her because I am afraid of the pain I feel from the monstrous things she says. I am now sad that I may never get a chance to love her.

I always think of a reason to believe that she is a bad person who never appreciates what I do or who I am. Are my feelings just petty? Is my anger meaningless? I still feel that my love is misunderstood. God gives every person a struggle only when he knows that they are strong enough to face it. Perhaps there is something god wants me to understand.

You know, i’ve always thought that life was a lot like mathematics. Problems, solutions, everywhere. I know that there is a perfect solution to every problem and that all problems has solutions. My life has never been the same ever since I realized this. Perhaps it will change more.

Love solves all things unsolvable. There is a reason I have been given this light in my life. Now all that I have to do is to treat them with kindness, with patience, accept pain and not be afraid of it.

On the last year of my school we were all given a souvenir, it had a bible verse printed on it. Everytime I feel lost, I read these beautiful lines and my life would have meaning and purpose again. I have written it here so I could remember it by heart and never make the same mistakes over and over again.

Corinthians 13: 4-8
Love is patient and kind;
love is not jealous or boastful;
it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful;
it does not rejoice in the wrong,
but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things.
Endures all things.
Love never ends.
šŸŒˆ

Advertisements

Be yourself

Its difficult. You know, its difficult to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you and trying to make you different. In a world that keeps telling you what is good and what is bad, what you should do and what you should not, I think its important to learn to listen to your own heart. I think its important to stay calm and choose wisely. I must develop an aptitude to not just listen to myself but others as well. I must learn to listen to what everyone says without losing my own mind. Its not a gift I was born with, nobody is born with an ability to accept or to listen but eventually we all realize it. Children should be taught how to think while they are still young because unfortunately I had to learn in the hard way.

Last night i went to an art of living guru pooja and I am not not sure if everyone likes me there because in the end while I was talking to someone, a small kid came to me and asked “if I still haven’t left?” I felt hurt because I thought may be they didn’t want me there. I have a lot of inhibitions and fears. I hate it when people tell me that I have psychological problems. At those times I wish god will magically turn the table around and make them see how mad they are themselves. These aren’t light thoughts and I am not in a light mood.

Why do I always feel like someone hates me? Perhaps because i hate myself. I hate myself for many reasons, because i get angry, because i control people who are even older than me. I can never be free(?)

I wonder if all people have inhibitions and fears about themselves. If yes, then I wonder how they manage their lives or even themselves. I have my own method but its so difficult to impel my plans into reality and i am somewhere between giving up and giving in but I now wonder to who or to where. Its a nice world out there. Life is a good journey. One of the best journeys I have ever embarked upon. Thanks a lot jimmy, without you this aloneness may never have been possible.

Some kind of monster

I’m a huge fan of Metallica. I think its the one band that creates the type of music that matches my emotions. Its exactly me. Sometimes I find myself alone, perhaps after a lot of crying feeling that i don’t want to cry anymore even though I realize that nothing has changed. In that moment i am no longer some kind of a monster.. I am no longer angry about the things that i cant change, In that moment i settle down and accept it. No matter how painful the issue may be, you have to just accept it because this is what god wants for you.

You have no right to change what god wants for you. You have no power over god. You only have the power to ask, to wish, to feel or to want but beyond that, you have got to accept it. It is in moments like these that I think that life is beautiful. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

There is a lot going on in my body that requires to be healed. I need to pray to god. I think it will work better if I included prayers in my daily routine. Even 60 year old people struggle without a routine, I am happy. I have always believed in the things which I believe today. The only mistake I repeatedly made was to keep running after people for all the wrong reasons. I cannot call it love, I call it the greed for love. The greed for attention. No, it doesn’t work, not for me. You have got to know who you are, what you like and what you want. That’s when you can achieve it. Greed is not a good emotion, even if it were for love. God gives us exactly what we want and when we need it.

