Looking for peace at night.

Hi. My name is Yamini. Im 28 years old today. Very often I tell myself that time does not exist. I have been talking to an actor about Maya. But he is so busy that I hardly get to talk to him and he is the only person I know who agreed in the existence of Maya. From time to time, my understanding of Maya has changed.

In the beginning as everyone I also believed that Maya is an illusion. But having heard the story of narada, I had come to the conclusion that Maya is time, the human bondage, The family ties that keeps you grounded to this world. If you didn’t have to live life the conventional way, what would you do? would you perhaps be a vagabond, travelling the seas and the lands of earth seeking the great unknown. Is maya the reason for you to stay put and work hard and to evolve physically and mentally. Perhaps. But Lately, I have been thinking that Maya is change. Thanks to the great actor, who I’ve never seen or met, I believe that Maya is the change a body goes through.
I have always believed in slow and gradual change. Happy people create happy faces and unhappy people create an unhappy face. There is nothing more to it. You are as you feel. Time is a very slow process that you can almost see every moment of change.

Its been a few years now that I have been single. I think that this is the first time in my entire adult life that im comfortably single. I did not say im happily single. But then, How hard is it to be happy when you have the unconditional love of your family. I am happy. But I can be happier if things worked out the way I wanted them to. “Acceptance is a small and quite room.” I read this quote to my mom earlier today.

I work hard. But it doesn’t seem to be enough. I also know that you cant wake up one day and hope to be successful in your career. Hard work takes time. And so I work hard everyday. Little by little im watching myself grow. May be one day I will be a successful director. Hot shot industry person. Hmm, that’s the hope. I used to be a junkie, and I used to be very proud of that. But now i have changed and im so happy that I have had this painful realization of life. Life is easy. You simply have to work hard to get what you want. 😊

Love. As long as there is love in your life, nothing really matters. But that doesnt mean if you are not in love you are a miserable failure. Believe me, I think that way all the time. But, hey, I change. I understand and change, and here I am telling myself something very important. I’ve fallen in love too many times to believe that love is the end of the world. Let me rephrase myself. I have failed in love too many times to believe that love is the end of the world. There were times in life when I had nothing to live for but love. Meaning i spent my entire adolescence and childhood in the hope, embracement or the hate speech about how hard it is to be in love with someone who does not feel the same way. Or how much i love the person who is not in my life anymore. I see patterns. The exact same patterns of failure to understand life.

Today, @28, I realize that love is not everything. There is more to life. There are people and feelings. And to be considerate of people’s feelings is a
Full time job.

I have always been in love with someone Or the other. Its funny how ironic it is that my last boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn’t sure if I was in love with someone(him) or the other (his friend). 😣 These things happen. This is what your twenties are for. So you can fail in love and learn to love your family as much as they love you. Which is impossible to reach if we had to weigh down their feelings on a scale.

Its true. I am lonely. But then I have you. My eternal friend. With you I can share my feelings and be understood and that means a lot to me. They say worry is a misuse of imagination, so they said and I believe. Sleeping in the corner of a non-air conditioned room in kalahasthi and spending time with family. I think this is the best way to live. In prayers with god. This is where it all started and this is where it all makes sense. Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. 😊 Good night.


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