I’ve decided to write every week about something meaningful, something that sums up the emotions I have about the things that I keep inside my heart.
This week its about growing up and how to deal with it. I was in my 7th or 8th standard when I had this thought which I am about to explain.
It was just another day in school, I was half awake and half dreaming. I remember this so well, my head was on the writing desk. I was probably too tired and trying to sleep. Maybe i have thought of about this longer than i know, but this is where it all started from.
That day, I thought that when I grow up i will magically change. That one day, one morning, may years from now, I will wake up and that I would have become fair, magically, like in the fairy tales. I have the normal south indian wheatish skin.
After all this time and at 28, I realize, that this thought of mine has in fact become true. I have transformed physically and mentally.
It didn’t happen overnight as I thought it would but it happened over a period of time. I want to believe that it happened after my boyfriend broke up with me. I have had many break ups, so being heartbroken is not new to me. But being heartbroken and strong is new to me.
Not having him in my life was making me feel weak and lonely and i slowly started working on the promises I had to keep and I kept rebuilding myself as well. I realized my mistakes, i knew where i had gone wrong. I learnt not one but many lessons, above all i learnt to value love.
Slowly and eventually, i realized something that I never knew about myself. I realized that i was beautiful. I think it makes a lot of sense to say that im 28 years old and I have spent many years of my life being ugly. I would look into the mirror and I would not be able to recognize the person that I saw. After school I kind of became ugly. I didn’t know why but it made me sad. I started hating myself. I spent my entire life hating myself and fell in love just to boost my confidence. I never realized that being single was a fun thing to be.
But all of that has changed. I like life. I am happy. I love people. I love work.
Beauty is illusional. The world is illusional. Beauty is like the reflection you see on a lake. It only exists as long as the objects of reflection are there. My objects of reflection are love, acceptance and patience. To me being beautiful is a choice. When the world threw its shit upon me, i chose to be beautiful.
I think there is beauty in acceptance. There is beauty in patience and love. There is beauty in kindness and affection. There is beauty in elegance. I am a photographer I find beauty in almost everything.
So I tell myself that growing up is the best kind of beautiful there ever is. The mind never gets exhausted from learning. Life is a fascinating play ground. 😵
I have many times noticed myself staring at the playground in my school. Because outside the playground was a big white house with black windows and my mother told me that the house belonged to an actress. Everytime I was playing sometimes I would look at that house and realize that I am inside a school and that the real world was outside, somewhere else. The school is over long ago and the child in me is still alive. I still stare at everything around me in awe and tell myself that the real world is outside.
So.. Life is a fascinating play ground and I find myself lazy to play, which I have been since I was a child. I am moody, stubborn, lazy and depressed. Sometimes I tell myself that I like being that way but that is only because i am hopelessly depressed. There is another side to me where I am amazingly enthused. 😫
Finding a Balance between these two states is what growing up is going to be like for me. Finding a balance between hopelessly depressed and amazingly enthused. I wonder what that would be…
I will keep observing this world as lng as I can.. I also notice that growing up has an effect on people. Each persons choice defines and shapes their character. I am extremely interested in this subject of study for which I still haven’t even found a name. Human analysis? Life histories? Character sketch? Friendship? Love?
Its always about love isn’t it? 😜