Like all mankind, i have a need to speak. To speak out in the open and to be heard. I shut myself from talking to people because i did not understand what was going on. What was going on in the world. In the world outside of me. I don’t remember when the last time was when i forgot to notice the world. I keep getting confused between the world i live in to the world we share. I feel happy to be clear that there are two worlds that exist, and to be able to say that i know the difference.
I’ve been looking outside my window for as long as i remember, I’ve been looking outside for what i cannot find within. So what is it? I asked myself. Is it a person, or a space, or some love? Is love the beginning of happiness? If so when will i find it? I don’t have time anymore. I can’t tell u where i lost it. But i can tell you that i chose to leave it. I chose to leave it behind and walk away.
I walked out of time. Will u believe me if i said its possible. Will you believe me if i said how. I left time in a place i remember and walked away. A place that was owned by someone else. I took time to realize what i had done to my life, because it was a complicated achievement. To leave behind time, to think of it as a person and to believe and accept that love wasn’t real. I’m not proud of my achievement. It was the beginning of my disastrous life. I’ve been confused from ever since. It took time to obtain clarity in what i was doing, and to understand what exactly i had done to my life. It took about three years.
Three years later here i am, in a place where no one can see. By no one i mean there is someone beyond my reach. But this post isn’t about time, it isn’t about how i lost myself but it’s about anger. It’s about the role anger plays in people’s lives.
What is anger? Its nothing but an emotion. Of all explainable emotions anger is the one that has the most destructive power when in control. To understand anger, we must first explore the role of emotions in our life. Emotion is the state of existence. We must all speak to live. It’s a need. Its a need for mankind to speak and to believe in what he does. To believe in the world we share. To believe in his life, his surroundings, his relationships, his people, himself, his very existence in this world as a person with a name and a life.
We speak because we cannot realize what we think. When we think out loudly we don’t realize that we are changing from one state of emotion to another. This change depends on what happens around you, to you and within you. It depends on what happens to your life. It depends on who you speak to, and what they mean to you. Emotions control your life. It controls the way you speak, what you think, and therefore, takes you forward into the future, it creates your life. It is a known saying that You create your life, but it must be changed to, what you speak changes your life.
If something you expect happens to your life, you feel happy, you feel excited, you walk around the world, jumping with joy, you sing, you rejoice the feeling that you are contained with. If something that you don’t expect happens, and in particular if it is something that you cannot accept, then you feel angry. The emotion always takes control. It determines your action. It determines your word. It determines what you do in reality. You lose control. Most insane people are angry and all angry people are insane. I’ve always known that i was insane. It’s probably because I’ve always been angry. Can you imagine 20 years or more of anger. Where did it rise from? What is the reason behind all that anger that is still left within.
I need to explore more. I need to know more, about myself. About my secrets. About the truth hidden behind a name. I will keep writing. As u know, so will i. Keep you posted.