A week has passed by and I still haven’t found a perspective for what im going through. And I am searching for one. Peace is a wonderful reason to work. Peace or bliss. They both mean the same to me. I have been considering meditation but that’s not anytime before I accept the butterfly, because I am still afraid of it.

Fly away, my little butterfly. Fly so far away from my reach that I am no longer afraid of you. Lol. You know what I am most scared of in a butterfly? Its movement. But coming to think of it I think its kind of beautiful. Its gentle and feminine. Yeah… beautiful, yes. If it really was beautiful then why am I afraid of it?

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Anger

Like all mankind, i have a need to speak. To speak out in the open and to be heard. I shut myself from talking to people because i did not understand what was going on. What was going on in the world. In the world outside of me. I don’t remember when the last time was when i forgot to notice the world. I keep getting confused between the world i live in to the world we share. I feel happy to be clear that there are two worlds that exist, and to be able to say that i know the difference.

I’ve been looking outside my window for as long as i remember, I’ve been looking outside for what i cannot find within. So what is it? I asked myself. Is it a person, or a space, or some love? Is love the beginning of happiness? If so when will i find it? I don’t have time anymore. I can’t tell u where i lost it. But i can tell you that i chose to leave it. I chose to leave it behind and walk away.

I walked out of time. Will u believe me if i said its possible. Will you believe me if i said how. I left time in a place i remember and walked away. A place that was owned by someone else. I took time to realize what i had done to my life, because it was a complicated achievement. To leave behind time, to think of it as a person and to believe and accept that love wasn’t real. I’m not proud of my achievement. It was the beginning of my disastrous life. I’ve been confused from ever since. It took time to obtain clarity in what i was doing, and to understand what exactly i had done to my life. It took about three years.

Three years later here i am, in a place where no one can see. By no one i mean there is someone beyond my reach. But this post isn’t about time, it isn’t about how i lost myself but it’s about anger. It’s about the role anger plays in people’s lives.

What is anger? Its nothing but an emotion. Of all explainable emotions anger is the one that has the most destructive power when in control. To understand anger, we must first explore the role of emotions in our life. Emotion is the state of existence. We must all speak to live. It’s a need. Its a need for mankind to speak and to believe in what he does. To believe in the world we share. To believe in his life, his surroundings, his relationships, his people, himself, his very existence in this world as a person with a name and a life.

We speak because we cannot realize what we think. When we think out loudly we don’t realize that we are changing from one state of emotion to another. This change depends on what happens around you, to you and within you. It depends on what happens to your life. It depends on who you speak to, and what they mean to you. Emotions control your life. It controls the way you speak, what you think, and therefore, takes you forward into the future, it creates your life. It is a known saying that You create your life, but it must be changed to, what you speak changes your life.

If something you expect happens to your life, you feel happy, you feel excited, you walk around the world, jumping with joy, you sing, you rejoice the feeling that you are contained with. If something that you don’t expect happens, and in particular if it is something that you cannot accept, then you feel angry. The emotion always takes control. It determines your action. It determines your word. It determines what you do in reality. You lose control. Most insane people are angry and all angry people are insane. I’ve always known that i was insane. It’s probably because I’ve always been angry. Can you imagine 20 years or more of anger. Where did it rise from? What is the reason behind all that anger that is still left within.

I need to explore more. I need to know more, about myself. About my secrets. About the truth hidden behind a name. I will keep writing. As u know, so will i. Keep you posted.

Attachments

In a world of attachment to be detached, is salvation.

Every animal lives to satisfy its basic need. Food and sex. As humans we need shelter too. These are the inevitable desires of life. There cannot be anyone, who can possibly say “I have no such desires at all!” If they did, that would be a well crafted Lie. We are all animals and we survive only to consume, Reproduce and die. This is our universal need.

We are emotional beings. We need our emotions to be understood and satisfied. Most times, when something is missingĀ in our life, it turns out to be a person, or a job, or a valuable stone, a feeling from the past, or just an imaginary future. Whichever it is, the want always exists. There is always some want or the other, some need, some unfulfilled desire, still leeching on our minds.

