Be yourself

Its difficult. You know, its difficult to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you and trying to make you different. In a world that keeps telling you what is good and what is bad, what you should do and what you should not, I think its important to learn to listen to your own heart. I think its important to stay calm and choose wisely. I must develop an aptitude to not just listen to myself but others as well. I must learn to listen to what everyone says without losing my own mind. Its not a gift I was born with, nobody is born with an ability to accept or to listen but eventually we all realize it. Children should be taught how to think while they are still young because unfortunately I had to learn in the hard way.

Last night i went to an art of living guru pooja and I am not not sure if everyone likes me there because in the end while I was talking to someone, a small kid came to me and asked “if I still haven’t left?” I felt hurt because I thought may be they didn’t want me there. I have a lot of inhibitions and fears. I hate it when people tell me that I have psychological problems. At those times I wish god will magically turn the table around and make them see how mad they are themselves. These aren’t light thoughts and I am not in a light mood.

Why do I always feel like someone hates me? Perhaps because i hate myself. I hate myself for many reasons, because i get angry, because i control people who are even older than me. I can never be free(?)

I wonder if all people have inhibitions and fears about themselves. If yes, then I wonder how they manage their lives or even themselves. I have my own method but its so difficult to impel my plans into reality and i am somewhere between giving up and giving in but I now wonder to who or to where. Its a nice world out there. Life is a good journey. One of the best journeys I have ever embarked upon. Thanks a lot jimmy, without you this aloneness may never have been possible.

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Imagination is more important than knowledge.

They say life is but a dream, I wonder if dreams will do it’s job on its own. I am too young to die and too tired to live. I am in that place where i wish there was a somewhere else. I dreamed about a world in which I was granted wings to fly. If I could fly… What a world that would be? Would be something, wouldn’t it be?

I would no longer be a prisoner to my dreams. The fears inside my heart wouldn’t last for over a moment.. Life will never be the same ever. How long do fears really last, I wonder. Im afraid It could for even a lifetime. I have to do this and I have to do this quick, for there is no more time, says my broken self.

If I could fly, I’d be the only one, and I’d be super. I’d no longer be tied to earth, after all, I’d have important things to seek up above.

If I could fly I’d never come back down to earth, because there’d be nothing left for me to do here. I might look for answers to many questions, perhaps in a wind I find from inside the grey clouds. Perhaps a wind that is waiting to pour. I’d fly just as fast as the wind, and just as slow. I’d ride on rainbows and feel the clouds. I would be one step closer to being a child forever, one step closer to god, and just one step away from everything else.

Last but not the least, if I could fly.. I’d not give up that life for anything. It may not be the best thing that could have happened to me, but it will be.

Weird attempts at poetry

Too tired to live, too tired to die,
If there was a place somewhere else, or perhaps if I could fly. If I could fly… What a world this would be? A woman with wings.. Flying over the roof and into the sky… Hm.. May be a lot of us born with a tiny small wing? Huh? Evolution has done strange things, it made us.. Didn’t ut? It could make these angel like creatures too..

Imagine a world where some girls are born with tiny wing that would grow as they do… 😁 yes, there would be angels in the world. It would be an era to remember. Perhaps an era that would change the world forever.

Hm.. 😫 What else can flying women do apart from free-flying? We can carry someone but that will be a just a burdenous task. May be we could have flying jobs. Like carry messages? Like pigeons from the medieval period? May be women born with wings should have a superpower like.. They can heal diseases by their touch, or their hair could transform into a magical potion that can cure any disease and ailment.
That’ll be awesome.

So, its nice to imagine that these angels could one day be born into this world and transform our world into a magical field. You know this should be the future. There is magic and its happening right before your eyes.
Btw, I suck at poetry..

Cheers have a good day.
Mk. 🍻 👍

Some kind of monster

I’m a huge fan of Metallica. I think its the one band that creates the type of music that matches my emotions. Its exactly me. Sometimes I find myself alone, perhaps after a lot of crying feeling that i don’t want to cry anymore even though I realize that nothing has changed. In that moment i am no longer some kind of a monster.. I am no longer angry about the things that i cant change, In that moment i settle down and accept it. No matter how painful the issue may be, you have to just accept it because this is what god wants for you.

