I am a very negative person. I never believed it when my director told me that i was. I thought he was imposing a thought on me, or perhaps, he is speaking about himself.
But the truth is unavoidable. We all know the truth. It is not away from our reach, its what we always know, whether you are awake or asleep. The truth is like a mirror, it sits in front of you and shows you what you are.
So, finally i agree that i am a negative person. I am responsible for all my failures. In life, emotionally, and omnipotently. I am responsible for my body, my mind and the happiness of my soul. Failing to feel good is lack of responsibility for yourself.
My feelings are controlled by no one. Not what i hear, not what i see, not what i think. Words have no effect on me, because i don’t believe in words anymore. There is something beyond what can be told and that alone shall i believe, anymore.
Negative feelings are created by none other than yourself. If you feel avoided, its because you are avoiding yourself. If you feel controlled, its because you want to be controlled. If you feel sad or depressed, its because you don’t want to be happy.
I know its hard to accept that you are responsible for your emotions. I still believe in my story. The story of my life. I am still part of what i cannot forget. THE ME. The me i know. The me i live for, but on a higher note. Does it really matter who i am!
I was imagining what it would be to die, sometime ago and it reminded me of a moment i spent in a flight. It was a moment of truth. The moment i truly knew the real selfish me, The me that cares for nothing. Not the people i know, not the relationships i have, not the world, not my pets, the most adorable pets i project myself to love, not anyone on earth or in heaven, because they all mean mE.
I am selfish, i care for the clothes i wear, i care for the money i make, and all for the time i want to spend. At that moment i realized that there is nothing outside of me that i really know or want. The flight was taking off. Death may feel that way, i thought.
Is it negative to think of death? I wonder if i am in the right track after all.
I was swimming the other day in an amusement park. I believe i was the only person who wasn’t amused and was really trying hard to swim. I couldn’t. I drank a sure three glasses of chlorinated water and didn’t feel too good.
Then came that flying spark. Out of nowhere i realized all i have to do is not be scared to swim through that wave pool. I let it go. I knew there was no way out of my body, however hard i try to reach out.. there is no way out.
It reminds me of my cousin.. He identified my negative nature and told me the problem was in my intent. Its true i have a negative intent for myself. But how do i cure it.
Do i go to a doctor and take prescribed pills or do i write about it and see what is going on and keep a note of it? I’ve done both. The solution to any problem is within the problem itself. He told me this thing, my cousin, the only thing i’ll remember of him for the rest of my life.. He said.. once you’re in there’s no way out. Its like a hotel california.. The abyss of the truth.
Accepting this abyss, is the only way to live. knowing that being able to see it is a miracle may help in changing your negativity. Life is the mysterious path given to you. You alone own your life. How thankful should we be to our parents, for their love. Why don’t we see that we are all gifts of love.
And what are we to do..now that we’re born..
To think is my freedom. Its the only way i can change myself and my feelings, and therefore, i decide what i want to be.