This is and will always be a stark memory. We were sitting by the infamous generator room of a coffee shop in the heart of the city and we were happy. Which never happens with me because I’m perennially sad. Moving on.
One strange day while i was sitting alone and waiting for this stranger/best friend, he arrived with a foot ball in his hand. For a 29 year old it was weird to hang out with a foot ball i thought. Anyway that day, unlike all the other days, i had a camera in my hand and we ended up taking selfies of each other (the word had not-yet been invented).
Now that we broke up, every time i look at those pictures, i realize that those were the only few pictures i have of us together and i feel a weird kind of sad. The kind when i don’t know that i’m happy. I feel so burdened when i realize our friendship. I feel the need to write this down because its hard to remember that story.
Our relationship was like a motor-cycle ride. A really long motorcycle ride. Say you had to travel from goa to chennai on a bike and you were out of cash and all you had was fuel and an olden-type motorcycle that is a lion by the winds of the sun.
I’m going to tell you a story now. We started our journey thinking that it would be extraordinary, but inside his heart he was afraid, because he had no idea how this ride was going to be, and i was just excited because i was with him.
He rolled his bike into the highway, the wind and the dry heat were slowly making its presence felt, the sun was scorching my back and a few miles later our engine seized. We were abused by the on-going traffic, he was confused and we hadn’t a clue about what was going on.
God bless his strong mind i thought but i was still pissed off because all that i wanted to do was relax. I would have preferred staying at goa itself. Anyway, he fixed the bike and we were out rolling on fire and on the last day it began to rain and he rode like he didn’t care.
The ride went on for three days, it rained every two hours, and occasionally the sun came out and tanned my skin. I did not even know that bike-rides had pit-stops.
Love is unexplainable. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand it and i now realize that love is a conversation. Its an endless conversation between two people, two minds, that truly care for each other.
Is it a sin to move on? Because as long as we were together i had no such emotional feelings towards him and i only felt insecure around him and suddenly when i know that he is gone i miss him. I also have questions like, there are one million people in this city and we need not have met at all but we did and now its over, what was all that time supposed to mean?
Was it a lesson? Or was it something that i created for myself? Did i want him to leave me and go? If i wanted all of this to happen, then why does it hurt?
I have almost forgotten him. When i see him somewhere, i feel scared. I don’t know why. It brings me back to that age-old thought about love. Cant live with someone and cant live without.
Sometimes i think feelings are the same for all of us, especially when we’re in love. I think, i feel so far away from him that seeing him makes me realize how close we really are. Is it possible that he knows how i feel? Or is he just wandering about aimlessly without a care in the world about what I’m thinking. I really think i should just forget him and move on, but in my heart i know all our struggles were for each other and for one purpose. Why would i want to hurt or destroy something so pure?