The fire in my heart

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got married. These few weeks have been very sweet, blissful and I have been feeling the one feeling I have desired so long for.. loved. Lately I have been thinking that I have taken this love for granted.

Coming from a place as dark as I have been, at no point can I afford to take love for granted. So i have to pull myself together, step outside of my body and understand what is going on. Meditation is a lovely way to do it, some like to meditate.. and some like to blog. I also believe that it’s always good to question yourself. That is one way to find answers you have never thought of…

So when I look into myself, when i come out of my body and try to understand myself, what do I see? What do I understand that I don’t already know??

On the overview, i see a 30 year old woman with a paunch of laziness. I have become stagnant and I have failed to come out of the tiresome feeling of wanting to be loved, even though i have already achieved it.. therefore feeling stagnant.. I constantly find myself accepting more and more things from people who care about me.. i accept gifts, love, and i don’t find myself returning these in any form.. I don’t ever see myself making a choice of love.. there is only a one way movement in my life right now and it’s going right into my womb of happiness.

So far, so good.. but lately i am worried that i have become desirous of material things, and sometimes I find myself unsatisfied and i am still looking for meaning and purpose for my life. So now.. I feel I am back to where I started from. I am where i have always been, i am at my lows seeking my “great perhaps.” Now, What if there was no “great perhaps”? What if all that you had and wanted was just right here in front of you? What would you Do?

So this is how I use my tone of acceptance.. Hmm!! Life is sometimes like a bitter stone that you bite into while you are tasting a sumptuous meal, is it not? You are right there enjoying the spicy taste of indian masala… 😂 and suddenly, you bite into a piece of bitterness and you feel like you want to throw up.. You might even wonder where that piece of bitterness came from?? And why did it come into my life right now?? That is how i feel, sometimes.. bitterly yours. There is this thought lurking around in my mind that I am desiring more than I require, that I feel greedy for material things.

I remember a friend telling me this at my darkest hour. It’s not something I could ever forget. She said.. you only get the love that you think you deserve. At many times i have learnt that this quote was actually true.. I accept only what i think i deserve…

Lately, all that I can think of is the perfect mirror that I want in the bedroom and the additional beautiful mirror that i want in our bathroom which has got to be lit up in the right direction which would make us see all of our beauty and all of our flaws. I want the perfect dining table that has a bench for kids to sit on… I want a loveseat for me and my partner to cozy around at home… the list of my wants is endless.. I am worried that I am desiring all these things out of greed and I am not even sure if my partner wants the same. Just yesterday i was telling my partner that I have seen so many beautiful homes in my life and that I admire them so much.. and naturally i want my home to be something like that.. but before I nag my husband into buying the things I desire and asking him to do the things I want, I just want to understand why I want the things I want.. i wonder why having a beautiful home is necessary and i am worried that i am looking for a beautiful home out of my desire to look beautiful?? Some.of you might think this thought is absolutely bizarre.. and it probably is.. but this thought puts me back on track.. to look beautiful is my actual quest anyway.. so if having a beautiful home is not going to make me beautiful then what is? I guess i have somewhere in my literal journeys of life, decided dedicate my life to being beautiful and that is like the thing that lights my way in all of its darkness.. “would you light my way…??” With great love #methe #audioslave

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Things i think about at 2 am

Lately the only thing that has been clouding my mind is my wedding. Yes. I too have decided to embark upon that giant, massive, joint journey of life, and i am beginning to wonder if i am the right person for it. I was at a shopping mall yesterday, it was quite late and my fiance called me up. My fear level shot up a little high and i even thought i needn’t answer the call but eventually i did. But Why did i have to? Anyway, I was too afraid to answer the call because i knew i did not have to be at a shopping mall at 10:00 PM.

Honestly, i have been at worse places at that hour, so a shopping mall is not a bad place to be, according to me. But in a south Indian middle class household, these things are a shocker and my fiance is not the “baby you stay out as long as you want” type, he is more of a “dear, what are you doing in the middle of the night(10:00PM), outside, what if something happens to you” type. Honestly i want to be more attracted to the second type, because that is the type that wanted to marry me. So anyway, i got angry with him because i was scared. (???)

and i know this is my pattern. i have always been angry when i do wrong things. I am also angry when i don’t get what i want. and i am angry when people make me feel insecure. also, i am angry when i don’t know what to do.. Some people might ask, why do you get so angry? that is exactly the question for which i am seeking an answer.

people always tell me.. why do i over analyze things? why do i over think? And to all those born geniuses i want to say, some people want to know why we do what we do, some people want to know the meaning of their own emotions. Some people like me! who just does things without the thought of whether it should be done or not. It reminds me of the time when i grabbed a girls boob. It was one of the worst and the most embarrassing things i have done.. I am not proud of it, i am sick of it. I want you to know that i have done sick things in my life but on the contrary to what my ex boyfriend always said I want you to know that things change, people change, Ideas change, everything about life changes and you should take full responsibility for it. People should always think about what they do. Whether it is right or wrong.. we should all take a moment to think about, analyse and even understand what we are about to do, before we do anything that might affect us emotionally. Because there are things we do and forget and then there are things we do and never forget.

Time is always waiting for us. There is always time to do everything we want. That’s the knowledge i did not have last night. Had someone told me relax buddy do the shopping tomorrow i would not have gone out at night.. or gotten angry with someone who still doesn’t know me so well. Its not his fault. I don’t know myself too well too. So, going back to my analysis. (blogging is cheaper than talking to psychiatrists)

Anyway, why do i get angry? That million dollar question.. Hm.. I don’t know dude! Its just what i do. May be because i have always seen my mother get angry and get away with it and some where i had thought, i too can get angry and get away with it. And for many years i have, except one day when my best friend walked away from my life. I could never forgive myself after that but it was a very valuable lesson. It taught me to appreciate love.

Nothing scares me like the thought that i am not beautiful. So, i want myself to know that anger makes me ugly. Love makes me beautiful and it is simply my choice to choose how i want to be. Stories within stories dude.. nice awakening.

Have a great day y’all.