‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

This is one of those extremely brainy quotes that i have read and has never left my mind. It always means right at every point of time in life. Not in my wildest imaginations did i even think that i would have to move on from that relationship. It hurts me to even think it.

It was a beautiful relationship actually, if you think about it. We were what i call the in between bond between break up and love. He was in love with my best friend and i was with his. We were friends all though i had a secret desire for him. I had kept it a secret because i thought he was way out of my league.

I honestly never knew what he looked like but i liked him. I thought he was sweet, loving and dangerous. I liked the fact that he was dangerous. He played with fire like he knew what it was. He was like a best friend. It was at that point that i mistook him for a friend, rather than seeing him for what he was. My boyfriend.

Somewhere along the way, in love, we lose ourselves to become someone else. Someone we are not, someone who we imagine to be. I am guilty of wearing a snake skin and giving him a lady bug.

I was too shy, that was my veil. Turns out i dont need that veil. Thanks to james and his “wonderful current” i am no longer scared of butterflies because i think they’re beautiful. I have a ton of memories that feels like yesterday and you bet it always will.

I want to thank him for all those amazing times, the junk, the love and everything. I wish i had more of “everything” I will always miss him. His presence, his warmth, his nature. Him.

I really cared about him and wanted to build a life for us but it turns out, i didnt know what i was doing. Like dumbledore says in harry potter.. “It does not do well to dwell in dreams potter” Well it doesn’t.

Besides, all those conversations are unforgettable. When i look back, all i’d remember are those conversations. Random, loose, and meaningful. It feels like a movie called “BREAKING UP” Its a mokka movie btw. But it feels like that. Confused and meaningless.

We were both great film fans. He introduced me to war films. He made me see what i could never see before. I would never forget what he said about the dialogue from the movie 300, he said that it moved him and he doesn’t understand that.

“My love, My wife, My queen.” I know what he felt. I wish i had always known that. I wish i could have told him all the ways that i love him. I wish that i loved him in the way he was meant to be loved but may be he is happy being where he is and i find great love in the acceptance of this.

I love you my sweety. “My love, My baby. My khaleel.” You would always mean the world to me. Someday i will let you know that i care for you too.

Good bye. Abandon Ship.