Love seems to be the most important thought on my mind and it is ruling my life. So when I ask myself why I keep falling in love.. It is not just a question to think about but a life changing thought because i often find myself caught helpless in the pain of love.
Love. How mysterious and beautiful. I only have one problem with it. I don’t like to be in it because I never win in life when I am in love. I am one of those people who just cannot wake up from the call of love or desire. But I am getting better at picking myself up and moving on. Love has become an ongoing problem to me. So I’d like to solve it.
Why do we keep falling in love? I was in my first standard when I first remember falling in love, then again at fourth, then again at different times of life and the story still goes on. ✌
My first love was a mysterious moment. Like I said, I was in my first standard and we were walking in a long line, following each other, coming back from the games field and headed to our classroom. It was a long line, we must have been 50 in number. There was this guy called Steve brooks. Steve was an anglo indian, who was rumoured to be originally from Australia.. I am a south indian and i thought he was cute. He was gross in an adorable way. Everybody hated him in class, which is probably why i liked him. There was also Angela vas. The most beautiful girl in class. She also had a liking for Steve.
Angela vas, was also the class bully, well according to me. She made fun of people’s appearances. And there was a gang of Anglo indian girls who would laugh at her jokes, making her seem like some kind of a boss. Sometimes I thought she was sweet and sometimes I thought she was rude.
So back to my mysterious moment.. we were walking back from PT, to the classroom in a long line, and I “imagined” Steve pull Angela by her hand and talk to her by the stone.. There was a huge stone, that I have noticed in the play ground, by which I thought, they stood and talked.. I can still see that moment from my memory. However, I know that it was imaginary.
I don’t know exactly how or why I had imagined that but when we reached the class room, angela talked to me. And I usually didn’t like to Talk back to anyone. But she was the class bully.. So for some reason I told her that Steve told me that he loved me and she bursted out laughing. She told the entire class that Steve loved me and everyone laughed with her. I had no idea what I had done. It escalated to my teacher, Sister Leena.
Sister Leena asked me if this was true. And I said yes, It was Infact, and also that he told me that he’d take me to Australia when his parents come down to visit him. Sister Leena was amused. I guess people don’t expect first standard kids to fall in love.
I’m sure they all knew that I lied. They called my parents and told them that I’ve cooked up a story like this. She took me to the staff room and had me say the entire story again and again.. I even told the story to my parents. My parents believed me but I don’t think sister Leena did.. And Infact i think she wanted to know why I was cooking this story..
I think perhaps we all know why.. I cared a lot about Steve. I can say that it was in this moment that I fell in love with him. This may sound hilarious, but it isn’t.
Because I have been carrying this thought since the first standard and I am able to understand it only now. I have seen Steve’s photograph many times on facebook. He is currently married and has a child. I’ve tried looking for Angela vas. And I don’t think she is in India. I also think the reason I made up that story was because I believed that Angela and Steve were together. How insecure of me.
I have many such stories of these type of moments.. Moments of confusion or ecstasy, unforgettable because of its mysterious nature.
I have never been in a peaceful relationship. Most times my relationships turned out to be painful or nightmarish..
Because of the lack of understanding or that the feelings were not mutual.
I have gone a great deal to realize how important it is to understand these things. But sometimes I still remain stuck on a boat in the middle of a sea and find it impossible to move forward. I wonder if im not brave enough or if I am just too closed a mind. It hurts me to think that I have to move on from the people I love. I get too attached to people and memories. But life is not just about one person or one moment. Life is a series of moments.
To be continued…