If i had to count the reasons for hatred, there would be many. Just because i feel like i can control my anger, let me go through that memory lane and try and remember all the reasons for hate. My mother, My family, Money and all my severe failures in love. All the rejection, all the embarrassment. Well, its easy to resent but hard to love.
Beauty is that of a mind. My mind is made of many valuable thoughts. In reality i feel stubborn and angry. I know the reasons. They were not easy to understand. Anyway, i realized that anger is not beautiful and that in fact its stupid because like all humans, i too have an immense desire to give love and to share affection. However i value the ability to distance myself and watch the show.
Hatred begins when fear crawls in by the back door. Imagination is the most amazing and obscure element of life. All animals have imagination. I have seen dogs scratching their back on the roads at night, when no one is watching. I recently saw a donkey scratch its throat on a barricade. The ability to perceive an idea is imagination. No one, man or animal, can perform a task without being able to imagine it first. Anyway Imagination being an obscure element kindles my interest. Because it is imagination that creates fear.
What are the things one could possibly fear. Some may fear failing in exams. Some, not having money. Some people like me, who have a phobia, could be afraid of a possible threat in the environment. BUt however rational or irrational the fear may be, it arises from an idea. The question is what is that idea?
Love. A taboo relationship. An illegal affair. The ability to do something without knowing what you are doing. The mind. A butterfly.
The mind is beautiful. Why would i not understand that? Why am i afraid of it? Because its not really a mind now is it? No of course not, its my mother I’m talking about. The reason i have to get it out is because i want to be done with my fear once and for all. After all, i want to enjoy the nature. I don’t want to sit in a park with my hands on my ears, feeling afraid that a butterfly might come from nowhere.
No. I don’t want to be scared. Is there a way for me to not care about it. If the butterfly only acts as an ultimate reminder of myself then understanding that the world is not real is the only way to overcome the fear. But how do i do it? I could feel unattached to the people. I could get married. What a tricky time of life? Hatred begins when fear crawls in through the back door. I have got to think of more options.
I could feel unattached to the people. That’s impossible. I am not going to give up on family drama. There is nothing more beautiful than that. If there was a way for me to simply realize that i am not afraid of those stupid butterflies, it would make my life more simple. The problems is i dont know what it means.