Our life is a product of these long term, unfulfilled desires. Once generated in our mind, we subconsciously begin a struggle to satisfy it. Most times, we end up spending our entire life just satisfying it. The funniest part, is that we never get satisfied. Each morning we wake up, we are hungry again.

We are allĀ  needy for love, greedy for sex, thrifty for money and wanting fame. The list of human desires, could only be endless. We imagine all that we want and strive to find it. Some times, we find it. Most times, we just sit down, stuck with a long face with a sensation of being a failure. We become immobile, chaotic, choice less, unsatisfied and suffer emotionally. We are not content with what we are. The result is that, we are caught in a loop and we cannot breakaway from it. We have lost our freedom to the smallest desires of life.

We are beings of fear, Jealousy, Anger, Lethargy and even boredom. This is the reason we are restless. This is the reason our life is completely meaningless.

We are living in an era of Change, welcoming the age of reason. We can attain order, and it can be attained only in reason. It is time to reason the unrealities of life, and accept what is real. We, the people, are a social community, of Friendly yet evil animals. Our world is filled with a great number of this only kind.

In all nature, we have lost the sense of humanity. We are now, Corporates, Brands, Products of fashion, Exhibitors of love, Identities, and most importantly, we are a group of individuals who have achieved economic globalization. Which means, now the entire world comes together to join hands, to smile, and to accept the fact that we live to make money.

The unspoken truth is that we hate each other. We are jealous, envious and angry. There is hate in the air, violence in the atmosphere, and anger in the oxygen we breathe. We are emotionally impure. We are the guilty.

We exist in this material world. In here, we possess everything. We care for our belongings. It doesn’t matter if it were things or people. We demand ownership over everything. We are obsessive and compulsive, over ourselves and everybody else. We constantly want something from everybody. That is the reason we talk to each other.

We have goals. An imaginary finish line. We are all entertainers, performing in front of a grand gallery of spectators. We hear loud roaring noises and it makes us nervous and petrified. We are running as fast as we could. There is always a thought on the mind, we might just trip and fall. We might never wake up again.

These fears exist in us, because we are emotionally insecure and attached to people and ourselves. Emotional attachment is the root cause of the fear of death. Since we love the world so much, we are not ready to part with it at all.

The idea of death, is always unacceptable to our human kind. Why should death be scary at all? If we know it is inevitable that everyone born in this world has to die, then why is it so hard for us to accept it? The root of this problem always returns back to the attachment we have with our own identity. The unique sense we have created to our own name. The belief that our name is real. The belief that “I am” the name i believe.

We don’t care about anybody. We only care about what everybody feels about us. This is how we have transformed into the evils of society. Too bad, we cannot return to being cave men and cave women, covered with tiny bits of leaves and no sense of shame at all. Today, we are civilians and we pretend we don’t have feelings. That is only a lie we project.

The truth is we have feelings. We live in a sexually repressed society. We wish we can be as outgoing as we want to be, but we cannot. We have become the image we wanted to project. We are no more a human person at all. We are calculative, manipulative, pretentious beings, worse than the most dangerous animal in the world. Today, the weak fears the strong, and the strong brings order. We are slaves to hierarchy and to our own minds. This world is playing with Human Respect.

Respect is the highest emotion we can give another animal. Respect is what makes us believe that we are right. People who know it, use it, and get used to using it. People who don’t know it, get used by it.

There is a way out of this mess. It is the way our religion teaches us. This will get us out of the loop we are caught in. The pathway to peace and freedom. To lose all attachments to desire is the only way. To realize all feelings are unreal, is the pathway. To believe, to change, and to let go, is the process to attain nothingness. To understand that we are living in a movie and all that happens is happening in our head, is enlightenment.

Feelings is the by product of an emotional state. As you think, so you feel. As you believe, so you change. Human life is a gift. A gift from the eternal being, to the beings of love. Attachment to any worldly desire is a sin. In a world of attachments, to be detached, is salvation.