You have no right to change what god wants for you. You have no power over god. You only have the power to ask, to wish, to feel or to want but beyond that, you have got to accept it. It is in moments like these that I think that life is beautiful. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

There is a lot going on in my body that requires to be healed. I need to pray to god. I think it will work better if I included prayers in my daily routine. Even 60 year old people struggle without a routine, I am happy. I have always believed in the things which I believe today. The only mistake I repeatedly made was to keep running after people for all the wrong reasons. I cannot call it love, I call it the greed for love. The greed for attention. No, it doesn’t work, not for me. You have got to know who you are, what you like and what you want. That’s when you can achieve it. Greed is not a good emotion, even if it were for love. God gives us exactly what we want and when we need it.

A week has passed by and I still haven’t found a perspective for what im going through. And I am searching for one. Peace is a wonderful reason to work. Peace or bliss. They both mean the same to me. I have been considering meditation but that’s not anytime before I accept the butterfly, because I am still afraid of it.

Fly away, my little butterfly. Fly so far away from my reach that I am no longer afraid of you. Lol. You know what I am most scared of in a butterfly? Its movement. But coming to think of it I think its kind of beautiful. Its gentle and feminine. Yeah… beautiful, yes. If it really was beautiful then why am I afraid of it?

More in detail about my ritual of self image

Self image is an idea about yourself. About who you think you are, who you want to be and your choices with regard to that. My confusion is here, written in bold. Do i have to choose something because it suits me or do I have to choose something because I like it. My priority is simple. I want to be beautiful, and for that I realize that im going to have to be decent. I respect my self, my age, and as the age old saying goes, we are not growing any younger. Agreed! So its time to make changes, time to choose wisely. Time to understand who you are and what you want to do.

I’ve been thinking that decency suits me. Decency in a sense of fashion, style and art. According to me decency is a fabulous choice. To clear the pain off my mind I need to understand why I am attracted to junkies, hippies or rebellious attitudes towards life. Well, first of all because its beautiful. Hippies and junkies do what they do and they are still stylish and sexy. So why cant i be like them? You can, but first you need to be yourself.

Somewhere deep down inside my heart I am still missing khaleel. My life has entirely changed and still however i don’t feel the time that is passing by. Perhaps because i am still in love with him. I also feel sorry for him because i know i will be happy and i wish he was around to feel the same. I have definitely wavered off topic but i just want to let myself know that he is happy and that is the only reason he has moved on. Why is that so difficult to understand? Because i still wonder if he loves me. !!!

I hate that he thought i am absolutely zero percent creative. I think he believes that only creative people or hippie cultured women are beautiful. I think they are sexy and to the contrary, that i am beautiful. To me that’s all that matters.

This is my life, I am simple and decent. These are my life choices. The things I want to do are films, social and animal service, take care and make a lovely family. This is my life and I am going to build myself slowly and steadily. My choices are clear, my self-image is created. In case I ever get lost or feel confused I can always come back and read this again. Writing is a culture that I totally embrace. ✌ I hope you all realize why it is important to have a self image, because that is your guideline to informed choices. Choose wisely as it gives freedom to your soul and lets you wander without a worry in the world.

So to answer that question, do i have to choose what suits me or choose what i like. I am like vicki from irobot, my logic is undeniable. So my answer is simple, Change your likes, always like what is good because being good suits you. 😁

Have a nice evening.
Work hard, play well.
Cheers. 🍻

Learn to let go..

When I was young I used to hold on to my mothers hair while going to sleep but it became inconvenient for her so one night she asked me to hold on to her saree. That feeling knowing that she was somewhere close by would make me feel so secure and protected from all the monsters in the world. 😊

When I started to sleep alone I used to bring both my hands together, pray to god and I would refuse to let go of my hands because I thought as long as my hands were together in prayer, god will save me from any kind of monster. I still do that sometimes. 😁

No matter how old you get there are a few things that will always scare you. Falling of a roof, ghosts, heart attacks, getting hurt, being heart broken, rejection, failures and last but not the least, butterflies. 😣

Ever since I started a journey in direction, I have been learning a lot. The monsters in my mind are no longer simple structures like ghosts but its more complicated stuff about life. The feeling that I am from a middle class family makes me sad. So I want to work hard to become successful and when its at stake I feel afraid.

I make plans. I make plans for the future and for my work but plans don’t always work and sometimes I am afraid of that.

When my plan is rejected I feel bummed with sadness. But now that has changed. A lot of that has changed. I know that if something doesn’t work out, I can always think of something new. I never knew that before. I also realize that its good to follow other people’s plans and ideas if its acceptable. As long as I know that im gonna be okay Life remains a joyous ride and its so awesome when I see myself smile. 😊

So… it is sometimes hard to let go of your ideas and this isn’t only about work, this equation can be applied with relationships as well. If something doesn’t work out you have to think of something new because one of the most important things to do in life is to keep on moving forward.

Cheers,
Mk. 💪

Who to be and who not to be?

This fight in my mind started because of a small confusion. I had gone out to meet a friend and in all intentions, I wanted to wear traditional clothes but I ended up wearing something sexy. You should know that women don’t think sexy as a bad thing. We think sexy as just a word. A word that means nothing but I suppose its about time we realize what “sexy” in “fashion” really means. I am trying to convince my mind to choose the word decent over sexy, in the sense of “fashion”. 🙅

So it was just another evening I was invited to meet a friend at a public place and I decided to wear something a little bit sexy. In the end, I did not look good. I know it because we took some pictures and I looked a little bit on the lines of ugly. 😐 It’s been over one month since that happened and I am still not over it. I finally have convinced myself that when it comes to my fashion choices, I want to be decent. I hope this helps all women, because choice is the secret when it comes to almost all things in life and knowing how to choose fashion is kind of important.

Anyway, on further thoughts, i think it is necessary for women my age to accept who they are in all ways. Its not just about choosing to be decent in fashion. Its about everything, from words to lifestyle habits, to food. I have got to learn how to be decent with food. P:s: Its a story that I will never tell.

Acceptance is kind of like the emotion I am going through right now. I have to accept my age, my skin tone, my choices, my body, my emotions. Yes, there is a lot of acceptance that needs to happen in order for me to be happy. But on the other side I remember all the people from my past, the life that I have lived, not that I ever looked good living that life, but I was happy and its hard to accept that my life is no longer the same. 😢

Its difficult to make life changing choices and to live it. Sometimes I think of myself as a genius, at other times, I know that I am stupid for reasons I cannot even begin to explain. Failure is a pretty doomed feeling. My failures make me weak. I am not able to do my work every time I break out realizing what a failure I am.

According to the ritual of self image, one must know who they are. You can determine your self image and in fact you must. So how do you do that? You have got to know what type of person you are, are you a good person or a bad person? Are you a happy person or a sad person? What is your fashion? What are your goals? What would you like to do? What matters to you? Who are you? What do you like in food? You pretty much have to have these and more questions answered in order to live the life that you have always wanted. Are you a strong person? Or a soft person? What are your weaknesses? How would you like your appearance to be? Visualize everything, and be surprised when you see it all happen right in front of your eyes. This isn’t my theory, its the theory of self image. So that’s why it is important that one works on their own self image.

So why dont iI ask myself right now? Am I a failure? Or am I a successful person? Who do i want to be? Some question are worth beinganswered.

Cheers,
Mk.

The emptiness inside my heart. I decided to fill it up with words.

Some moments in life are thick. Like waking up to an unknown chill or taking a walk by the stones on the seashore. And some moments are thin, like cleaning your room several thousand times and still finding that the dirt lurks around exactly where you always find it.

There is no attachment to neither of these worlds. Where is my morning sunshine when I wake up by 6 am? How long do I have to wait for it? I am absolutely mind blasted by having to wait for every little thing. Despite the fact that the entire universe functions at its pace, I want to be faster than it all.

I have waited long enough for most things and never received it. May be im angry and given up but that ridiculous hope inside my heart.. I don’t know if I should pity it or admire it. I am going to learn to make it my whole life.

How many times have I woken up this exact same time everyday, many many years ago. It was the most annoying thing I had to do when I had to wake up and go to school. I always looked forward for the future. Here I am, still looking forward for it. How silly of us to sometimes offer one of the most amazing parts of our life to some one or something so ridiculous.

This must be the first time I am openly regretting for all the years I spent being in love with people in the hope of forever. There is no “forever” in love. There is only work as hard as you can to keep yourself and everyone around you happy. Or give up and die.

Superwoman says there is a stage six in a break up. The stage of floating. The last and final stage where you swim back to the surface and float.. Apparently its a fun stage. I’d like to see that happen. Is that a good idea? Is it healthy? Only time will tell.

As of now, all that I can say is im catching up on my ritual of early awakening and it feels pretty damn good so far.

Cheers, Good morning,
Mk.

The things i have to do, to stay calm and not cause a genocide.

Life is so annoying. 😂 mostly because I am single. Not that I don’t want to get married but I just want to get married to the right person. Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a single girl to find the right person. To live with all that existing pressure and to choose someone good. I am so exhausted that i no longer want to think, I just want to drown without a word into a pool full of my own sorrow.

I wish it was that easy. You work so hard upon finding the perfect guy to marry and fall in love with. You feed him your heart and soul and strongly hope that you will never have to look for love elsewhere, ever again, but then he turns out to be a jerk, who wont work, who isn’t responsible, he turns out to be in simple words, a young boy trapped inside a grown man’s body who is looking for the little things in life… 😢 How cute. Yes, its all beautiful till you see someone who is strong and tough and works so hard and your mind wanders/wonders “why cant i have that?”

Choices, life is all about choices. You walk into a supermarket and what do you see? You see choices. You see different kinds of food, different kinds of clothes, different kinds of lifestyles and what do you do? You choose. Its just likely that we choose what we think is best for us. Life is all about the choice we make. And I chose integrity, love and passion. Hell, I chose hell. Why couldn’t I have chosen hard working man with great body?

Where am I now? I am back home, from where I began almost ten years ago. What a trip? Life is a trip, innit? It really is. Along the way we make these amazing choices that lead us to our destiny. ❤

Prayer time: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

I am sick. Sometimes I am on my bed crying to myself, inside my mind, “I am not well, does anybody realize it” and there’s is nothing that I can do to help myself. Except, wait for the pain to pass and I wake up to continue what I have to do.

Where is all the love and fun and boyfriends? Where are all the promises and dreams we made together? The truth is you are alone today and you will be forever. There is nothing to be scared about in this, people are always around you but nobody can live your life for you. Nobody can take your pain or sorrow or happiness, they are all yours to take. 😐

No matter how close you think one might be, their relationship ends outside of your mind. That’s why people always say that you must learn to develop a relationship with god, because god alone can “only” be your “eternal” friend. This would make more sense to you if you learn to build a relationship with god.

Cheers,
Mk.

This thought about life and death.

A lot of people would not be interested in having this talk. The talk about death. I don’t know why, I think people are so engrossed in their life that they don’t want to think about death. May be because they are afraid, may be because they think it is not going to happen anytime soon, so why think about it?

This thought in my mind about death, started with the movie fight club. Its one of the many movies that I have enjoyed, loved and thought was delicious; soul satisfying. A part of that movie touched my soul, it reached to the inside of my subconscious mind and told me that if you want to live fearlessly, you’re going to have to know that one day you are going to die. When i heard that line, i thought it was probably true, and that was it. I still wonder if its important to know that one day i am going to die.

“Fearlessly” to me means “without being afraid of butterflies”. Because I have overcome many fears, fear of life, darkness, height, but its this fear, the fear of butterflies, that I really want to overcome because its irrational. I want to know why i am afraid of it.

So, this is crazy, i wonder, if i realize that I am going to die one day, then may be i wont be afraid of butterflies anymore. Perhaps i can see how beautiful these creatures are instead of being afraid of them. I saw one today, it was really gorgeous, it was small, and it was exactly like a paper flying in the wind but it had life. It was beautiful, I thought. Ps: I am seeing a doctor, asap, with regard to my fear.

So once again about death. My friend died, he killed himself. Life is so hard, its easier to die than to struggle, perhaps that’s what he thought before taking such a crazy decision. I don’t agree. I wish I had called him at least once in these 6 months, to check on how he is doing. Not that I could have made a difference to his life, but I just wish I had done that.

Life is hard, i agree. Each person with their own fight but I think that’s what is awesome about life. Anyway, its just weird knowing how different people think differently.

There is more to life my dear, did it not strike you that there is so much more to do? How could you put an end to what you didn’t begin?

What did he think? He was just smart enough to escape old age? I still think it was one of the most stupid decisions he has ever made. God helps those who help themselves. You have to work hard to make a life for yourself. Its not easy, but its not difficult either. My father says life is pre written. Things happen the way it does because that’s how its meant to be. God creates your destiny even before you step feet into this world. I wonder if its true.

Love you a lot chandroo, i will always miss you now.
😢